Dearest Father
by FenZev
Summary: Hawke struggles to discover herself, her strength, and her place in Kirkwall through letters she writes to her father Malcolm. A look into the story you already know but in the most intimate and private way. Many twists and insights you might not have thought of, as well as additional scenes and romance options. Screenshots for each chapter. Currently in Act 2.
1. The Destruction of Lothering

_Dearest Father,_

_"Maker save us, we've lost it all. Everything your father and I built." Those are the words I remember most falling from mothers lips as we ran, tirelessly, away from all we knew._

_Mother came up with the brilliant idea to go to Kirkwall. I suppose it was the best idea, considering we didn't know anyone anywhere else. But the templars there, Father you warned us about Kirkwall and I am nervous about our destination._

_We met a couple on the road fleeing Lothering, Aveline and her husband Wesley. I could hear your laugh in my head when we ran into them, Wesley being a templar. Funny I seemed more interested in Aveline and the way she was so protective over him. Her expression was filled with fire and strength...it reminded me of you when you looked at Mother._

_Carver and Aveline spoke of Ostagar, of its spreading destruction. The road we traveled was enough evidence of that; the soft green grass turned brown and shriveled under the constant fall of death. Your demon stories did nothing to help me face my first darkspawn Father; their snarling teeth dripping of spit and blood. Their sullen dead eyes...I don't suppose anything can prepare you for that._

_Or the sight in the distance as we battled the foul creatures. We could see the smoke funneling into the sky from where Lothering used to be. Our home Father, the last one we knew with you, gone. I nearly lost myself into its flames, wishing to curl into your lap again as if I were still a child. But the twins looked to me to get them out, save Mother, and survive. No time for self-pity at that moment. Is there ever? No you'd say, I know._

_Have you ever seen an ogre Father? Did you ever watch it lift someone you care about and slam them into the ground repeatedly, and then toss the body aside as if it were a rotten piece of meat? This is where I failed you Father. Failed Mother, and Carver, our family. Bethany was strong and brave and faced that ogre head on, praying to the Maker for strength before she poured her magic over him._

_When I saw her fall...Father I nearly failed you again with the anger that welled up inside of me. I wanted to call to every source of power I was able to and bring my sister back, the only one besides you who understood me in this world. "How could you let her charge off like that," Mother had said. She blamed me. Do you blame me as well? It's alright if you do, I blame myself._

_I hope she is now at your side Father. That templar said some words to help her find her way. At least you have some company now._

_Wesley. That templar's name was Wesley. I try to forget his name, his face, the way his hands clasped around mine holding the dagger that would end his life. The corruption of the darkspawn blood seemed to have infected him and he begged for death rather than try to continue on with us. The witch, I'll explain her in a minute, insisted we leave him behind._

_You know me Father. I have a hard time killing a fly. Those creatures were easy. That ogre even easier. But a man, even if a templar, was still a man. He had a wife who knelt beside him watching her lover take his last breaths. I don't know if he had other family, but I'm sure he had friends in the Order. I haven't had a moment to myself to really accept responsibility for my actions, but I fear what that solitude will finally do to me._

_I allowed Bethany to get killed. And a man died at my hands. Purposefully. Merciful or not, I pushed the blade through his armor, into his flesh, and robbed him of any further words to his wife. I can't Father...I just can't..._

* * *

_Sorry for the delay in completing these words to you Father. It seemed Mother was still angry with me and Carver suggested I speak to her while we were trapped on this ship from Gwaren to Kirkwall. Mother is still lost in her grief over her daughter and home. I hope Kirkwall brings her out of it._

_So the witch...Flemeth is her name. I don't know what we would've done if she didn't arrive. At first she swooped out of the sky in the form of a dragon! Father, it was magnificent and frightening all at once! To watch her descend upon the darkspawn that were overwhelming us, destroy them within seconds, and then transform into the woman we met...I wish you could've been there. I'd love to know what you think of her._

_"Hurdled into the chaos you fight, and shape the world before you." Those words may have fallen from her lips, but they reminded me of you Father. I like to think you or the Maker sent her to us, seeing that we had suffered enough. __Carver didn't want to trust her, no surprise there. For the son of a mage and the brother of two, he sure does hate us doesn't he. I am trying Father, remembering your words to be patient and kind towards him, but he infuriates me sometimes! Again, I digress, sorry. My mind is all over the place and I really want off this blighted ship!_

_Flemeth, the witch, offered us a deal. She would get us safely to Gwaren in exchange for a delivery of an amulet once we get to Kirkwall. Too good to be true? Probably, be on your guard you always warned, but Mother was so exhausted by this point I didn't see what choice we had. Aveline didn't agree with me; going off and trusting an apostate. Does she remember I am a mage? Or was her marriage to a templar clouding her judgement? We had that in common Flemeth said, both of us apostates, and of course she wasn't wrong. "We don't have much choice," I told her._

_"We never do," she responded. She seems very wise Father. Powerful obviously, but those golden eyes of hers seem to see much more than she lets on. Though she does speak of a future, if you listen carefully to what she says. Another lesson of yours, always pay attention to the unspoken words. I heard her, though I think I wanted to ignore her at the time._

_We're arriving in Kirkwall Father. As we approached we saw the cliffs; they seemed to stretch for miles on each side of the city that was tucked away between them. The stone was black, haunting, and did nothing for squelching my fears about this idea. There were two massive bronze statues; figures covering their faces...in tears? And the chains Father...the chains are everywhere. Truly frightening to pull into this city. I hope someone is watching over us. I hope you are._

* * *

"What is she doing," Aveline asked as she watched Hawke approach a barrel lit with flames, warming other refugees in the Gallows courtyard.

Carver shook his head, rolling his eyes at the back of his sister. "She writes letters to our father; been doing it since he died."

"I'm sorry," Aveline said sympathetically, "I didn't know."

"How could you, we've only just met," Carver replied as he watched Hawke burn the pages. "She believes if she burns her letters, the magic of the flame will reach Father and he'll be able to read them."

Aveline wasn't sure if she was touched by the gesture or slightly disturbed. "It sounds like she has a problem with moving on," Aveline muttered, though Carver heard her words.

"Yes well, it seems to work for her so I don't discourage it. I just wonder when she realizes that she'll be doing it until she dies."

Aveline turned to carver. "Surely she plans to give up on such a foolish activity eventually?"

Carver shook his head. "'When the letters no longer burn' she told me once when I asked her. She thinks that's when Father will either have heard enough or be done with supporting her from the Makers side. That she has learned everything she needed to learn from him even though he wasn't with her. My sister may be older Aveline, but her heart will always be a child when it comes to our father."

Aveline scoffed. "That's ridiculous. He's dead, she needs to accept that. Remember him and move on."

Carver laughed. "Don't ever let her hear you say that," he warned, "or your jaw will hurt for a week. Trust me."

Hawke allowed each page to be consumed by the dancing flames, eyes following the ash and embers as they flew through the air. She knew her remaining family was watching, as well as their new companion, but she didn't care. Father needed to know what was going on in her head. Always keep the head clear, more advice she intended to follow. Her time in Kirkwall would be no different than her time in Lothering. Father would hear from his daughter. Every day, twice if need be.


	2. A Business Discussion - Tranquility

_Dearest Father,_

_When our new dwarven friend Varric has asked to speak with me privately, I never imagined he would be telling me to seek out a Grey Warden. When we met this Warden, and I learned he was a mage, Father I admit my heart soared! After a year of working for Athenril with Carver, the only mages I have seen in Kirkwall were the ones in the Gallows, and only the tranquil mages are free to roam the area. To be in the presence of another apostate, though Carver immediately hated it, it was as if I had finally found a friend. Someone to talk to, someone that would understand, someone to confide in and compare notes with...someone like you Father. _

_When he asked for assistance to help his friend escape the Gallows, well you know me, I jumped at the opportunity! Sure it was dangerous, but it was also exciting! I wasn't working for coin or to pay off a debt. I was finally doing something I believed in! I didn't mean to drag Carver along, but unfortunately there are still few I can trust in this city. With Aveline in her guard position, I could hardly ask her. So Carver, Varric, and I snuck into the night for a secret meeting in the Chantry. Certainly a story to tell the children someday!_

_Or so I thought._

_Dearest Father, there is no way to explain the pit in my stomach when we saw Anders' friend had been made tranquil. To be so close to a fellow mage and see no life, no hopes or dreams, no anything in his eyes...it frightened me. I thought I grew a thick skin within this last year with the work I was forced to do, but there was no preparing for this. Or what followed next, when Anders saw his friend in that condition._

_It was a trap of course. Templars poured into the room and attacked us immediately. Not only was the mage made tranquil, he was used to get to Anders. And then Anders...he changed Father. Into something I had never seen before, and honestly, Maker help me, never wish to see again._

_My heart broke for the second time that night when Anders explained himself to me. He has taken a spirit into himself. His sadness is overwhelming when he tells his story, and my heart honestly believes he meant well when he did it. But I recall my lessons Father; I know what he did was not right, and never should have been done. Anders claims it was a "good spirit" that he was helping, or trying to save, right now I don't really know. Am I selfish in admitting that once he began his story, all I could think about was the friend I had already lost before he was even a friend?_

_Carver is angry with me again. I continue to try Father, but with this recent event he is furious with me. Templars died. At my hands. When did death become so easy for me? I have written to you countless times already over my guilt in killing Wesley. But now I am attacked by the Coterie, forced to kill them when they ambush me. Killed those templars that ambushed us in the Chantry. The blood is beginning to flow Father, small pools of death that are forming at my feet. What a disappointment I must be to you now, as I am to Carver, and probably Mother as well._

* * *

"You don't like me Carver, do you," Anders stated as he, Carver, and Varric occupied a table at the Hanged Man.

"No, I don't like you," Carver confirmed, taking a sip of ale and shaking his head at the nasty taste it left in his mouth.

"That's unfortunate," Anders sighed. "Hating someone just because they're a mage is a shameful thing."

Carver scoffed at Anders and turned to the side to keep an eye on his sister, buried in her pages to Father as usual. "I don't hate you because you're a mage," he justified his feelings, "I hate you because you won't shut up about it." Another swig from his mug had emptied it and he slammed it down on the table, lowering his voice. "Oppression this, templars that, I've heard enough long before you."

Varric shook his head as he looked at the two of them. "You'd think with one of you a mage, and the other a son and brother of mages, you could find some common ground to stand on."

Anders put his hands up. "I have nothing to do with his hatred of me. His issues are clearly of his own making."

Carver turned back around to stare down the mage. "I have spent my entire life in hiding because of mages. Pushed aside while Father spent all of his time coddling her and Bethany. I thought coming to Kirkwall we could put some of that hiding behind us, make new lives for ourselves." He took a breath, and then continued his rant in hushed tones. "We spent an entire year not being bothered by templars or having to live in the shadows. Within a day of meeting you however, we have not only tried to help a mage escape the Gallows, but now have templar blood on our hands. So yes, I don't like you. I despise you, your plight, and everything you stand for."

Varric covered his face in his hands. For once he was thankful the Hanged Man wasn't a very popular place among important people. The last thing he wanted to do was involve Bianca, but if these two didn't shut up soon, he was prepared to take drastic measures.

Thankfully Anders stood up, clearly having heard enough from "little Hawke," as Varric loved to call him. "Perhaps that is why your sister huddles in a corner writing letters to her dead Father. Because it's clear you don't give a damn enough to support her."

Carver opened his mouth to say something, but no words of defense came from his lips. He watched as Anders walked out of the Hanged Man, catching a glance at his sister. She quickly buried her head back into her words, but he knew she had overheard everything by the tears in her eyes she refused to let fall.


	3. Long Way Home

"Varric, can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly Daisy," the dwarf replied as he marked up his new deck for the game later. "What's on your mind?"

Merrill picked at a piece of wood splintering off from the rest of the table. "Hawke. You've known her a lot longer than I have. What's she like?"

Varric looked up at Hawke, seated in her usual corner of the Hanged Man when she wrote her letters. "I haven't known her much longer than you Daisy," Varric responded. "She's made quite a name for herself in Kirkwall though over the last year. But from personal experience? She's kind, sometimes too much for her own good. She's oblivious to the way Blondie looks at her. Her family is just as annoying as mine, and she spends too much time buried in those letters."

Merrill sat back and studied Hawke. "I like her freckles," she commented. "Sometimes when she talks I get distracted trying to count them all."

Varric laughed at the young elf. "Is that why you stare at her so intently when she speaks?"

Merrill nodded. "I got up to thirty-seven this morning before she turned away from me. Now I'll have to start all over next time."

Varric continued to observe Hawke as she wrote. "Back to your original question, I also think Hawke may be a little lost; still trying to find her own way."

"You should give her a ball of twine," Merrill suggested. "The one you gave me always helps me when I'm lost."

Varric missed her comment, or surely he would've chuckled and shook his head at their newest companion. Instead his eyes were still watching Hawke, and he wondered to himself if her golden eyes would ever shine.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_"There are few things in this world stronger than a promise kept." I have wanted to write that to you ever since I heard it. I met the Dalish clan that Flemeth wanted us to give the amulet to. Their Keeper, Marethari, is the one who said that to me, and once again I was reminded of you. I don't know if it's because I miss you so, or I am finally meeting others almost as wise as you._

_Flemeth said that destiny awaits us both. She also said that I can not learn to fly until I fall. Both Marethari and Flemeth sound just like you when they offer advice or say things like this. I used to think you only spoke in riddles, but I am finally learning you were teaching me life lessons. Now if only I could figure out what it all meant._

_Having Merrill with us has been an interesting challenge. I admit the moment I saw her use blood magic, my heart sank. It seems I am the only normal mage in Kirkwall that's not in the Gallows! One has a spirit, the other plays with demons, Father what have I gotten myself into? I feel bad for the young elf; she's very alone in this city and really only has us to call friends. By "us" I refer to Varric and I; Anders and Carver keep their distance because of her blood magic. I don't blame them; I am uneasy about it as well. But I also know what it is like to be away from those you were close to, and I feel sorry for her._

_I wonder what words you would have to say about this? I am sure you wouldn't approve of me being so near dangerous magic. But she hasn't used it since she opened the barrier on top of Sundermount. I think our initial reactions may have something to do with that. I admit I was a bit harsh, and her and Anders got into a fight over the differences between demons and spirits. To me they are all the same; anything needing to use you as a host can not be a good thing. Even Flemeth somehow allowing herself to be summoned halfway across Thedas by an amulet seems strange to me. Oh Father; it seems there was so much more you needed to teach me._

_You warned me about the dangers of magic. You also cautioned me heavily in the use of blood magic and told me to never ever do it. I remember there was a story you had promised to tell me when I was older about the one time you were forced to use blood magic, but it seems that time never came. I guess I'll never know now will I? I doubt I can ask Mother about it; though she is obviously comfortable around the idea of magic, I don't think asking her about that story would be a good idea. She doesn't talk about you much anymore. I think it's still too painful for her.  
_

_I think I am starting to find my way a bit in Kirkwall. The last year helped me get to know a lot of people, even if they are only acquaintances, but it's given me the opportunities I need to gather coin for the expedition I was telling you about. Mother of course knows nothing about that...when she finds out, she is not going to be happy.  
_

* * *

"Sister, there you are," Carver interrupted her thoughts.

"Is there some place else I should be?" Hawke asked, placing her letter face down from his prying eyes.

Carver sat at the table opposite her. "Mother is complaining about how you are never home. It would do her some good if you spent time with her."

Hawke leaned back against the wall and scowled at him. "Uncle Gamlens place is not 'home' Carver. It's confining and smells awful and my ankles have rat bites on them." She summoned Norah for a drink, and looked towards the door as dark-skinned woman wearing hardly anything walked in. Hawke shook her head as every man in the place seemed to notice the woman, her brother included. "Carver, close your mouth; you'll swallow a fly!"

Carver turned his eyes away from the busty stranger and focused his attention back on his sister. "Alright, so it may not be home, but it's all we have right now. You're the one always telling me to make the best of it."

Hawke smiled softly, "I said that? Surely I meant any other situation other than _that_ place. If I had the coin I would stay here."

"And this is much better," Carver asked as they both looked at the floor covered in blood stains and old vomit.

Hawke laughed and embraced her surroundings. "No, I suppose it isn't." She stood, extending her hand for her brother to do the same. "But it does have familiar faces. Let's go see what Merrill and Varric are up to."


	4. A New Home? - Bait and Switch

_Dearest Father,_

_I hate being at Uncle Gamlen's. If I haven't said it enough, well there it is again. Anders says that we're better off there instead of in the refugee camps, but sometimes I wonder. I try to avoid it as much as possible; between the smell and Mothers sad eyes it's a bit much. I've started taking Talyn out with us as well; even the dog hates it there. A quick stop to check on some letters that came for me, shaken for coin by Gamlen Carver informed me, and we were off on a new job._

_Athenril pointed me in the direction of a dwarf named Anso that needed my assistance. At first I turned him down when I found out what the job was: retrieving stolen lyrium that was meant for the templars. Carver hates the attention we've been getting lately, so I tried to make him happy by refusing the dwarfs offer._

_Varric convinced me otherwise. Either he really felt the need to help his fellow dwarf, or he just wanted his share of the coin. I don't know which, but he was right; we need to fund the expedition. Carver protested as usual, so he stormed off back to Gamlen's. Since we were headed to the alienage anyway, I picked up Merrill and off we went._

_The whole thing was a trap, some elaborate hoax to lure out some slavers from Tevinter. They were after an elf with some unique abilities. And let me tell you Father, I don't think I have been this angry in a long time!_

_This elf, Fenris, sets us up to walk into this trap. Rips out a mans heart right in front of me, spouts off some lame apology, and then dares to ask for my help! He claims he would've asked for my help personally if he knew about me sooner. That is supposed to make it alright then, almost getting me and my friends killed?_

_But I agree to help him, because I'm a sucker for a sad story, and his is sad. I also agreed because it meant ridding Kirkwall of more slavers; can't go wrong there._

_Merrill didn't take the ambush very well. She seemed terrified that the slavers could enter the alienage like that in such force; living there and being an elf it was a bit overwhelming for her. So she went back home and I retreated back to Gamlen's to convince Carver to come out with us. He was fine with it once he realized we weren't dealing with templars._

_So we go to this decrepit mansion in Hightown, we kill about thirty shades that seemed to be protecting the place, but never find this Danarius that Fenris was seeking. We remain behind to collect anything of value we can discover in the various chests and then head out. When we round the corner from the mansion, Fenris is there waiting for us. To thank us? No, not at all. He's waiting to confront me on being a mage!_

_He has the nerve, the nerve!, to tell me he's going to watch me closely. And what, does he plan on killing me if I do something he doesn't like? Will he rip my heart out as well? Carver stood up for me though; he warned Fenris that if he had a problem with me, he'd have to take it up with Carver. I have to admit I was a little teary over that. Carver has never stuck up for me before. Maybe my efforts are paying off._

_My anger aside at being lied to and then accused of not being able to control myself and my magic, I accepted Fenris' offer to assist us in future jobs. I think it was because of something he said when we initially met him. "There comes a time when you must stop running, when you turn and face the tiger." I have thought about this statement for most of the day. I know he's looking to face his former master, and I commend him for it. But it also makes me wonder if it's time for me to follow in his bravery?_

_You know the tiger at my back Father. Do you think I'm ready to face it?_

* * *

"So this master of yours wants his markings back, skin and all?" Carver followed his sister up the steps of Hightown, Fenris by his side.

"That is what his hunters told me," Fenris replied, "unwillingly of course."

Carver was sure the hunters didn't live long after that confession. "So why not cover them up, your markings? Wouldn't that make you harder to find?"

"Let them come," Fenris challenged as if they were listening. "I am not one to hide. Unlike yourself."

"What do you mean," Carver asked defensively. "I am not hiding. What do I have to hide from?"

Fenris smirked, nodding towards Hawke. "You think I don't notice how you hide from the templars even though it is not you who is the mage?"

"Wanting to protect my sister is different," Carver explained. "It's not hiding so much as staying out their way."

They followed Hawke through the market and up the stairs, then around the corner to the Chantry. Varric suggested Hawke check out the Chanter's board to find some work. Behind her, Carver and Fenris continued their discussion.

"You've really never thought of hiding from those hunters," Carver pushed further.

Fenris sighed in frustration at his questions. "To what end?"

"So you could, I don't know, have a life?"

Fenris laughed, enough that Hawke turned, not believing the sound coming from the normally broody elf. "What life do you have," Fenris asked of Carver. "There are no hunters after you at all."

Carver seemed taken aback by his statement. "I have a life," he responded to Fenris.

"One that you complain about," Fenris reminded him. "We are not always free to do as we wish, as you should well know given who your sister is. Or what she is I should say."

Carver didn't hear the dig at his sister, still mulling over the accusation from earlier. "I _do _have a life," he said again, as if saying it would make it true.

"Then I stand corrected," Fenris conceded as Hawke quietly smiled to herself. Fenris may despise her for who she is, but Hawke couldn't help herself but enjoy his verbal assault on her brother. He had a point though; Carver needed to get a life, and one that didn't revolve around her. She began to wonder exactly what her brothers future may hold.


	5. Duty - Talk to Anders

_Dearest Father,_

_Varric told me to check out the Chanters Board for work, and when we got there a man in white armor was pointing a bow at the Grand Cleric! Maker I thought I was going to witness a brutal murder! But the expert marksman missed her by an inch, securing a post on the board. Who wouldn't want to go see what all the fuss was about?_

_After my heart stopped racing and the Grand Cleric returned to the Chantry, I found out why the man was so upset. It seems he is no ordinary man, but a Prince! His entire family was murdered by some group called the Flint Company, and he was offering a reward for their deaths. Normally I try to steer clear of family disputes and revenge, but the wording of his letter seemed desperate. "Down to the youngest babe in arms." Who would harm an innocent baby just for their lineage?_

_Sebastian Vael. What a powerful name Father, don't you think? I went into the Chantry to find him, maybe get some more information about where to look for these Flint fellows, but he wasn't there. I did get to speak to Elthina, the Grand Cleric, about him. She says he was a brother to the Chantry, affirmed nearly a decade ago, but with the death of his family he's decided to deny his vows._

_I don't know if I agree with Elthina on some of the things she said. She claims it is a sin for this Sebastian to seek revenge on his family's murderers and go after his title in Starkhaven. How is that a sin? To me it sounds like whoever is trying to take over Starkhaven are evil monsters and this man is doing the right thing by trying to correct that. As the surviving heir to the throne, is that not his responsibility now?_

_But she disagrees, only seeing the murder part of this whole thing. I guess I understand that, but it would take a strong man to allow these murderers their lives wouldn't it? Surely the Maker understands?_

_Varric used some of his connections (don't ask me who, I never asked and I don't want to know!) to find out where these Flint fellows would be. Once we knew where, I took Varric, Carver, and Anders out to find them. It initially seemed harder than it really was. Took no less than a day to remove these predators from Kirkwall and the surrounding area._

_I returned to the Chantry to inform Sebastian that his family had been avenged. Father, is it a sin to get so lost in a mans eyes in the home of the Maker? They were as blue as a clear sky and full of such turmoil and sadness; my heart broke inside at the inability to take his pain away. I hope this small deed brought him some closure at least. We were only able to speak for a few minutes before he dashed off to the Viscount to ask for aid for Starkhaven._

_I do hope our paths cross again._

* * *

"Hawke, can we talk for a moment?" Anders asked when they reached his clinic after seeing Sebastian in the Chantry.

"Of course Anders," she said, glancing at Varric and Carver to give them a moment alone. Carver huffed and stormed out of the clinic, and Varric shook his head as he followed. Hawke sat down on one of the crates. "What's on your mind?"

Anders picked up another crate and placed it in front of her, sitting to face her. "I'm afraid I got a bit weighty the last time we talked. I wanted to apologize."

Hawke smiled at him earnestly. "There's no need to apologize Anders. I'm glad you felt you could open up to me. It seems this thing with Justice takes a toll on you."

"I thought I was doing the right thing," Anders admitted to her. "Justice was inhabiting a corpse that was deteriorating rapidly. I don't know if he would've died, or simply returned to the Fade, but I felt I needed to help him. He is...was...a friend."

Hawke saw the sadness in his eyes. "My father used to say that we can't always predict the outcome of our actions; we can only make them with a true heart."

Anders smiled at her response. "Your father must have been an amazing man to have raised such a kind, beautiful mage such as yourself." He noticed Hawke look away, face flushed, and immediately regretted his words to her. "I'm sorry," he said to her quietly. "I shouldn't presume. It's just...we've hardly met, and I feel like I know you." He swallowed hard, the awkward tension in the room rising. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Hawke wasn't sure how to respond. "To be honest Anders, it's a little unexpected. I mean you're right, we've just met each other. But I admit it is nice to have another mage to talk to, maybe confide in."

Anders stood and walked away from her. "I must warn you Hawke, I am not a safe man to get involved with. Any relationship with me, even one so small as a friendship, and I may hurt you."

Hawke stood as well, moving closer to Anders as he kept his back towards her. "Why would you hurt me Anders? I don't understand."

He turned to look at her, the sadness returning to his eyes. "You saw what I did in the Chantry, what I am capable of. That's who I am now." He moved away from her again and sat down, seemingly lost in thought as he spoke. "A year ago, maybe we could've had something. But I'm not that man anymore. With Justice...I've changed, and not for the better."

"Anders..." Hawke tried.

"I'll break your heart," he said in a whisper while staring at the floor. "And that might kill me as surely as the templars."

Hawke didn't know what to say. A dozen responses nearly left her lips, until she decided it was best to leave him alone for now. "I will see you tomorrow," she said to him as she walked out of the clinic, quietly closing the door behind him where he remained in that same contemplative position.

Hawke leaned against the door and sighed. "He's sweet on you ya know," Varric said as she exited.

She turned to look at him. "He doesn't even know me Varric," she said, confused about what had just happened. "Isn't it a bit odd to worry about hurting someone before even a solid friendship has been forged?"

Varric laughed. "Maybe you haven't looked in a mirror lately Hawke. You're beautiful, smart, witty, and a mage. I don't think he needs to know much more than that. I'd be sweet on you too, if you were a dwarf."

"Oh Varric," she pouted, pulling away from the door and moving towards her brother. "Why did you have to break my heart like that?"


	6. Birthright - Family History

Hawke and Carver arrived home to find their uncle and mother in yet another one of their fights. Leandra was arguing with Gamlen over their living conditions, and Hawke sighed as she entered the room. "Will you two please stop. Mother," she addressed Leandra, "it's alright. I know you expected more, but we're okay. Poking at Gamlen for his mistakes every day isn't making the situation any easier."

Leandra ignored her daughter and demanded Gamlen show her the will from her parents. It was a fight that had been building for a year, and Hawke sighed again as the bickering continued. She tried to change the subject with questions on the Amell family. "Why don't you talk about the Amells Mother?"

"My parents didn't approve of your father," Leandra explained. "The Amells always had a rough time among the nobles, having magic in their line. When I chose to be with your father, I was bringing more magic into the family. I think that's what hurt my parents the most."

_Great, _Hawke thought. _More of my mother reminding me what a disgrace I am to the family by being born with magic._ "Do you regret it Mother; leaving with Father?"

"I regret a lot of things," Leandra said looking sadly into the fire. "But will those regrets bring my parents back? Or your father? Or even Bethany, my darling baby girl..."

Hawke hated when she got like this. Perhaps it was their confined quarters, or their poor living conditions, or even the smell of Uncle Gamlen. She didn't know what it was that kept her mother in this state of depression.

Carver placed a hand on Hawke's shoulder, and they quietly went into the bedroom. "Mother gave me her old key to the estate. I say we search for the will. If we find it, maybe that will be the closure Mother needs from her old family."

Hawke took the key from her brother and felt the weight of it in her hand. "So we do this then. Break into our old family home. And then what?"

"I don't know," Carver said. "But we should try. For Mothers sake."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_We broke into the old Amell estate. The basement has about a dozen rooms, three floors, I can't even imagine what the upstairs looks like! Barrels and barrels of wine that are aging...those alone could give us a fortune if we sold it. It felt good to rid the place of slavers; they had no right to be there._

_We found the will and brought it to Mother. It was the first time I saw any determination on her face since we came to Kirkwall. The old estates owner died with no heir, so it's in the hands of the Viscount now. Mother's excited, even happier since she found out her parents didn't hate her. I don't know if I care for this new attitude in her. It seems she is more than willing to embrace the old life of an Amell and completely forget the name Hawke. When I asked her if we would've even come back here if it wasn't for the blight, she said no. If that's the case, then why is she so dead set now on getting her name back?_

_It feels like she's denying you. Denying her past. Denying her children. She told me Grandmother would've considered us mongrels, having you as a father. She also fell into her grief again just as quickly, blaming me for Bethany. Insisting there was something I should've done. _

_I never really thought about it before, but as Mother went on about Bethany, her precious daughter, old jealousy surfaced within me. I'm ashamed to admit this to you Father, but I have a lot of resentment towards you still. The twins came into the world and I felt like I was pushed aside sometimes. Of course the three of us studied magic together, but Bethany always got the extra attention. I almost feel if it were her writing you these letters, you would've already responded. You and Mother always showed the twins attention; I was now the one looking out for templars when I should've just been your daughter._

_When we gave Mother the will, Carver attacked me when I supported her in reclaiming the home, stating I only cared about the estate because we are under templar scrutiny. How wrong he is Father! I could care less about the Amells or their estate. And Carver blames me for Bethany as well. He said I could've stopped the ogre. That we should've stood our ground and not run. He blames me for leaving Ferelden. He blames me for taking your attention. Like I blame you for giving it to him. It seems we all feel you gave the other more attention._

_Are we all wrong? Or just missing you more and more these days? Except for Mother. She seems content to forget about you. I will never embrace the Amell name Father. Never._

_We also found a letter in the old family vault. It led me to a mage named Tobrius. He told me that a templar helped you escape Kirkwall. You must have respected him well enough to name your first and only son after him. Faith in the templars, that's something you never shared with us Father. Be cautious, never let your guard down, they are not our friends. And now, years later I find this is not entirely true. And you are not here to question about it. How did you come to trust a templar? I would ask Mother, but she's busy staring at an old betrothal picture of herself. I guess she's wondering what might have been._

_So am I._


	7. Questions and Answers - Fools Rush In

_Dearest Father,_

_I spent the morning talking to Varric, trying to get to know him a little better. If I am going to be trapped underground with this man, it's only sensible that I poke around his history isn't it? He's the storyteller of the group, the Hanged Man, whatever guilds he's in, but his story seems pretty simple enough. Maybe that's why he makes up such grand stories about other people._

_We seem to have found a common ground though. He doesn't get along with his brother either. I had to laugh when Varric told me that he's the one that keeps his brother out of trouble...don't I know that role all too well! While his brother Bartrand is happy to run off in several different directions all at once, Varric has lived in Kirkwall his entire life. I'm envious of that. I mean I know you always tried to make every new place home, but I can admit to you now Father, it didn't work._

_Have I told you about the talkative man? He roams the Hanged Man, walking up and down the stairs, through the halls, muttering to himself. It seems Varric is the only one to engage him; the two speak in riddles it seems. But in getting to know Varric more, I'm starting to wonder if it's really some type of code. People around here don't mind being overheard by a crazy man, they think nothing of him. But if the crazy man is really sane and is picking up on all sorts of information, he's a genius!_

_On my way downstairs from Varric's room a drunk man told me that Meredith uses the hair of dead mages to keep herself warm in the winter. I hope I never meet this woman, she sounds dreadful!_

_Allow me to introduce to you the new hermit club! I dragged Anders, Merrill, and Fenris with me today. It seemed like a good idea at first, taking all the loners out for the day to get them out of their dark corners of Kirkwall. Then I remembered Fenris doesn't really trust mages, and now he's walking around Kirkwall with three of them! I will have to apologize to him later._

_I didn't bother to bring Carver. I needed a break from him. Still trying Father, but Maker he knows how to hurt me more than Mother does._

_Sidetracked, sorry. Anyway, remember that dark-skinned woman I told you about the other day? The one that all the men were drooling over? Well those of us in the hermit club were trying to enjoy lunch when she got into a fight with a bunch of men! The way she moved her blades, it was fascinating. I remember my dagger skills you taught me, but Father she was amazing! Even though she was more than capable of handling herself, for some reason I wanted to stand by her and show some numbers in case those guys thought of another attack. They ran for their lives like cowards!_

_Isabela is her name. She asked for my help; guess the group of three mages and the great-sworded warrior clued her in that we weren't the norm in Kirkwall. She claimed she wanted to duel someone, asked us to watch her back in case the man didn't play fairly. I agreed to help; we are still trying to get coin together and she was willing to pay._

_But her callous nature when she said her problem was solved if the man was dead bothered me. She didn't seem to care at all if she had to take someone's life. I wonder if it's something that can be taught, this ability to kill and not care. I still throw up every night before bed if someone has gone to the Makers side by my hand, even if they deserved it._

_When I found out we'd be going to the Chantry to look for this man Isabela wanted to duel, I can admit to you Father I silently prayed that Sebastian would be there so I could see him again. His smile is so...and his eyes are just...and that voice! Oh never mind that. I thanked the Maker he wasn't there though when the fighting began._

_I really tried to convince this Hayder person to walk away, end things peacefully, but he claimed his life was forfeit either way. More bloodshed in the Chantry. First Karl, and now Hayder. How is such a holy place been a magnet for violence? Shouldn't this be a place of peace? Reflection?_

_I am ashamed to admit this Father, but it seems I may have been wrong about this woman pirate. She told me a little bit of her story, about how she helped free over two hundred slaves, which was part of the reason so many people are after her. She told me her ship was destroyed in a storm and that's why she was in Kirkwall, and that she had lost most of her crew. Over ten years some of them served together; almost like a family._

_I wish I could say I had known someone for over ten years that wasn't the family I grew up with. I guess you and Mother didn't really have friends either did you, always on the run because of me and Bethany? I'm sorry Father. I am beginning to understand what a lonely place that really is. It's only a matter of time before something happens here and we'll have to run again. No time to form lasting friendships like that. Or even relationships. I suppose I was being foolish to think it might some day happen._

* * *

"Is she here?"

"No Hawke," Varric responded. "It seems she prefers to spend her nights down at the docks and stumbles in when the others are falling out."

"Thank the Maker," Hawke said settling into a seat between the two elves. "Was it just me, or did that really happen back there?"

Fenris chuckled into his drink, and Merrill looked confused. Varric nodded and answered her question, "I'm afraid so."

Carver scanned the faces at the table and his lower lip formed a pout. "What are we talking about? What happened back where?"

"Oh nothing Little Hawke," Varric said leaning back in his chair and clasping his hands together to his chest. "Just the latest addition in the Hawke adventure book of being propositioned by a dark skinned busty pirate from Rivain."

"What?" Merrill perked up. "Hawke's getting married? Who proposed? I didn't even know you were seeing anybody!"

Hawke blushed as she felt the weight of her brothers stare. "I'm not getting married Merrill, nor am I seeing anybody."

"You're not?" Anders asked for confirmation, a desperate look of hopefulness in his eyes.

"No," she replied quietly, looking anywhere but in his general direction. When she did look up, she noticed he wasn't the only one watching her. Fenris had a pensive look on his face, but found something very interesting in his drink when she looked his way. "She doesn't even know me," Hawke returned to the original question. "Why would she..."

"Hawke," Varric cut her off from embarrassing herself even further. "There are many types of people in this world. I have learned that there are certain folk who enjoy the comforts of home, and there are others that enjoy the comforts of people. I think Rivaini may prefer the latter since she isn't presently at home."

She shook her head, not wanting to think about the offer. "You seem to know a lot about a lot Varric, mind if I ask you another question?"

"I'm all ears Hawke," Varric said as he took another sip from his mug.

"Really?" Merrill perked up. "I thought you were all chest hair."

Their laughter filled the room, even the low growl of Fenris' tone could be heard in jovial form. Merrill didn't seem to understand why they were all laughing, as she looked around the table but said nothing further.

Hawke wiped a laugh tear from her eye and continued with her question. "I've been wondering..."

"Oh this should be good," Carver said, and she kicked him hard under the table.

Clearing her throat, she repeated "I've been wondering...the last two times we have been to the Chantry at night, it hasn't exactly gone as we had planned. Why is it that no one ever seems to be there except us and the bad guys? Where are the Sisters? Or the Grand Cleric?"

Varric raised an eyebrow and tugged at an earring. "Good question Hawke. It's almost like they know we're coming and they all run away so they don't disturb our epic adventures."

"Now _you_ sound like that rambling crazy man," Hawke said finishing her wine.

"He is a wise man Hawke," Varric pointed out. "Even he knows; the truth is out there."


	8. Friend In The Guard - Way It Should Be

Alone at night in Lowtown. Not the safest place to be, but Hawke needed some air. Carver was in his room sharpening his blade; the dull sound of steel dragging across the stone unnerved her. And then there was Leandra; in the room Hawke shared with her, staring at the recently acquired betrothal picture and crying softly. The two sounds combined nearly spun Hawke into utter depression, so she retreated to the stairs outside the hovel to write.

The shuffling of feet disturbed her and she looked down at her uncle. Another night of drink; Hawke wondered where the man got the coin since he was always claiming he was broke. "I thought the Rose was done serving you Uncle," Hawke couldn't help but mock the filthy man as he staggered.

Gamlen held on to the railing to steady himself. "The streets aren't safe at night girl, you shouldn't be out here alone."

Hawke shrugged. "I didn't know you cared Uncle."

He moved up the stairs one step at a time, his grip on the railing constant so he didn't fall. When he approached the top steps where Hawke was sitting, he stopped to stare at Hawke. It was an uncomfortable few minutes for her as his watery bloodshot eyes bore down on her, and Hawke shifted to the left to allow him to pass.

"Goodnight Uncle," she offered in the hopes that he would continue on.

Gamlen grunted something as he completed his climb, turning sideways to get passed her on the top step. His crotch was very near her face, and Hawke couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his pants. She turned away quickly but then she felt that bulge on her shoulder, pressing against her. Hawke held her breath, suddenly overwhelmed by the awkwardness of his presence and the fact that they were alone.

"Hawke?" The sound of Varric's voice seemed to come from the Maker himself as Hawke leapt up from where she was seated and flew down the stairs, nearly causing Gamlen to fall offbalance.

"Varric! Hey, ready to go?" Hawke asked, flushed from the pounding heart in her chest.

Varric looked up towards Gamlen who was stumbling into the front door of his hovel. "You okay Hawke?" the dwarf asked, his sincere tone a surprise from his normal stoic one.

She watched as her uncle disappeared into his home. "Yeah," Hawke told him as they began to walk to the Hanged Man. "Gamlen's just had too many as usual," she said brushing it off.

"Here if you need me Hawke," Varric said sternly, taking a moment to look back and make sure Gamlen wasn't around. "Bianca too."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_It seems like every time I go to visit Aveline, she already knows what I have been up to and comments on who I have been spending my time with. I would only ever tell you this Father, but it's annoying how she is always in my business. I already have a mother, albeit not the greatest in Thedas, but yet here's Aveline, telling me to watch out for Bartrand. She says she has been keeping an eye on me…funny, I don't remember her ever visiting Uncle Gamlen's to see how I was. Don't claim to be a friend and then only come to me when you need something!_

_So it shouldn't surprise you when I went to see her that she wanted something from me. Apparently there have been some ambushes along the coast and rumor to be another on the trade route up in Sundermount. We went to check it out (and honestly I had no clue that Kirkwall had guards in the area…I thought they only patrolled the city!). Sure enough Aveline's information was correct, there was an ambush waiting for us. More blood on my hands; bad guys sure but I am still not used to my magic being used to take a man's life._

_Aveline made it sound like we would be heroes when we got back and reported to her boss. Remember that time you caught me reading your grimoire? That's how loud Aveline's Captain got when she told him what we did. He was certainly the opposite of happy! She was redder than her hair when she came out of his office, and determined to find out what he was hiding._

_Captain Jeven is apparently a bad bad man. He was sending out coin and information to the Viscounts enemies through poor unsuspecting guards. One of them almost got seriously hurt when we found him and rescued him. I think his name was Daniel? Anders patched him up and he was fine. Aveline turned in the evidence we found and the Captain lost his job, and somehow Aveline ended up the new Captain! Maker she's a lucky bitch. Sorry, language, I know. You couldn't pay me enough to run the guard, or any other group in this crazy city. _

_Now for the heart of this letter Father. Aveline and I had a long talk about her husband Wesley. I still can't think about him for too long; if I do all I see is his face, darkspawn corruption settling in, and his dagger in my hands pushing into him. I wonder when those nightmares will stop._

_Anyway, Aveline admitted that she blamed me for his death. Even though she understood it was necessary, she was angry with me. I guess that explains why she claimed she would be by our side for the last year and then disappeared after two months. She said it was too painful to see me every day, because I was a reminder of Wesley. I don't know how that feels so I can't judge her, but I understand it. If I can't forget that day how can she? Aveline says she is fine though; said, "pining like a child serves no one." She's tougher than I am I guess. Here I am still writing to you after all these years. I guess that makes me a child._

_We touched on another topic, something I never knew about her before. Aveline doesn't believe in the Maker. Well, she doesn't_ not_ believe in him either…she seems confused, but not willing to discuss it further. I have to thank you, that you and Mother didn't force me to believe either way, and that you let me find my way to the Maker on my own. I still wonder about Him every day, but there has to be something bigger to look up to. Otherwise what's the point in living?_

_I want to see you and Bethany again. If I don't have that to hold on to, then I have nothing._

_Oh and Father? Gamlen creeps me out. If there's a way for you to speed up the process of us getting out of his home I would appreciate it. _


	9. Welcome Home - Fenris Recruited

_Dearest Father,_

_I have declared it elf day! I decided to stop by and see my two new companions. I don't see calling them friends yet, I hardly know them. And at least one I doubt we'll ever be friends. I will explain._

_First I went to see Merrill. Varric scolded me for visiting her on my own since she isn't exactly living in the best part of town. But it's right around the corner from where I am staying. Is Varric implying I am not in the best part of town either? Ha, who am I kidding. Of course I live right near Merrill. The rejected and forgotten section of Kirkwall. Well, at least it's not Darktown._

_I feel bad for Merrill. She seems really lonely. She says she isn't, but I know the look of loneliness when I see it. It's in mothers eyes, Carvers, in the mirror each morning when I brush my hair. It's hard not to notice. Merrill claims she is used to it, that she didn't even have friends among her own clan. When I asked her why, she said because she was in line to be a Keeper and she was too busy spending her time studying magic and the history of the Dalish. _

_I wonder what it's like, living with a bunch of different families in the woods; growing up with them, traveling with them. I would think you would have plenty of friends. To know these people your entire life? Not one of them you call a friend? I think there's more to her story that she isn't sharing. Maybe her clan isn't happy with her dabbling in blood magic. She still refuses to admit we heard something humming when we first met her, but we couldn't have all been crazy…could we?_

_As soon as I got up to leave, Merrill made me feel guilty for doing so. I think she thought I would stay all day with her, but I wanted to go see Fenris too. She even asked if she could come, but I wanted to talk to him alone. He doesn't like mages to begin with so I didn't want to ambush him in his own space with Merrill. At least he talks to me; he just kinda…growls at her._

_When I went to see Fenris, I don't think he was in the best of moods. First off, he was drinking, and the smell in the room almost reminded me of Gamlen. He didn't continue drinking long however; he threw the bottle of wine at the wall! I admit it, I was scared. He's very intense, and apparently very violent! The conversation didn't exactly go as I had planned Father. I went there seeking a foundation for a friendship. I'm not sure that's what I left with._

"Danarius used to have me pour it for his guests," Fenris explained of the particular brand of wine he had just decorated the walls with. "My appearance intimidated them he said, which he enjoyed."

"You were his servant as well as his body guard?" Hawke asked, trying to understand a little more about the life he lived.

Fenris narrowed his eyes at Hawke. "I was his _slave_," he stated angrily, "I propped up the furniture when he was so inclined."

"Wow, nothing like a bit of fear to go with your wine," Hawke said lightly, trying to brighten the mood a bit.

"That's what Danarius used to say," he responded, sitting down across from her. He kept his distance Hawke noticed, but she didn't say anything about it. He didn't trust mages, she knew this, and respected the boundary he placed on them.

"Were all of his guests frightened of you then?"

Fenris nodded. "None of his guests were like you though," he added. "They wouldn't dare speak to me, or seek me out as you have."

_I really stuck my foot in it huh Father. He just seemed so serious. So angry. I don't know how much he had to drink before I got there, or if this is always how he is. I guess I am still learning. There's so much pain in his eyes though. It makes me sad._

"You've had a difficult life," Hawke stated softly. It wasn't pity for him she was feeling, but more like understanding.

"I'd rather not speak more of it," he told her.

"Are you certain?" To have so much anger and sadness inside, Hawke didn't like anyone feeling like that. "I'd be willing to listen," she added.

Fenris nearly laughed. "To my whining? That's very charitable of you."

She assumed his comment meant he wasn't interested in her sympathy, so Hawke moved on. "Is getting back at your master all that matters to you?"

He seemed to relax a little, or maybe was just a little more resigned. "There are days that it feels that way. I have wanted to leave my past behind me, but it wont stay there." He looked at her curiously. "Tell me, have you never wanted to return to Ferelden?"

Hawke eyed him suspiciously. "How did you know I was from Ferelden?"

"A very hairy dwarf felt the need to tell me your life story, or what he knew of it," Fenris answered. "Well?"

Hawke turned away from him. "I have no home left to return to," she answered. It was the most honest answer she could give.

"And that's it, you leave it behind so easily?"

Hawke shrugged. "I lost my sister to the blight. There is nothing left but painful memories."

"And now she no longer matters to you?" Fenris asked sharply.

_How could he say such a thing Father? Bethany was everything to me. She was my sidekick, my support, everything. I have been so lost without her, without you, without my home. I know my life isn't nearly as hard as his has been, but how dare he! He knows nothing about me and now he tries to judge me? He only knows what Varric told him, and Maker knows what that was!_

Fenris saw the tension in her jaw and the tears stinging her eyes. "I apologize, your life is your own. It simply...sounds very familiar."

_I didn't forgive his comment so easily Father, but I suppose he does understand a little of what it feels like. He's on the run too. Three years he told me. I asked him where he was from and he didn't seem to know. I guess he was young when he left; he dodged any question I asked about his personal life. Maybe it's the trust thing again, I don't know. _

_We talked a bit more about his former master Danarius. He thinks he may come to Kirkwall looking for him, that he's always come looking for him. Fenris insists Danarius won't give up, but claims he won't wait forever. "I will not live with a wolf at my back," he said. He had said something similar when I first met him; about facing the tiger. You were right Father, we all have ghosts from our past that we have to deal with eventually. I know mine is still out there._

"So for my next visit, will it be this intense? Or will you find something positive to say," Hawke teased Fenris before leaving.

"I can be positive," he insisted, though not convincingly.

Hawke smiled. "Prove it."

Fenris thought for a moment. "The wine was tasty?"

That got her to laugh, and in turn so did he. Hawke was hopeful; maybe there was a chance for the slave of a mage to trust another mage again.

Maybe.


	10. Non-Quest: The Things We Run From

_"Sister," the voice came through the wind, soft but clear in the distance. She ran, through the haze of trees that blurred, a sky of twisting mists, and an ever changing terrain. Her bare feet did not feel the grass or dirt beneath them as she practically floated towards the familiar presence that had been missing from her life._

_"Bethany," Hawke whispered, afraid even saying her name would make the imagine disappear from clouded eyes. There she stood, in a beautiful white gown, her black hair cascading down over her shoulders. She wanted to embrace her sister, but again fear held her at bay; 'be wary in the Fade,' her father always said, 'many tricks to be played on a mage's mind.'_

_"Sister," Bethany called again, this time with a hint of disapproval. "What are you doing to yourself?"_

_Hawke instinctively looked down at her corporeal form, not understanding what her sister had meant. A small unsure smile curled on her lips. "What do you mean?"_

_A sigh was carried through the ether, echoing off the unseen barriers. "You still haven't let go."_

_Hawke turned away now, wishing to not tarnish this moment with sadness. "Don't start Bethany. Not now." Do tears fall in the Fade she wondered, pushing them back with all the strength she could muster. "Please."_

_The familiar touch of her sisters hand fell on her shoulder, turning her back around. "Look at me sister," Bethany commanded, and she did. Normally it was Hawke that was the stronger one, watching over the twins. But here, in this place between the living and the dead, Hawke was nothing more than the shattered soul she felt like inside. "You must find a way to move on," Bethany told her._

_"Isn't that what I have been doing," Hawke asked, pulling away. "I left Father. I left you." The tears did fall it seemed. "All I do is move on."_

_Bethany gave her that look, the one commonly used by Mother when they were younger. "You know what I mean sister. We are in the Fade...what better place to fight your demons?"_

_A low growl hissed in the distance and Hawke spun around, reaching for her staff that was not with her. "You brought Him here?"_

_"A reminder Sister," Bethany said, her voice giving way to time and space. "Until you confront that wolf or tiger, as your companion says, you will never be free."_

_Hawke glanced over her shoulder and saw her sister start to disappear. "Bethany please, don't leave me with Him..."_

_"Face it soon dear Sister," the voice echoed as the body dissipated, "face that fear before it is too late."_

* * *

"Hawke?" The voice startled her, causing her to jump as a calm hand clasped her shoulder. "Forgive me, I did not mean to frighten you."

She looked up from her seat in the pew at the Chantry and saw Sebastian. "Prince Vael," Hawke coughed her surprise, quickly wiping the dampness from her eyes. "It is I who needs forgiveness. I didn't hear you approach; I'm sorry."

"Nonsense," he said as he slid into the pew next to her. "And please, call me Sebastian. I am hardly a Prince at the moment."

Hawke nodded, an embarrassed flush upon her cheeks. She moved over to allow him to sit more comfortably. In truth she had been to the Chantry several times in the last few days hoping to see him again, but this visit wasn't about him. _The Maker has a sense of humor,_ Bethany used to say. Truer words were never spoken. "Are there services soon?" Hawke asked. "I can leave if I am in the way."

"Not at all," Sebastian informed her. "I apologize for disturbing you, but it appeared as though you could use a friend."

The sincerity in his voice seemed to ease the initial awkward tension as Hawke relaxed by his side. "An offer of friendship to someone you hardly know? That's very kind of you Prin...Sebastian."

His smile relaxed any further discomfort she may have felt. "You'll find I happen to be a great friend," he said in near jest. "Just don't tell everyone, or it'll be madness."

A soft laugh escaped her lips and she immediately brought her hands to her mouth to stifle the sound. A few of the Sisters turned towards their direction, and Hawke gave him a sheepish grin.

"It is good to know I can make you smile," Sebastian said to her. "A moment ago it seemed you never would."

His words melted her heart, but she forced herself to remember where she was and who he was. "Just a dream I had," Hawke brushed it off as nothing. "First time I dreamt about my sister since she died."

Sebastian placed his hand on her knee. "I am sorry," he offered his condolences. "Death is never easy, especially when it comes to family."

Hawke felt like an idiot, suddenly remembering the reason they had met in the first place. "Oh Sebastian I'm sorry, I forgot...I shouldn't have brought it up."

But his warm smile again soothed her as he squeezed her leg gently, his hand still resting there. "We all must deal with our grief as the Maker sees fit. Perhaps He brought us together for a reason."

"That's a nice way of looking at it," Hawke replied, resting her hand casually on his. "Remind me to thank Him later," she said with a soft but flirtatious smile.

She wasn't sure if it was her weak attempt at flattery or her hand on his, but Sebastian immediately pulled away, now stumbling over his words. "I uh...I should leave you then," he said as he stood in haste, "allow you to return to your reflection."

Hawke felt a knot in her stomach when he retreated from her, knowing she overstepped some unseen boundary. "Thank you," was all she could manage as she lowered her head before he could see the sadness and disappointment in her eyes.

What she didn't notice behind her was the amount of time Sebastian spent staring in her direction, the several times he stopped himself from returning to her side, or the way he kept looking at his hand that she had touched, wishing to have her hold it again.


	11. Blackpowder Promise

"Carver, may I ask you something?"

The younger sibling sighed. "If you must Aveline, go ahead."

Aveline slowed her pace as they exited the Wounded Coast, putting some distance between them and Hawke and Varric. "Your sister; I've never seen her fight like that. Normally she sits back and lets us handle the dirty work, protecting us. But today..."

"Today she seems like a ruthless killer?" Aveline nodded, and Carver stopped walking completely. He watched as his sister stopped to cut some herbs. "You can never tell her I told you," Carver warned Aveline. "It'll mean both our heads if she finds out, but I am worried about this and it's the only reason I'd tell you."

Aveline moved in closer. "You know you can trust me better than that dwarf."

Carver ran his hand through his hair, clearly uncomfortable. "Back in Lothering, my sister had fallen for someone; the boy of a farmer. For months they were inseparable." He stole a glance at Hawke to make sure she didn't hear him. "Then one day one of _them _showed up and killed the boy, his family, and several other farmers and their children."

Aveline shook her head. "I remember Wesley told me about him; the one the Revered Mother left in the cage outside the town."

Carver nodded. "My sister was a mess after that, nearly inconsolable. I think they were secretly engaged, though she never admitted it. A lot has happened since, but I don't think she's ever spent the time to really get over his death."

Aveline began walking again. "She has a habit of that doesn't she," she commented.

He didn't appreciate the statement. "No, maybe she can't get over it as quickly as you got over your husband."

Aveline scowled at him. "How close I hold my memories is my own business."

"Then giver her the same courtesy," Carver said as he stormed off.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Revenge doesn't taste quite as good as I had hoped. We met a dwarf named Javaris that asked for our assistance in clearing out some renegade Qunari along the Wounded Coast. Oh how I jumped at the chance to slash to gray skinned bastards, I didn't even care why! Something to do with some explosive they use I think...really I didn't care in the least. Carver insisted on coming along; I guess he thought he was going to do the dirty work for me._

_Not this time little brother._

_Father, I enjoyed it. I am frightened at how much I enjoyed it. But every one that we came across reminded me of what was taken from me, for reasons I still don't understand. Carver tried to tell me that it was wrong to have so much hate for them when it was the actions of only one that killed Jeremy. But that's not true._

_After talking to their Arishok it was clear; they all have their "role," some "purpose," as if none of them can think for themselves. Any one of them could've come across Lothering and would've done the exact same thing for whatever reason. I don't see any logic to their reasoning behind what they do. As Varric says, the more they talk the less I understand. I will never understand the need to wipe out entire families with your bare hands. Those people did nothing to the Qunari!_

_Their Arishok threatened the city, though not in so many words. Said we are all living in chaos and filth. __He can shove his discipline and order; they all better stay out of my way. _I would've attacked him right there if he wasn't so intimidating! I don't like them being in the city. It's probably best I stay away from the docks as much as possible. 

_When we left the compound, a Chantry Sister wandered up to me and said, "Maker turn his gaze on you child." The timing was a bit creepy, and I immediately wanted to find Sebastian to discuss it with him. I'm certain he'd see it as some Divine reminder that my hate for the Qunari is wrong. But then I remembered my last encounter with Sebastian. Oh Father I know I shouldn't admit these things to you, but for the first time since Jeremy my stomach fills with butterflies at the thought of the Prince. Unfortunately__ I think he's avoiding me._

_As a side note, remind me to tell you later about the elf I met claiming that werewolves were real._


	12. Enemies Among Us

_Dearest Father,_

_You will not believe the trouble I almost got myself into today! Actually, you probably would believe it. It all started because I went to the Chantry to see if I could find Sebastian. I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable about the way we left things last time I saw him, but haven't been able to catch him there since. I may need to stop going there every day; I think some of the sisters are becoming suspicious._

_When I left the Chantry, I ran into a woman named Macha. She was begging a templar for help in finding her brother, but the man kept blowing her off. When I offered to help, she seemed so overjoyed I thought she might hug me! _

_Macha's brother Keran is a templar recruit. She is worried because he stopped writing to her several days ago, and the templars have done nothing to help her. Even Meredith threw her out of her office! Macha says that Meredith sees demons everywhere, and that she is terribly fierce and utterly without pity. This frightens me; especially when I heard she also goes after anyone found harboring mages._

_Not that I would feel bad if something happened to Gamlen, but I would never forgive myself if Mother got caught up in this._

_I asked Fenris to come along with me to the Gallows to speak with the other templar recruits, and he suggested I go home and change my clothes first. I hadn't thought about it, but walking to the Gallows in my robes would not have been a good idea! Thank you Fenris! Picked up Varric and dragged Carver along, and we went to the Gallows to find out what we could about Keran._

_Turns out at least half dozen recruits have gone missing. Though they were sworn to secrecy, some of the remaining recruits confided in me out of fear. They said Meredith puts them through some initiation and if you aren't strong enough to survive you end up dead! Of course Carver and Fenris both thought that was a good idea, but Father! If she'll do this to her own templars, what's to stop her from doing whatever she wants with mages! Macha said a friend of hers knew a mage that was made tranquil for no reason! What kind of city has Mother brought me to? _

_The recruits gave me directions to finding another one of theirs that had disappeared but returned. His name was Wilmod, and we ran into him as well as the one and only knight-captain of Kirkwall. How do I always find myself stepping right into the line of fire?_

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea Hawke?" Varric asked apprehensively as they rounded the cliff's edge. They weren't a far distance from Kirkwall, but the idea of being out alone looking for templars seemed absurd to the entire group.

Including Hawke. "Not in the least Varric," she said laughing nervously. "But I made a promise to help Macha find out what happened to her brother." Hawke glanced at her own brother as he walked beside her. "If Carver were missing, I'd want someone to help me find answers," she admitted softly.

"But would you have them walk directly into the enemies arms?" Carver continued to disagree with the plan even as they heard raised voices over the hill. "Ditch your staff," he warned. "At least try not to use your magic."

Hawke shook her head and sighed as Varric handed her one of his hidden daggers. "Rogue for a day?"

She didn't accept the weapon; instead she turned her staff upside down so the bladed end was now visible behind her back. "Pointy spear," she said with a grin.

Fenris smirked at her ingenuity but remained silent as they approached the two men in plate mail in a heated argument.

"Andraste be my witness Wilmod, I will have the truth from you now!" The older of the two, the knight-captain Hawke assumed, was holding the boy by his arms while threatening him. The recruit begged for mercy, but the knight-captain responded with a knee to the boys stomach, causing him to fall onto the ground. The older templar drew his sword and pointed it at the recruit's throat. "I will know where you were going, and I will know now!"

At that moment she didn't care that he was a templar. "Don't you lay another hand on that boy," Hawke said interrupting the fight.

"Sister," Carver warned in a whisper behind her, "that's the blasted knight-captain. Don't!"

Golden eyes fixated on her as the man replied. "This is templar business stranger."

Hawke opened her mouth to respond, ignoring Carvers plea and Varrics held breath, but she found herself unable to do so as the recruit suddenly stood and released a wicked laugh. Seconds later he turned before their eyes into an demon, raising other demons from beneath the ground. "Maker preserve us," the knight-captain whispered as he fastened his shield and stood ready in defense.

A wave of energy swept through the air, and Hawke immediately felt the mana drain from her body. The templar hadn't realized he just crippled her; he was focused on a rage demon in front of him. Whatever he cast was meant for the demons, but Fenris had to steady Hawke when she nearly fell from the momentary weakness.

"Thank you," she whispered to the elf as she began assisting in the fight, using her staff as she had planned from the beginning. Held in both hands and used as a polearm, Hawke began attacking from behind any demon that was otherwise engaged in combat with Fenris or Carver. Varric assisted the group from cliffs, Bianca easily finding her mark in the enclosed wooded area. A warning call from Varric caused Hawke to thrust her staff spearhead first under her arm and stabbed whatever was nearly upon her. The heavy thud confirmed that her target was dead, and she resumed pummeling the abomination in front of her.

With five seasoned fighters the demons and templar recruit had little chance of victory. As the last of the demons fell, Hawke watched the knight-captain kneel besides the corpse of the creature his recruit had become. "I knew he was involved in something sinister," the man whispered, voice hinting of despair. "But this...is it even possible?"

Hawke stood over the two, careful not to get too close to the templar. Her father had always warned her that they could sense a mage sometimes without testing them, so she kept her distance. "Do you think he was possessed?" Hawke asked softly.

The man glanced up at her. "Normally we only worry that mages will fall victim to possession," he said shaking his head in disbelief. "I have heard of blood mages that could summon demons into unwilling hosts, though I did not consider one of our own to be susceptible."

"I'm glad I was here then," Hawke spoke truthfully. "You shouldn't have been out here alone with him."

He stood now, focusing on the woman before him. A long pause passed between them before he spoke again. "Have we met before? You seem...vaguely familiar to me."

Carver shifted uncomfortably behind her. She heard the thump of Varric kicking her brother, and tried not to laugh as she replied, "I don't believe so. My name is Hawke."

"I am Knight-Captain Cullen," the templar returned, eyes still narrowed as if trying to place where he thought he knew her from. "I thank you for your assistance. As for being alone with Wilmod..." he trailed off, running a hand through his hair and wondering why he was about to explain his actions to a woman he just met. _She did just save your ass_, he reasoned with himself. "Several recruits have recently gone missing. Wilmod was the first to return. I wanted to question him privately to find out where he and the others had gone."

Hawke laughed. "So you thought you'd take him outside the city and beat it out of him?"

"_Sister_," Carver warned harshly behind her.

"Of course not," Cullen replied. "I thought if I scared him enough without doing any harm that he'd confess."

Hawke crossed her arms over her chest. "There are rumors your knight-commander holds secret initiations for the recruits, and if they aren't strong enough they die."

"What?" Cullen's expression showed clear shock. "That's preposterous. Hawke was it?" She nodded. "Serrah, if you listen to everything the recruits tell you, Meredith could fly and be able to make the statues in the Gallows come alive." Hawke couldn't help the large smile on her face. "Honestly, the gravest danger these recruits face is falling asleep."

"Do you have any idea where Wilmod went to while he was gone?" Hawke asked, relaxing a bit in the conversation.

Cullen looked down at what was left of Wilmod. "He was never fully convinced of the Orders rules. Mages cannot be our friends," he said with a hint of sadness. "They must always be watched. Wilmod had a lot of friends in the Circle, I thought maybe he escaped to visit them."

Hawke felt her stomach tighten. "I also have friends that are mages," she tested, "do they too need to be watched?" She knew her brother was furious behind her, but she kept her expression neutral. She had to know what this templar really thought.

Cullen turned his back on the group and looked out over the cliff. "During the blight I was at the Circle tower in Ferelden. I saw firsthand how a templar's trust and leniency can be rewarded." Hawke strained to hear his next statement, and assumed he hadn't meant to say it out loud. "I still have nightmares of Uldred's...depravities."

Word had come to them about what Cullen spoke of. Blood mages taking over the tower, possessing and killing innocent mages and templars. Hawke tried not to dwell on it too much, knowing full well she came very close to being in that Circle herself several times. She decided to change the topic and get back to the task at hand. "I was hired to investigate the disappearance of Keran. Would you know where he is?"

"Unfortunately no," Cullen told her, turning to face her again. "Both he and Wilmod were last seen together at the Blooming Rose, but I had no luck interrogating the...uh...young ladies there," he said as his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink.

Hawke grinned at his embarrassment. "Would you like me to try? Perhaps they'd feel more comfortable talking to a woman," she offered.

He seemed relieved as he accepted the offer. "The Order would truly be in your debt if you could help us with this." Cullen took one last look at the remains of his former recruit. "If you learn anything, please come find me in the Gallows. I will ensure that you are rewarded."

They watched as Cullen walked down the path and away from them, and once he was no longer within sight Carver released the breath he seemed to be holding the entire time. "Maker, you sure know how to terrify me."

Varric slapped the younger Hawke on the back. "Relax Junior, you should have some faith in your sister."

"Agreed," Fenris stated to the surprise of everyone.

* * *

_Are you as shocked as I am to learn Father that our dear Uncle Gamlen was at the brothel? He told me not to mention it to Mother, though I'm certain she already knows. It's difficult to miss the stench he brings with him when he returns. Knowing he spends his nights here staring at all the workers gives me the creeps. I sincerely doubt he can afford them, so what, he just watches them? I wonder if Fenris would mind me moving into his filthy mansion; I'd rather live with a mage hater than a pervert!_

_The hostess at the Rose revealed that they do indeed have a lot of business from the templars. Of course that got me wondering how often Cullen had visited, and if he paid for any of their services._

_We visited the woman that the recruits had been with the last time they were seen. In hindsight it was probably a bad idea to bring three men with me; even Varric seemed enthralled by her, and watching a dwarf try to flirt is not pretty let me tell you!_

_It didn't take long to realize why however. She began asking me questions and I was answering them against my will! That necklace you created for me to protect me from blood magic saved my life Father...I had my own knife to my throat and nearly slit it before I was able to resist her. It shocked her just as much, and she was ready to do whatever I wanted to spare her life. She told me it was a combination of blood and desire magics she was using on us; I can only assume she means the assistance of a desire demon._

_She admitted she enchanted the recruits and sent them to some place called Sanctuary in Darktown. I sent Fenris to fetch the templars while we watched the blood mage, and they took her to the Gallows. I don't know if that was the right move Father; deep down I really wanted to kill her for what she had done to me. Given my history...well, you know. Whether she lives in the hands of the templars or not is out of my hands. I did all I could._

_Carver was concerned we wouldn't be able to handle the other blood mages in Sanctuary, but I didn't want to waste any more time gathering the others. We headed straight for Darktown and confronted Tarohne. Her master plan behind the kidnappings was to turn the recruits into abominations and send them back to the Order, thus causing chaos within their ranks. The others that were missing didn't survive her experiments, but we found Keran who was imprisoned in some kind of stasis. _

_Once Tarohne was dead, her hold on Keran ended and he was released. He spoke of nightmares; of demons laughing and poking at him, his body on fire for days on end. Constant screaming; either his or someone else. His story caused Carver to "understand why people were terrified of mages." He said Andraste was right to warn against magic, and that he sees the templars side now. _

_Maybe he doesn't realize that I see their side as well. Not all mages can be trusted, that much is clear no matter where we go. But am I to be held responsible for the actions of others my entire life?_

_Varric mentioned Keran may already be possessed. Fenris agreed. Keran pleaded his case, but that wasn't really my call. The templars needed to know there may be a chance. Everyone else agreed._

* * *

When Hawke arrived at the Gallows, Keran was already there with his sister beside Knight-Captain Cullen. "Blood mages have infiltrated your ranks," Hawke warned Cullen. "They've been implanting your recruits with demons."

Cullen closed his eyes upon hearing the news. "Sweet blood of Andraste."

Keran filled the knight-captain in on all that had happened at the hands of Tarohne. Macha stepped away from him in fear that he too could be possessed, and Hawke tried to calm her and the knight-captain down with her opinion that Keran did nothing wrong and should be free from any possession.

"Perhaps it is best to keep our enemies close," Cullen stated quietly, studying Keran. "Keran, you will remain here with us in the Gallows. If you show no sign of demonic possession within ten years time, you will become eligible for full knighthood."

Keran nodded, accepting his fate and acknowledging the opportunity Cullen had just given him. "Those mages were horrifying," he then mentioned. "They see us all as ants to be crushed. They won't stop until they destroy the Chantry and the templars forever."

Hawke felt the anger begin to rise within her. "Not all mages are like that," Hawke stated. "And mages have been systematically abused by the templars for a thousand years."

Cullen moved closer to her. "How can you say that after what you've seen?"

"Yes," Carver muttered behind her. "How can you say that to the templar right in front of you?" And then in a soft whisper, he begged. "Sister, please."

Cullen didn't hear Carver, and continued speaking his mind. "At any time any mage can become a monster, from the lowest apprentice to the most seasoned enchanters. Mages can not be treated like people. They are not like you and me." Hawke resisted the urge to blast him across the courtyard. "They are weapons. They have the power to light an entire city on fire in a fit of pique."

A hand rested gently on her shoulder, and she realized it was her brother trying to stifle her anger and emotions. She reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Mages are humans and elves, not weapons. And there's fault on both sides," she finally said calmly to Cullen. "_We_," she emphasized to clue him in on who he was speaking with, "must find a way to live in peace."

Cullen took a step back as he reached out with his templar ability to sense her magic, and confirmed for himself what she really was. He paused for a moment, ignoring his first response to haul her into Merediths office for being an apostate. _The woman who stands before you saved your life today,_ he heard his subconscious remind him. "Perhaps you're right," he conceded. "Perhaps mages need better education as to why the Chantry functions as it does. Maybe then they would not go against the will of Andraste herself."

Hawke released her brothers hand and extended it towards Cullen. "I would very much like to hear what you would say when teaching the mages," she offered honestly.

He clasped her hand. "I will look into it and get back to you," Cullen said to her as he bowed to her and her companions before withdrawing his hand. "Keran, we must report to the knight-commander."

"Yes Sir," Keran replied as the two walked towards templar hall.

Hawke turned to Carver who's expression seemed to resemble sympathy as well as anger. Thankfully Varric spoke before either one of the siblings could. "Never a dull day with you around Hawke," he stated. "Drinks are on me, for narrowly escaping a new home here."

Hawke nodded in agreement and moved with the men towards the boat landing. She took a moment to glance at Fenris who had remained quiet during the confrontation. His eyes met hers and nearly tore through her, as if trying to see her entire future of intentions. "Do you see me as only a weapon as well?" she asked him.

He continued to look at her, not even blinking, for several minutes until he finally replied. "I suppose every one of us could be considered such from a certain perspective."

Hawke curled her lips upwards in a small smile. Changing prejudice was not on her agenda for the day, but she was happy with herself that at least two people in Kirkwall may now look at her and other mages a bit differently.


	13. The First Sacrifice

_Dearest Father,_

_If we weren't so desperate for coin, I doubt I would've ever accepted this job. At first when I read the poster seeking aid to find a missing person, I jumped at the chance. After meeting Ghyslain de Carrac however, my mind quickly changed. What a horrible man he is! His wife Ninette had gone missing, and his only real concern was that it was proven he had nothing to do with it. He didn't care where she was; called her a whore and claimed their marriage was failing for over a decade. I nearly walked away from him right then, after spitting in his disgusting face! _

_But there was a moment Father when his face softened and he appeared very sad. He says their marriage wasn't always in such shambles. They were in love once, Ninette even defied her parents to marry him. Sound familiar Father? I had to take it as a sign, you and Mother having such a similar start in your marriage. So I agreed to help him._

_Ghyslain sent me to one of Ninette's lovers, an elf currently working in the Blooming Rose. Jethann was very forthcoming about his relationship with Ninette, and how unhappy she had been with Ghyslain. Jethann led us to a templar that was asking questions about Ninette as well. Oh Father, how do I keep getting wrapped up in things that involve the templars?_

_Carver wasn't very happy that we went to find Emeric in Darktown. He was downright angry when we found Emeric under attack and I was forced to use my magic to help defend him. The nice templar said nothing about it; I think he was just happy we showed up when we did. We learned that two more women had gone missing, one of them a mage, and that's why Emeric was looking into it. The missing mage had received white lilies from some unknown suitor; Ghyslain said Jethann had sent her the same flowers. We went back to ask Jethann but he denied ever sending Ninette gifts, only letters. _

_Emeric gave us a lead to a foundry in Lowtown; he said that's where the phylactery of the missing mage had led him to, but he wasn't able to find anything there. I didn't see the harm in checking it again; Emeric was a bit old, maybe he missed something?_

_Creepy side note Father: on the way to the foundry we ran into a man who started following us around asking if we had any "dwarf dust." Anders explained that he was probably a former templar going through lyrium withdrawal. I read a story about that once...it was called Lyrium Prison and it was about a woman who joined the templars after her mother was killed by mages. That story kept me from drinking lyrium potions for a month!_

_When we got to the foundry we saw someone, but he disappeared before we could get to him. We made it to where he was standing and found some bones and what appeared to be Ninette's wedding ring on a severed hand. I was so hopeful she had just run away with someone that made her happy. Now I have to tell Ghyslain that his wife will never return to him. _

_Sadly I don't think he'll care._

* * *

"Why do you insist on pushing your luck?" Carver asked as they got off the boat in the Gallows.

"Emeric will want to know what we found," Hawke stated. "There are still two other missing women Carver; it's important that we share all of the information we have with each other."

Carver sighed as he looked around at all of the recruits in the Gallows. "I still think you have a death wish sister. Especially because I know you're about to walk right up to Cullen..."

Hawke smiled at him as she did so, daring to walk up to Cullen this time in her robes. He smiled when he saw her; Varric thought it actually looked genuine. "Hawke, a pleasure to see you again," Cullen greeted her.

"You as well," Hawke replied.

"I'm glad you're here in fact; saved me the trouble of inquiring where I might find you." Hawke ignored Carvers groan behind her. "I have told the knight-commander of your service."

"Oh great, more attention," Carver whispered to Varric.

Cullen thankfully didn't hear him and continued speaking with Hawke. "She commends your quick thinking and has agreed to keep the lad Keran around for observation."

"I've heard so much about the knight-commander," Hawke informed him. "As you know most of it was scary stories from your recruits. Care to shed some light on what she's really like?"

"She is not an easy task master, but it is not an easy task. I would not have liked her when I was younger," he confessed. "I thought mages deserved a softer touch. But Meredith is never fooled by a sweet face...she always sees the demon behind it."

Hawke couldn't help but smile. "I wish I had known you when you were younger then," she boldly admitted.

"My opinions have changed for good reason," Cullen whispered softly. "I mentioned last time we met how I was in the circle tower in Ferelden when Uldred summoned his demons. I was held in a cage for...I can't even say. Weeks? Months? It was one unending nightmare." The sadness in his eyes shown through his templar bravado, and Hawke felt her heart ache for this man. "I watched what those mages did," he continued, "what they became. I would gladly give my life to avoid seeing that again."

"It must have been terrible for you," Hawke acknowledge. "I'm sorry." She gave him a moment to compose himself before continuing. "Yet you remained a templar...are you not concerned something similar may happen again?"

Cullen shrugged. "Every day new mages are born in Thedas. Every day, those born a dozen years ago come into their power. It's our duty to contain the threat as best as we can. Knowing what I know...seeing what I have seen...I feel gives me an advantage over the others. I still have a soft heart, but my memories remind me that no mage can be trusted."

"The templars do provide a necessary service," Hawke told him, a statement that surprised her companions behind her.

Cullen too was a bit shocked at what she had said. "A viewpoint I did not expect from..."

Hawke laughed. "Oh go on, you can say it. We all know what I am."

"Still, I'd rather not," Cullen replied. "Your support thus far in your assistance with Keran has given you some...leeway with the knight-commander. I'd rather not press your luck though."

"She doesn't see a problem doing so, why should you?" Carver mentioned.

Hawke shook her head. "You'll have to forgive my brother. He gets a bit nervous when I talk to templars."

"It is a bit risky," Cullen agreed. "Perhaps we should speak another time. I have a round of new recruits coming in that I must prepare for, and I'm sure you didn't come here to talk to me."

Hawke didn't know how to respond to his last statement, so she ignored it. "Actually I came here looking to speak with Emeric. Do you know where I might find him?"

Cullen nodded. "You'll find Emeric towards the stairs to the Hall. I must admit I am curious why you are seeking him out though."

"He asked me to look into something for him," Hawke informed Cullen. "Unfortunately I do not bring him pleasant news."

"Assisting another templar?" Cullen's eyes widened. "I'm not certain what to make of you Hawke."

She smiled brightly at the knight-captain, teasing him with a wink. "Good luck with your recruits Cullen. I do hope to see you again."


	14. Shepherding Wolves

_Dearest Father,_

_When we ran into the sister in Lowtown I had no idea she would want me to aid in helping a Qunari escape; a Qunari mage at that. It seems the more assistance I try to offer this city, the more I get dragged into things that make me face ghosts from the past. I had no plans on assisting the woman when she said it involved the Qunari, but when I saw him...Father I nearly fell to the floor. Their mages are bound; collared with their mouths sewn shut! I have seen and felt first hand how brutal they can be, but I had never been witness to this!_

_The sister, Petrice, explained to me that some of the Qunari have deserted and are hunted by their own. I saw this with the Tal Vashoth, but they didn't seem any better than those they deserted from. In any form that race is harsh, cruel and uncaring, and I can't possibly believe there is good in any of them._

_Petrice believed though that helping this mage escape could help others see the Qunari for what they are. If he were free, he could live as an example of what they would do to their own. Preach to someone else Sister, I know what they are like. But I agreed with her; no one will realize the true danger they pose until someone they love has been killed by their hand. When she asked me if I would ever want to be restricted like he was, my skin crawled at the thought. _

_So I agreed to help. We escorted the Qunari mage through the underground to get him out of the city. Some thugs tried to stop us, but our mage friend helped us get through them. Frustrating not to know what he was thinking at that moment; grunts and groans don't exactly equal normal conversation. I wondered if he was really assisting us because he was following us; a sort of blind instinct. Ever talk to a brick wall? It was about the same._

_When we got out of the city there was at least a dozen Qunari waiting for us. We had been setup, a trap that Petrice would later explain could've shown Kirkwall and possibly Thedas what brutal thugs the Qunari really are. How nice of her to offer me as bait; remind me to thank her next time I see her, I forgot when I was calling her a fool...I would've supported her in her quest to show what foul beasts they are!_

_I learned a lot about what the Qunari really think of mages though. When we were confronted by the Qunari, I asked them why they chain their mages like they do. Their leader I guess it was, his title is Arvaarad, said that all mages draw their power from chaos and demons and can never be in control. Fenris later explained to me that an Arvaarad is like a templar; their main role within the Qunari is to hold the leash of the mage in their care. I guess that makes sense considering his passionate hatred of mages._

_Arvaarad said mages are dangerous and contagious? I wasn't aware magic was catchy, but then again the mindset of the Qun isn't exactly normal now is it. I informed Arvaarad that I too was a mage, and Anders admitted he was as well. Probably not the smartest thing to admit to an Arvaarad, as he immediately ordered his group to attack us. So much for friendly discussion._

_We "saved" the Qunari mage only to have him kill himself. He said that is the way it must be, to live by the Qun. He feared corruption so he had to die. I think Anders response to that was the best: "Of all the ridiculous, spineless, mind-controlled, senseless piece of shit arguments I've ever heard," he said._

_And then the mage Qunari replied, and it's something I haven't stopped thinking about. "What comfort has freedom brought you? Certainty is comfort." Has our freedom brought us any comfort?  
_

_If you ask me, a "certain" Qunari is no different than a tranquil mage. Comfort in both, isn't there? I guess that just means I like being uncomfortable and uncertain. Thank the Maker for choices._

* * *

Hawke walked into the Chantry as she had done many times before, only this time her mission was different. Several days she had visited in the hopes of seeing a certain blue eyed brother, but today she was looking for Sister Petrice. Now that she was alone without the watchful eye of her companions, she wanted to sit and discuss further Petrice's plans for the Qunari.

Of course when she isn't looking for Sebastian, that's the day she sees him. After their last encounter, Hawke wasn't certain how to approach him. She wanted to apologize, offer some explanation for being a bit forward when he was only offering comfort. In truth she didn't remember what she said, but his recoil caused her heart to ache, and she needed to make amends.

At first Hawke assumed Sebastian was lighting the candles for the midnight sermon, but as she closed the distance between them, his words of prayer stopped her from continuing. "May the words of my heart reach you bride of the Maker. Look with mercy upon my family Andraste, for they are now at your side." He bowed his head in reflection, oblivious to her overhearing his words.

When he turned to leave, Hawke quickly moved towards the stairs so he didn't see her. The last thing she wanted was to get caught eavesdropping on such a private moment, especially when she was there to apologize. Of course in her quick action to avoid him, she didn't notice the grand cleric coming down the stairs, and she nearly knocked the woman over.

"Forgive me," Hawke whispered to Elthina as the woman offered a soft smile.

"There is nothing to forgive child," Elthina told her as she regained her balance. "It seems we are all a bit on edge."

Hawke wasn't certain what the grand cleric was referring to. "On edge?"

Elthina nodded. "A foul murder has been committed within these walls," she said sadly. "We have spent a great deal of time cleansing them, but the fact remains blood was spilt within in the Chantry." Hawke did her best to avert her eyes from Elthina, hoping she didn't notice the guilt that knotted her stomach. "You are from over the sea, are you not?" Elthina then asked, changing the topic. "Have you come to pray for those you've left behind?"

Now she felt even more guilty. _Why no Grand Cleric Elthina, I came to stalk one of your brothers in the hopes of getting a kiss in the dark corners of your Chantry_, she thought silently. "I was hoping to speak with you in fact," Hawke lied instead. "I was curious of the Chantry's stance on the Qunari presence within Kirkwall."

"The Qunari presence here has stirred great controversy in the Chantry," Elthina stated honestly. "But they have kept to their part of the city and have kept their word of keeping peace within Her walls. I see no reason to dwell on them when there is trouble elsewhere."

"You believe they pose no threat then?" Hawke asked.

Elthina offered no real answer. "The Maker will guide us in all our differences," she replied.

Hawke wasn't completely comforted by her words, but decided now was not the time for any debate with her. "I should get going," she said to Elthina. "Sorry again for bumping into you."

Elthina offered a comforting grin. "Andraste guide your steps."

Hawke watched as the grand cleric approached Sebastian who was now lighting the candles as Hawke originally thought. A few words were exchanged between the two, and then they both set off down the hall.

So much for making amends tonight.


	15. Magistrate's Orders

"I hired you because you could get things done 'on the sly' as they say," Magistrate Vanard told Hawke. "I was not aware that included your opinion as well."

Hawks eyes softened as she spoke to the older gentleman. "If you stop pretending nothing's wrong, maybe you can help him." She moved in closer, lowering her voice so Aveline didn't hear her words. "I won't talk," Hawke assured him. "But he is known. How long will it be before they connect him to you?"

The magistrate looked down on her, being several inches taller. "I am not going to lose my son," he answered with such ferocity Hawke took a step back. "I will protect my family no matter the cost Ferelden," he called her. "I have a feeling we are quite similar in that regard. Would you do any different?"

"You're right," Hawke admitted. "But my family doesn't slaughter innocent elves and then claim the demons made them do it."

"You think you know it all, don't you," Vanard shook his head at her. "If you tell a soul about my son," he spoke in a threatening tone, "I swear I will make things very, very difficult for you here in Kirkwall."

"I am not your enemy Magistrate," she assured him. "But should Kelder escape again, I can not control what may happen to him. Keep him safe, and get him help." She spoke softly once more. "He begged me to kill him; he wants to die. You very well may lose your son, but by his own hands."

The harsh threatening expression on Vanard's face disappeared at her last words, and he held out the gold for her assistance in silence. Hawke didn't accept however; she offered a sympathetic nod before walking away.

_Dearest Father,_

_I have heard of mages that hear demons telling them to do horrible things. But today we met a boy no older than I am who claims demons force him to harm elven children. Kelder, the son of a powerful magistrate here in Kirkwall, told me of his obsession with elves and their beauty, and his constant need to slaughter them._

_His father had sentenced him to life in prison; no one in Kirkwall even knows they are related. But the boy escaped, and I was hired to find him and bring him in. When I found him he didn't even run; all he wanted was for me to kill him. I saw a sadness in his eyes I had never seen before Father...it was clear he was suffering a great deal. Odd that I'd have any sympathy for such a murderer, but I wasn't going to be the one to take his life. Regardless of his crimes, who am I to decide his fate?_

* * *

"Great ancestors, a Prince! Here in the Hanged Man," Varric called to Sebastian as he stood at the bar ordering more drinks. "A little out of place for all that fancy armor, don't you think?"

"Varric was it?" Sebastian questioned as the dwarf nodded in reply. He laughed at his own appearance. "I suppose I am a little overdressed. I've just come from the Gallows and was hoping to have a word with Hawke before returning to the Chantry. Might she be here?"

Varric grabbed the mugs of ale and nodded towards a corner table. "She might," Varric mocked his fancy speak, "though not sure how many words she can put together right now. Rough day," he added quietly as they moved towards the table where Hawke sat alone.

She lifted her head from her empty glass as Varric approached, and immediately the heat of the drink and embarrassment flushed her cheeks. Of course he'd pick today of all days to be here. Slightly inebriated though, Hawke quickly didn't care. She grabbed a mug out of Varric's hands before he could even set it down and drank some more. "Prince Vael!" she cheered raising her glass. "Come celebrate with us."

Sebastian waved off Varric as he offered him a drink. "What is it we're celebrating?" he asked.

Hawke's expression turned somber as quickly as it lit up. "My friends hating me," she told him as she took another large sip.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow as he removed his bow and set it aside, slipping into a seat next to Hawke. "Somehow I doubt anyone could hate you," he told her honestly.

Hawke chuckled her disbelief and waved her hand towards Varric. "Go on storyteller," she encouraged the dwarf. "Tell the Prince the tale of my woes."

Varric leaned back in his chair so the two front legs were raised as he rested the back against the wall. "Our fearless leader here accepted a job for a magistrate to recover a fugitive. Turns out the fugitive is a delusional serial killer who prays on the weakness of young elven children and says that the demons made him do it."

"He was an apostate?" Sebastian asked with a hint of distain.

Hawke turned to look at him. "Why ask that? Do you hate apostates?" she asked suddenly a bit more sober.

"Varric mentioned demons," Sebastian stated innocently. "One could only assume he was a mage fugitive then."

Hawke searched his face for a deeper meaning but couldn't see anything past his deep blue eyes. Varric noticed Sebastian clearly missed the panicked tone of Hawke's voice so he continued on with the story. "The Circle of Magi disputed his claim, so he said. He's just nugshit crazy."

"And your friends hate you why?" Sebastian asked again.

"They wanted me to kill him," Hawke whispered sadly. "Even he wanted to die, but I couldn't do it. I don't know why I couldn't, I've killed before...I've even killed for you," she reminded Sebastian. "This man begged me to take his life, end his suffering and save others from his deeds and I refused." The drink caused her rambling to become nearly incoherent. "Everyone dies eventually right? That's for the Maker to decide and yet I've done it countless times already. Except when it matters, when it's necessary to protect innocent, now if other elves die because he got out again it would be my fault and they'd be right..."

Varric straightened his chair, allowing the sudden thump of the legs returning to ground to snap her out of her tangent. "I think you've had enough Hawke," Varric said as he pulled the half-full mug away from her. "Maybe it's time we get you home and in bed."

"I can take her," Sebastian offered as he stood, extending his hand towards Hawke. "If you'll allow me to escort you home?"

Hawke forgot all about what she was just saying and looked up at the prince. "You want to take me home?"

Sebastian smiled as he helped her stand. "I'd feel better knowing you were safe and resting in your bed, yes," he told her. She watched as he secured his bow along his back and extended an elbow for her to hold on to. "M'lady?"

Hawke turned to Varric and smiled sheepishly as she linked arms with Sebastian. "Thanks for listening Varric," she said before they left the Hanged Man.

Varric grabbed her unfinished drink and consumed it, shaking his head at how oblivious the Prince really was. "You're welcome Hawke," he said to no one but himself. "But you're going to hate me in the morning!"


	16. Wayward Son - An Errant Letter

_Dearest Father,_

_Perhaps I am a magnet for templars. It seems even if I try to avoid them, there they are. I went to check on Merrill yesterday and when we left there was a templar in the alienage speaking with an elven woman. Carver immediately began plotting ways around him, but he was blocking the stairs. Luckily there's this big tree in the alienage we were able to hide behind until the templar left...not before we overhead the conversation he was having with the woman._

_Her name is Arianni, and her son Feynriel has had dreams of demons. She went to the templars for aid, but they hadn't been able to find the boy. Apparently he ran away when he found out his mother was trying to hand him over to the templars. I can't say that I blame him. Carver dared to say that Arianni could be Mother someday, concerned about me having similar associations with demons. He has such faith in me, my brother. Are you sure he's your son? I'm sorry Father, but sometimes I have to wonder..._

_Arianni claims this templar, Thrask, is sympathetic to her case, and not like some others who wish to only harm mages. She also suggested I speak to the boys father, but I didn't bother. He ran when he found out Arianni was pregnant, and has been back in Kirkwall for months now without seeking either of them out. Not a very good father if you ask me, and not worth my time speaking to him about the son he obviously doesn't care about._

_Carver and I went to speak with Thrask in the Gallows to see what information he had that may help us find Feynriel. Carver was busy grumbling under his breath about the attention I was drawing to myself; after my last encounter with Cullen, I didn't see any need to hide what I am. Stupid maybe, but no one seemed to mind today. I saw Cullen in fact; I smiled at him when he looked up as we entered the Gallows. At first he grinned widely, but then seemed to have caught himself doing something wrong and immediately found his shoe very interesting to look at instead._

_Thrask surprised me Father. He seemed genuinely concerned about Feynriel. He directed me to a former templar who wanders near the entrance to Darktown; a man named Samson. Remember that guy I told you about that was asking us if we had any dwarf dust the other day? Small world; he is the one we had to go talk to. The streets still aren't safe to travel at night, so I asked Anders and Varric to join us._

_Now that I finally spoke to the man for more than thirty seconds? It's a bit creepy how much he sounds like Fenris! If I close my eyes and not look at the unclean man, or think about the smell that radiates from him, I'd swear he was Fenris making up some funny accent! _

_Sorry, sidetracked as usual. His name is Samson, and he told us he had recently sent Feynriel and a young female mage to some warehouse in the docks. A man he knew there was a ship captain that took on runaways with little or no coin. Anders wasn't happy that this man was assisting apostates, given the sort of shady character he was. I have to say I agree. If Samson was my only option of freedom? I might just run to the templars._

_The warehouse Samson directed us to was crawling with slavers. The four of us took them out with little trouble, and we found a letter from some man named Danzig in Darktown requesting slaves. I almost wish I had brought Fenris with us; he'd get great satisfaction in killing the slavers I'm sure. But I also know he isn't a fan of mages or someone potentially possessed by demons, so I didn't waste time getting him. We still had to find Feynriel, and this seemingly endless trail we were on was exhausting enough without fighting with Fenris, or Fenris fighting with Anders. _

_This man Danzig dared to say he was going to make me a slave. I don't know what came over me Father, but for some reason my usual shy self ran away and someone else emerged. I reached behind my back for my dagger and quickly brought the blade to Danzig's throat, daring him to threaten me again. The moment ended before it began though; he grabbed my wrist just as quickly and nearly sliced me with my own weapon. Carver and Anders sprung into action immediately to protect me, and before long those slavers were dead as well. Quite a path of blood we were leaving in Kirkwall, though I don't feel bad about any of their deaths._

_I thought we blew our chance to find Feynriel then, as we left no man standing. But Anders suggested we search the crates near the bodies since their corpses didn't turn up any leads. Sure enough there was a map to a slavers holding cave on the Wounded Coast. No one felt like sleeping at that point knowing Feynriel was out there and we were one step closer, so we headed out into the dark of night to the cave._

_We finally found the boy in the caves. I didn't bother to attempt any negotiations or smokescreens with his captor; I told Feynriel to take cover and Anders and I launched spells in sync towards the man. Varric assisted as Carver ran up the stairs to push Feynriel out of the way, and we dispatched the remaining slavers and their leader._

_Feynriel has a lot of anger towards his mother. I can't imagine how I would feel if Mother turned me over to the templars. I didn't bother trying to change his mind about that; his feelings are his own, as was his decision to decide what he wanted to do with his life. He seems like a smart lad; said he was trying to find the Dalish and study with them instead of the Circle. He has a chance with them, being half Dalish, so I encouraged it rather than bring him to the templars._

_Arianni was surprised to hear Feynriel had gone to seek out the Dalish, but she was grateful her son was alive and now would be protected. After we told her the news, Carver stormed off back home alone. He didn't even come with us back to the Gallows to tell Thrask about his daughter. He's still sulking in his room as I write this. I haven't bothered to try and talk to him. I wonder what he thought I'd do Father? Hand Feynriel over to the templars? Kill him just in case? Would he turn me in if I shared my secret with him?_

* * *

"If you aren't careful, people are going to start thinking you're a whore," Carver informed her as he stood in her bedroom doorway.

Hawke sighed as she folded her letter and placed it in her pocket. "And why exactly would they think that?" she dared to ask.

"First that Prince has to practically carry you home," he reminded her, "and now your mage friend is here to see you."

"Anders is here?" Hawke questioned and Carver nodded. She stood as she brushed off the breadcrumbs from her robe. "You never did tell me what Sebastian said to you the other night."

Carver rolled his eyes. "If you were sober enough to talk to him yourself I wouldn't have to remember," he said. "I think it had something to do with some mages, big surprise."

"Thank you brother," she said. Hawke continued with a hint of sarcasm as she walked past him, "I know I can always count on you."

Hawke noticed Anders didn't come into the hovel, and for that she was grateful. Though it was a small step up from the clinic he inhabited, she was still embarrassed to be living there. He waited for her outside sitting on the top step, and began to stand when he heard her come out. "Don't get up on my account," Hawke insisted. "Allow me to join you down there instead."

Anders grinned at Hawke as she took a seat beside him. "I hope I wasn't interrupting anything important," Anders said to her.

Hawke laughed. "Besides my brother calling me a whore? Nope, not really." She removed the letter to her father from her pocket and placed it on the step below their feet. Gathering the smallest amount of energy, a single flame shooting from her fingertips to the paper, igniting the corner.

"Is that truly wise out in the open like this?" Anders asked her quietly.

She turned to look at him when she responded. "Whoever isn't busy being beaten by their spouse is most likely asleep. No one out here this late but us apostates."

Anders laughed, watching the flames increase as the vellum was consumed. "Do you miss him?" he asked, nodding towards the letter.

Hawke refocused her gaze on the fire. "Every day," she whispered in response. "What about you? You've never mentioned your parents. Do you miss them?"

"My mother more than my father," Anders admitted. "My father was afraid of my magic, much like your brother I suppose. I suspect he was the one that turned me over to the templars."

"Why would he do such a thing to his own son?" Hawke asked.

Anders shrugged. "Perhaps setting the barn on fire will scare a man," he said laughing to hide his uneasiness on the topic.

"I'm sorry," she replied, reaching for his hand to comfort him. She knew far too well that jokes often masked the pain within. "I shouldn't have asked."

He turned his hand over under hers so their palms were together and he squeezed gently after interlocking their fingers. "When we first met you told me you wished for a friend to confide in," Anders reminded her. "It's nice to have the same in return."

Hawke studied his face to gauge his sincerity. Though it seemed like an honest statement, she couldn't help but remember what Varric had also told her that day. Not wishing to give him the wrong idea, Hawke gently pulled her hand away from his. "I'm sure you didn't come out here to exchange sad stories though," she said changing the topic. "So why did you come?"

Anders wasn't oblivious to the distance she put between them, but he didn't comment on it. "I wanted to talk about what you did for that templar."

"Who, Thrask?"

"Yes," he nodded. "About his daughter."

Hawke didn't hide the sadness in her eyes when she looked at him this time. "I know you despise templars and everything they stand for, but I meant that promise I made to him."

Anders didn't argue with her, but he had to ask. "I was curious why you didn't try to extort him for money, or protection from the other templars."

"I could never," Hawke admitted as she watched the fire disappear. "When we first found Olivia, surrounded by those men and begging them not to harm her, all I could picture was myself in that situation. Alone, frightened, no one beside me to protect me." She shuddered at the very thought. "Would I turn to blood magic then? As she did? To save myself?"

"No," Anders insisted without thinking. "You would never..."

"I'm sure she told herself the same thing once," Hawke said cutting him off. "When we found the letter she wrote to her father...Anders, that easily could've been me."

This time it was Anders that reached for her hand. "You are stronger than that, stronger than she. You had the support of your father growing up, she only had a templar. Do not compare yourself to her. You showed the boy Feynriel great mercy today. He will live better among the Dalish than anywhere in Kirkwall." Hawke turned away from him, but he brought his fingers under her chin and forced her to look at him. "Since I've met you, you have done nothing but help others whether for coin or out of the goodness of your heart. You can not possibly think for one moment that you would have reacted the same."

"I'm not as innocent as you think I am Anders," Hawke replied quietly. She pulled away from him and stood, kicking the ashes of her letter into the wind. "It would do you good to stop seeing me that way." She retreated back into the hovel where she dwelled, leaving Anders on the steps in disbelief.


	17. Loose Ends - Nice Crime You Have Here

"You surprise me Hawke," Fenris said as they walked through Lowtown towards the alienage.

Hawke turned to look at the warrior. "Why is that exactly? Did you expect me to start slitting my wrists and raise a few corpses to play with?"

Fenris sustained a low growl in his throat before he continued. "I assumed when you accepted that job from your former employer, you would have done whatever it was she requested of you," Fenris responded.

"Ah," Hawke realized what he was getting at. "You didn't think I'd lie to her."

"Not as easily as you did...no," he admitted.

Hawke wasn't certain if Fenris was complimenting her on her resolution of the job or if he was concerned about how the false report rolled off her tongue. "Regardless of what you think of me Fenris, I am not cruel. I could never have let that boy return to her service. Not in good conscience."

Fenris kept his gaze ahead of them when he answered her. "I would not presume to know what you think of me Hawke," he stated. "I'd expect the same courtesy in return."

She opened her mouth to reply but then thought better of it. He was right, she shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that he automatically hated her for being a mage. Fenris had remained at her side for several months now, and Hawke was suddenly very embarrassed for the way the conversation had gone. "I'm sorry Fenris," she said quietly.

He groaned under his breath when they approached Merrill's residence. "Stop bringing me to the alienage Hawke, and all is forgiven."

She had to; she couldn't resist. "_All_ is forgiven? Even me being a mage?"

They stopped in front of Merrill's door, and Fenris offered her a rare smirk. "Almost all," he corrected himself.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I never thought I would hear someone say that muggings are fascinating, but there you have it. That's Merrill in a nutshell. She thinks the other elves in the alienage don't like her because she hasn't been mugged yet. Oh Father, what am I going to do with her? Her innocence, how naive she is, it concerns me that she's dabbled in blood magic. How does she expect me to have any confidence in her fighting off demons when she says some of the things she does? _

_She wants to know why someone can't heal the Wounded Coast. She thinks a brothel is a place to buy broth. She said the demon she asked for help was "very nice about it!" Beards look like squirrels. Cats can be knighted. All pirates have peg legs. And everything Isabela says is dirty. Well, okay that part is true. But you understand what I'm saying right?_

_I'm close to having enough coin to join the Expedition! A little annoyed though that I wasted an entire day helping Athenril. Okay, I didn't waste it because it had a good outcome, but I didn't make any money out of the deal. She asked me to look into some missing men and cargo. Carver didn't want to come along, he wasn't happy I was doing anything more for Athenril. But she was a decent boss for a year and got us all into the city; I try to remember that if it wasn't for her job offer, I don't know where we'd be now._

_I found her missing cargo as well as her latest employee. Oh Father he was only a boy of fifteen! So tough and brave, but the similarity to Carver broke my heart. His name is Pryce, a fellow Ferelden refugee like us. He lost his mother to an ogre and his father to darkspawn. He's been caring for his two younger sisters by working for Athenril. I knew the cargo was valuable, so I let him take it to get a fresh start elsewhere. Kirkwall is no place for him, and neither is working for smugglers. _

_Luckily I convinced Athenril that the cargo was gone. She's used to employees coming and going, so she didn't question why Pryce hadn't returned with us. I hope I've given him a chance at a new life, him and his family. Maker willing._

_I may have made some progress with Fenris today! After sticking my foot in my mouth as usual. I almost got a smile...it was a little itsy turn up of the left side of his mouth, but it was there I swear it! After the night I visited him and he attacked me about not caring about Bethany, and then the grueling discussion we had about the Gallows, I really didn't think he and I would ever get along. Yet he's still there when I need him, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I doubt I will ever have his complete trust, but maybe I can earn his respect._


	18. The Bone Pit - Get Back to Work

She paced outside the clinic doors for what seemed like hours. Her feet were killing her; dried mud and bits of dragon scale clung to her shoes. Her robes stunk of fire and ash. She cared little about the filth that covered her face, or the blood that matted her hair. Her only concern was that of her brother, left in the hands of the healer.

When Hubert had asked her to go to the Bone Pit and check on the miners, she never could've imagined what they would end up facing. Corpses littered the camp and fires burned in the distance. Varric and Carver cleared out the few looters that were on site trying to find coin, and then they all entered the mines.

Dragonlings; not so difficult in small groups, but when accompanied by an actual dragon, it was a challenge. Still, with two healers present, the group managed fairly well; Carver rounded them up, Varric and Anders took them down, and Hawke stayed in the background making sure everyone was well taken care of. It seemed almost too easy, until a survivor warned them of an even larger dragon up ahead.

"He'll be fine Hawke," Varric offers as she continued her small strides. "He walked in here on his own remember."

"Barely," Hawke reminded the dwarf as she started to bite the nail of her thumb. The fight with the dragon only lasted about three minutes, but it was an eternity for Hawke. Carver kept the beasts attention the entire time, his battleaxe slashing and splicing through the dragons scaled skin. No matter how many arrows Bianca sunk into it, or how many spells it absorbed, the creature continued to fight back.

One mistake was all it took; one brief second, a badly timed shield, and the dragons fire had consumed Carver. The scream that poured out from the depth of his soul caused Hawke to react, foolishly, by leaping towards him and knocking them both to the ground. Quick reflexes by Anders had her protected when she jumped in the way of the flames. Carver immediately rolled out from under her, a few more times to put out the fire that had caught on his armor, and then was back in the fray again. One more well placed swing and the dragon was dead, Hawke still on the ground in shock.

Both mages had nothing left by the end of the battle, and neither had lyrium potions to replenish lost mana. They'd have to return to Kirkwall before Carver could be healed; massive claw marks opened the flesh of his stomach, and some skin was badly burned. He barely allowed Hawke to bandage him before their journey back; his pride as damaged as his armor. Little brother was angry and in pain; a deadly combination when it came to his attitude.

The door to the clinic swung open and Carver stood in the doorway. His armor all but destroyed, but the color had returned to his cheeks and he was standing straight again. Hawke went to hug him, and he immediately took a step back away from her. "I thought I told you to go home," he hissed.

She instantly stared at her feet, much like she had whenever her father had scolded her. "I wanted to make sure you were okay," she whispered, unable to meet his gaze.

"I'm fine," Carver snapped back as he moved past her. "And I'm going home." No further conversation could be had as he hurried up the stairs and away from his sister.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I came to Kirkwall with nothing but the clothes I was wearing. Now I own half a mine, where other Ferelden refugees work for me (and at least they seem really happy about that!). Don't ask me how I came about this odd investment; somehow I got talked into it by some guy from Orlais. I think he only wanted to add my name to the deed so I could take the blame for everything that goes wrong there. So far a lot has gone wrong...dragons for one._

_We almost lost Carver today. I wasn't fast enough, wasn't prepared enough, he'd say I wasn't trained enough, but I know not to blame you Father. I screwed up...and that split second screw up nearly cost me my brother. I know we argue and we fight like cats and dogs, but I can't imagine not having him in my life. Things are hard without Bethany; not a day goes by that I don't think about her, or see the sadness in Mothers eyes and know that I caused that too. If I had been quicker then, if I had been quicker today..._

_And he hates me even more now. I reacted, maybe overreacted? All I saw was my brother on fire and I jumped on him to try and protect him. How quickly I run out of energy when healing and attacking! I need to pick one or the other and not do both. But I saw Anders doing it, thought I could do it too, and my pride nearly killed Carver._

_And now his pride is killing me. He's not speaking to me again...something I am painfully used to. Father I am so alone here. Mother and Carver and Gamlen...they are family, and yes I see them every day, but I still feel alone even when I am near them. All Mother can talk about is getting the estate back. All Carver can do is hate me for being the older sister and the one who he thinks stole all of your attention. Gamlen just sees us all as a burden, the family that never cared about him or Kirkwall until it was our last resort. When it comes to family, now that you and Bethany are gone, I feel like I have no one._

_Everyone else I know is also busy doing their own thing. Anders has his clinic, which he spends all day in unless I ask him to come out with us. Aveline's new promotion keeps her very busy and she rarely has time to come out or to talk. Varric has his guilds and his secret whatever it is he does. Isabela is hardly ever at "home" at the Hanged Man, and honestly I don't want to know what it is she's doing. Fenris likes to be alone and Merrill...well she isn't one for friendship. She's a sweet girl, but not really someone you can count on for support when you need to talk. And I'm afraid of whatever damage I have done when it comes to Sebastian...but in truth, I barely know him anyway._

_I have followers. I have family. But I have no friends. Even this, what I am doing with you, they all tell me it's foolish and I need to just let you go. But if I didn't have my words Father, if I wasn't able to sit down and write what's going on inside me...what else do I have?_


	19. Sharp Pinpricks-Pier Pressure-Night Lies

Hawke walked into the clinic quietly after hearing the sobs of a woman clear out into the hall. Anders hovered over a young girl, no more than six, who lay still on the table before him. Her exposed legs were several shades of purple and blue, an arm was twisted in the most unnatural position, and a large knot had begun forming on her head. Hawke couldn't help the gasp of alarm that escaped her lips, causing his eyes to meet hers.

"Help me," Anders whispered as his hands moved slowly over a broken ankle.

She moved in to assist; Hawke closed her eyes and placed the palm of her hand on the girls stomach. Drawing on the power within herself, she focused in assessing the damage within the little girl. A few cracked ribs, thank the Maker, nothing vital was punctured or damaged beyond what they could repair. A soft glow radiated from her fingertips as she poured her magic into bone, gently bridging the cracked gaps within.

Anders moved position; no longer opposite Hawke, they were now standing side by side as he begun work on the other leg and Hawke the arm. She carefully began with a gentle touch of cold to numb the area before snapping the bone back into its proper joint. The displacement looked worse than it actually was; once corrected Hawke concentrated on making sure nerves and blood vessels were functioning normally.

Hawke took a step back, completing her part, as Anders moved in front of her to address the forehead wound. Within seconds the bump had receded, and he took a moment to brush the young girls hair away from her face. "She'll be fine," he assured the worried mother watching over them. "Allow her to remain here until she wakes, and then take her home to rest for a few days."

The teary-eyed mother nodded her understanding; a barely audible "thank you" was said as she held her daughter in her arms.

Anders placed his hand on the small of Hawke's back to escort her into the back room away from the two. "That poor girl," Anders whispered as he sat down on an overturned crate, running a hand through ragged hair. "She wandered out the front door looking for her cat and was trampled by one of the night gangs in the mist of some street fight." He rested his head against the wall behind him. "The bloody bastards didn't even try to help her; they just left her in the street to die."

"Someone should do something about these streets at night," Hawke stated angrily.

Anders set his gaze upon her. "You're right. Someone should."

Hawke smiled at the twinkle in his eye. "Care to join me in a midnight stroll?"

He stood and reached for his staff. "I would love to," he answered with a grin.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_What a night! I am utterly and completely exhausted; drained beyond belief of what I ever thought possible. And yet I am writing to you because the rush is still so overwhelming! This is what I want to do. I think this is what I was meant to do!_

_I went to the clinic to thank Anders for what he did for Carver. I am sure Carver didn't bother to do so. But before I could even say anything, Anders was asking me for my help in healing this poor little girl that got caught up in the crazy of the streets here. The gangs that run Kirkwall at night are overwhelming; often I've had to dodge and run from them myself when I stayed out a bit too late. We heard them outside at night at Gamlens. But Mother insisted we mind our own business._

_I couldn't do that anymore. Not after seeing the condition of this child...who could do such a thing! When Anders suggested someone should do something about them, in that moment I realized he was right, and that someone should be me._

_With some help of course. Carver was easy to convince; I told him we were heading out to bash in some skulls and he was all for it. Then we tracked down Fenris who was also more than willing to assist. Two mages and two warriors set out to do what Aveline's guards have been unable (or unwilling) to do. A quick word to Varric to get a hold of his friends for "cleanup" and we headed out._

_First order of business was Lowtown. That little girl needed a safe home to return to. A gang called the Sharps Highwaymen led by a man named Ignacio Strand were held up in a hovel on the east side. It was a tough battle but easily won by us since most of them were archers. Arrows don't penetrate armor or magic shields very well so Carver and Fenris were able to take down a lot of them before they could even put down their bows and reach for their daggers. Once we took out the leader, his group soon followed, and we were able to check Lowtown off the list._

_Next we made our way down to the docks. Isabela had been complaining lately that a gang called the Redwater Teeth, led by some guy named Leech, were constantly looting ships and attacking crewmen late at night. I don't know why those Qunari didn't do anything about the raiders; they live right there, don't they care about the city that has provided them with a home? Oh that's right, they hate this city. Well that's fine, we took care of it anyway. I think Fenris really enjoyed this one; Leech was a blood mage, and for the second time I got to witness his fist go through someone's chest. Still as scary as the first time._

_Fenris informed us about another gang called the Guardsman Pretenders that ran through Hightown at night. They were a bit more organized under their leader Captain Qerth. I guess this is why the nobles didn't come out at night; wouldn't want to ruin your fancy shoes trying to defend your rich homes now would you! Fenris lives there. The Chantry is there. The viscount and guard are there for Makers sake...what are these thugs thinking? Nothing now. They've been taken care of!_

_It was a fun night I have to admit. A real feeling of accomplishment knowing that we can now wander around the city and not worry about each other. And rewarding too! A strange woman came up to us in Hightown and handed me a sack of coin; four sovereigns! We tried to refuse but she insisted, saying it was "courtesy of some friends" for clearing out the streets._

_I tried to split all the money with the guys but they surprised me instead. Each of them agreed to put their share towards the orphans of the city...to try and do some good with the bad coin that we had gathered. I thought this was such an amazing idea, I threw my share in with them. I dropped the money in the collection box outside the Chantry. Sure I'm still short for the expedition, but I don't care._

_I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. And even Carver hugged me before going to bed. Miracles do happen._

* * *

As he snuffed the torches outside of the Chantry doors, he heard a commotion below in the square. Cursing himself for not having his bow, all Sebastian could do was investigate the trouble and call for a guard if something serious was taking place.

He watched, nearly holding his breath, as the battle ensued before him. Two warriors and two mages working together to clear out what Sebastian knew to be one of the gangs that ran the streets at night. Who was this mysterious group? And what was their motivation for taking on such a disruptive and deadly gang? They seemed to have a pretty good handle on the situation though; the fight was over within minutes and Sebastian was able to breath again.

Some men came out of the nowhere and gathered the weapons and bodies of the fallen gang, disappearing as quickly as they had appeared. After a brief discussion with someone else, one of the mages began walking in his direction. Sebastian couldn't run into the Chantry for fear of being caught gawking at the fight and not assisting, so he hid in the shadows before the woman made it to the top of the stairs.

The sound of four gold coins clinked as they hit the other coins in the donation box. When the woman turned around, Sebastian nearly blew his cover with a quick intake of breath. He recognized her immediately. He hadn't seen her since the night he helped her home, her inebriated ramblings of sorrow still clinging to his chest.

But Hawke didn't look sad now. She looked happy, ecstatic even. Her smile was bright as she hopped down the steps and linked arms with the other mage. Sebastian braved the top of the stairs again to see her and her companions head off into the night.

He knew so little of her; the woman that avenged his family, then showed up in the Chantry in tears over a dream, only to nearly fall into his arms after a little too much drink. But what he had learned tonight, besides her generous nature, was something he wasn't sure he could forget anytime soon.

Marian Hawke is an apostate.


	20. Non-Quest: Why?

_Father,_

_Alright, time to prove something. I don't even know why I am doing this. Feels stupid. I told her enough times this was stupid and now I am doing it. Maker she's right, I am an idiot. I have no idea what to say. She says write what comes to mind._

_I guess I can start with what's pissing me off. Here we are in Kirkwall. I'm sure she's told you all about that. I tried to join the guard but Aveline told them not to take me. Said I can't follow orders. Neither can she. Then she tells me she doesn't like the people I associate with. She's annoying that one, always spying on me. I have a mother. And an overprotective big sister. I don't need Aveline going on about how I need to take up a trade or something. If she gave me a job in the guard I wouldn't need to do anything else. Stupid woman._

_I am going to punch Gamlen if I catch him looking at Marian like that again. Filthy slob and his drink._

_I know what I have to say to you. This templar you named me after. Why didn't you tell me about him sooner? Marian talked to Tobrius and he gave her letters you wrote to this Maurevar Carver. I can't get into the Gallows records to find out more about him but I'd sure like to. You should have told me though. What were you waiting for? Now you are dead and I can't ask you. And I am writing to a dead person. See? Idiot._

_Marian has changed. More so than when that Qunari business happened in Lothering. This is what she does though. Writes to you. Of course you won't answer so I don't see the point. The people we have gathered along the way all think she's crazy for it. Except that stupid mage, the one who constantly goes on about being a mage. I hate him. _

_She misses you. And Mother. She misses you too. And Bethany. I miss her. That twin connection Mother used to always talk about...it's missing now. I've lost half of me and now I'm lost. Marian has done a good job taking care of the family. You'd be proud. But you always were proud of her. _

_I suppose __I left her to it when I went to Ostagar. That was the man's job though in Lothering. We all went together. And it was a bloody mess that battle. Made it out alive though. That's more than I can say for some of the men I served with. Had to get home to warn the family. Glad I did. But couldn't do a thing to save Bethany. Mother blames Marian. Foolish. It was all our faults. Ogre got her, soulless bastards._

_I don't miss a thing about Lothering though. Except Peaches. I got a letter from her the other day. She's staying in Denerim and then moving to the Bannorn and wants me to come see her. She says Lothering is lost. I would go visit but we have this expedition coming up._

_I know I've been a pain in the ass. I'll do better. You'll see. I don't know what else to say. Giving this to her so she can burn it with her own. _

_Your son,_  
_Carver_

* * *

Hawke stormed into the small hovel, tears streaming down her fair skinned cheeks. She took the folded up letter and threw it at Carver. "Here," she said through hysterical sobs. "You can keep it!"

"Marian!" Leandra's voice raised through Hawke's screaming. "What is all the fuss about?"

Hawke stood in the middle of the room sobbing. "Why? Why you and not me? I don't understand!"

Gamlen watched as Leandra moved to place an arm around her daughter and Carver stood with some letter in his hand. "This is clearly a family matter," he said to no one in particular. "I'm just going to...go get a drink." He walked out of the home with no one having heard him or notice his departure.

"I did what you asked," Carver stated waving the letter around. "I wrote the stupid letter and gave it to you. Why are you giving it back to me?"

Hawke turned to Leandra. "It didn't burn Mother," she whispered as the tears continued to fall. "Why didn't it burn?"

"Oh Marian," Leandra sighed as she wrapped her arms around her daughter. "My poor sweet girl."

Carver looked down at the letter he had written his father. The edges were scorched but the middle of the parchment was intact without any burn marks on it. Every word he had written was clearly legible and unscathed. "Maybe it was the paper?" He tried to offer an explanation. "Or I used different ink?"

"It's the same as mine," Hawke cried into her mothers shoulder.

Carver threw the letter on the ground. "Sister, it doesn't mean anything anyway. Why are you getting so upset?"

Hawke pulled away from Leandra to answer him. "It means you didn't have to in the first place. It means Father knows you'll be okay and doesn't need to hear from you." Her eyes pleaded with him as if he had some answer she needed to know. "Why does he love you more than me?"

"Oh Marian," Leandra whispered behind her.

Carver moved closer to his sister. "Maybe it means he doesn't _want_ to hear from me. This is your private thing with him." He placed his hand on her shoulder. "Yours burn because he enjoys hearing from you."

Hawke's eyes widened at his explanation. She hesitated for a moment before asking, "do you really think so?"

Carver nodded and pulled her into an embrace. Hawke continued to cry for a few more minutes as he stroked her hair. "You were always closer to him Sister," Carver reminded her. "Maybe he still needs you as much as you need him."

Leandra rubbed her back softly as Carver continued to hold her. She lifted her head to look up at her brother. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Carver kissed her forehead. "No reason," he insisted. "Now go to bed, we have a big day tomorrow."

"Come on my darling daughter," Leandra said as she pulled Hawke away from her brother. "I'll put you to bed and bring you some tea."

Hawke nodded and smiled at her brother once more before Leandra escorted her into the bedroom. Carver picked up the letter and threw it in the fireplace, watching it for several minutes. The letter still wouldn't burn.


	21. The Unbidden Rescue

"Hawke?" Varric prompted as they entered Viscounts Keep. "Have you ever met Seneschal Bran?"

"My mother has," she responded as they walked the great hall. "I'm almost certain she bothers him daily about the estate. Whenever I come here, I go to the right to see Aveline. Never been left. It's like a whole new adventure," she said with a sarcastic grin. "Why?"

Varric smiled along with her, but for reasons of his own. "Oh just curious."

Hawke looked down at the dwarf beside her but he remained oddly silent now as they ascended the stairs. When they turned the corner to begin the second flight of steps, Hawke stopped abruptly. Carver, who was behind her, placed his hand on her back and he paused as well. "What is it?"

Hawke shushed him and began to listen to the conversation being had at the top of the stairs. "Insist if you must," a male voice stated, "but Viscount Dumar will see no one. If you've news of Saemus, I will relay it to him."

"Come on Hawke," Varric nudged her to move forward. "It's not who you think it is."

Hawke spun around to look at him. "You little shit!" she whispered angrily and then stomped her feet while moving away from them.

Carver was completely confused. "Uhm Varric? What was that about?"

Varric couldn't help but laugh. "Seneschal Bran has a very distinct voice. If you aren't paying too close attention, he sounds a lot like a certain Choir Boy your sister seems obsessed with. I just wanted to see if she'd notice."

"Apparently she did," Fenris muttered behind them.

They joined Hawke on the upper landing as Bran continued his conversation with a rather rough looking woman. She was informing the Seneschal that she had already tracked down the Viscounts son to the Wounded Coast where he was being held captive by a Qunari. She seemed to care more about the reward than about rescuing the boy, a fact that didn't sit right with Hawke. And when she dared to raise her voice to Hawke as she exited the Seneschal's company, Hawke was determined to make sure this woman had a very bad day.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_It seems I can not get away from these blasted Qunari no matter what I do. That poster we saw in the market district led us to the Keep where we learned that the Viscounts son Saemus had gone missing. A mercenary band was already a step ahead of us, led by this dreadful Nevarran woman named Ginnis. _

_While I agree with her assessment that the world would be a better place without the Qunari, I did not care for her crassness. Sure the boy has some questionable taste when it comes to friends, as he was with the Qunari willingly and not a captor like the Seneschal had thought. But he didn't deserve her attitude anymore than I did in the Keep._

_I wasn't looking for a fight, but I didn't really try hard to get out of it either. I admit there was a certain satisfaction in taking down this woman and her band of mercenaries. After she threatened to cut out Saemus' tongue...yes Father, I'm glad she's dead._

_Saemus called her a murderer and despised her for killing his Qunari friend Ashaad. Had I arrived first Father, he may not have gone willingly with me. I have no doubt I would've killed this Qunari as well, thinking he had kidnapped the boy. My hatred for them continues to grow in this city, and I am not alone. The Seneschal is concerned about their presence, as well as the Viscount. It is clear they are wondering about the political ramifications of the Viscounts son aligning with the Qunari. I may have thought the Viscount was aligning with them myself, had I not known better. Saemus told his father that the Qunari are not monsters to be feared. Oh Father, if I had a moment alone with this boy I would tell him my story and perhaps he would see things differently. I wanted to, on the Coast when he told me that the Qunari are not the brutes others claim they are. But I knew Carver was hovering behind me; it just wasn't the time to open up to the boy._

_How anyone could consider those bastards friends I will never know. They see the world only one way, their way, and if you do not fit into that world, you are expendable. Maker forgive me, because I will never forgive them._

* * *

"Serah Hawke."

Hawke folded the letter face-down in her lap, looking up to see Cullen standing before her. "Knight-Captain," she acknowledged, nervously folding the piece of paper over a second time. "Good to see you again."

Cullen stopped just short of the steps leading to the Chantry, inches away from where she was sitting. "Are you sure you should be out here alone? I heard rumor the gangs of the area had overrun the guard completely."

"Actually," Hawke corrected, smiling warmly, "_I _heard that is no longer the case. A group of rogue vigilantes took care of them the other night."

Cullen eyed her curiously. "Is that so? If you don't mind my asking, where did you hear that from?"

Hawke felt her cheeks warm, Carver's voice mentally reminding her she shouldn't be drawing more attention to herself. Especially around a templar who knew what she was. "Around," she said vaguely. "The point is I've been here most of the night and there hasn't been the slightest sign of danger. Certainly that's a change from the way things have been the past few weeks, you must admit."

Cullen nodded. "Still, someone of your... talents... should probably not be alone, either."

Hawke stood, temper flaring as she shoved the letter in her pocket. "Why? You believe if I'm unsupervised I'll make a deal with a demon?" He flinched slightly, and she stepped forward, so they were mere inches apart. "Dancing around that issue again, are we?" She extended her arms to him, wrists locked together. "Take me in, then," she challenged. "That is your duty, isn't it? Gather all the apostates and lock them in the Gallows? I wouldn't want to stand in the way of your commendation."

Cullen reached forward, placing his hands on top of hers. Hawke's anger vanished as quickly as it had come when she saw the vulnerable expression in his eyes. His fingers danced lightly over her wrists, the barest hint of pressure, and then he released her. "Good evening, serah." He stepped around her, walking up the stairs to the Chantry, and left her alone.


	22. Act of Mercy

_Dearest Father,_

_Well here's something I never thought I'd be doing. I received a letter from that templar Thrask. The one with the mage daughter I told you about? He wanted my assistance in convincing some apostates from Starkhaven to turn themselves in. Yup, you read that right. The templars are asking for a mage's help. Again. Carver's usual line? "So much for not attracting templar attention." I swear my brother stresses more than is necessary. So we went to check it out._

_We met Thrask at a cave not far from the Wounded Coast. He wanted me to convince the mages to surrender. He explained to me that the Circle in Starkhaven burned down, and the mages fled. They ended up hiding in the caverns but the templars found out about them through some traveling mercenaries. Thrask also spoke of a Knight-Lieutenant Karras that works directly for Meredith, and he feared what Karras and his men may do to these mages should he find them first. I didn't have much time, Karras got word where the mages were and was on the way. Aveline was surprised that Thrask wanted to assist the apostates; honestly so was I. He doesn't seem like a bad guy the more I get to know him._

_The leader of these mages, Decimus, apparently thought it was a brilliant idea to resort to blood magic to defend himself, his lover Grace, and the rest of the mages. Halfway through battling dragonlings and corpses we met a man named Alain who practically begged to go back to the Circle. He was afraid of what Decimus was capable of. We saw some of it; skeletal corpses continued to attack us around every corner. Amazing skills those corpses have; I wonder how they see if they're dead? Or even move their bones with no muscles or flesh?_

_Even though Grace tried to stop him, Decimus still attacked us, leaving me no choice but to kill him. I was hoping to save them all, but he didn't want to be saved. He'd rather consort with demons for power rather than go back to the Circle. Maker I hope I never have to make that kind of choice._

_Grace asked me how I could murder one of my own. Tell me Father, how could I? How has murder become so easy for me? Carver argues that it has usually been a case of self defense and I am too hard on myself. I am starting to wonder._

_Aveline suspected Grace was just as corrupted as her lover, so I did not agree to help her escape. Her plan involved killing Thrask, and there was no way I was about to start murdering more templars. I have enough blood on my hands; those templars I helped Anders kill still haunt me in my dreams. Grace wasn't happy of course, said she would tell the templars about me also being an apostate. I didn't bother to tell her that they already knew all about me and yet I still walk free. I don't like saying that out loud...I still don't know why they don't arrest me on sight._

_I think Grace realized she wasn't going to be free; that she was either going to come with me peacefully or end up dead by my hands or the templars. She consented to turning herself in as well as those she was with, and we met up with Thrask outside the cavern. By this time though, Karras had showed up._

_Thrask tried his best to deter Karras, but it was too late, he saw us. He immediately began threatening the mages, saying that Meredith demanded any rebel mage be killed if found. Thrask stood up for the mages yet again though, said he'd go all the way to the Divine if Karras tried to hurt the mages. Karras reluctantly left and the mages went back to the Gallows with Thrask. I'm heading there now to make sure they made it back safely._

* * *

Hawke had decided to take Aveline with her to the Gallows. Carver argued with her all morning about how she needed to stop going there, but she wanted to check in with Thrask and see how Grace and the others were settling in. Carver refused to go with her, but insisted she not go alone. Aveline was willing to take the trip; both out of need to escape the mountains of paperwork in her office, and to help keep up appearances between the guard and the templars.

When they entered the courtyard, Hawke nearly turned around and ran back home. Both Cullen and Sebastian were there; two men she had planned on avoiding for at least another few weeks. After the incident with Cullen the other night and her drunken antics with Sebastian a few nights earlier, she was both uncomfortable and embarrassed. Not to mention torn between how amazingly handsome both men were standing side by side.

Aveline gave her a quiet nudge when Cullen waved to her to join them, and Hawke reluctantly headed over to the templar and the prince.

"Knight-Captain," Hawke greeted Cullen cheerfully with the biggest grin she could fake without feeling foolish. "I hope you are well? And Sebastian? A pleasure to see you again."

Cullen nodded, smiling at Hawke and Aveline. "Hawke, a welcome surprise as always. Captain," he nodded towards Aveline.

Sebastian reiterated what Cullen said, but with a bit more concern. "Yes, a surprise to see you...here."

"I'm here to see Ser Thrask," Hawke informed them both.

"Ah yes, the Starkhaven mages," Cullen stated. "Ser Karras commends you for your aid in apprehending those apostates," he told her.

"Karras said that?" Hawke asked, surprised after the way Karras was staring at her outside the caverns. The only thing she could see in his eyes was murder, and it still sent a shiver down her spine. "Is that what brings you here Sebastian?" she asked.

"Indeed it is," he answered. "When I heard they had been brought in I wanted to meet with them, let them know that should they need any assistance in their transition, they had a fellow countryman as a friend in the Chantry."

"That's very kind of you," Hawke said honestly.

Sebastian's expression was one of concern. "They seemed troubled when I spoke to them this morning. I hope they will realize that this is the best place for them."

"Yes," Cullen agreed. "Perhaps they will find peace now."

Hawke shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny of both men. "Well, I should really get to speaking with Ser Thrask."

"I will walk with you," Sebastian offered. "I believe the Knight-Captain needs a word with the Guard Captain, yes?"

"While you're here," Cullen said to Aveline. "Unless I'm keeping you from other business."

"I have a minute to spare," Aveline replied as she gave Hawke a curious glance. "Meet you at the landing?"

Hawke nodded as she left her friend with Cullen. She and Sebastian walked a few feet away from them before Sebastian spoke. "I had meant to ask you the other night for your assistance with the mages, but you were..."

"Selfishly incoherent?" Hawke offered.

"I was going to say tired," Sebastian replied. "But now that you mentioned it, I don't think you even knew where home was or what city you were in."

"Sorry about that," she said. "It was a rough day. I don't normally do that type of thing, but...Anyway, I'm embarrassed enough by it and promise you it'll never happen again."

Sebastian laughed. "It's alright Hawke. Before the Chantry I was known to have a drink or few...dozen."

That got her to smile, and the tension between them seemed to dissolve a little. He stopped walking and turned to face her. "I saw you and your companions the other night outside the Chantry taking on that gang of thugs."

"Ah." It suddenly clicked in her head. "That explains your concern for me being here then. So you know."

"Aye."

Hawke looked up at him, realizing for the first time just how deep the color of his eyes were. Here in the middle of the Gallows courtyard, under the bright rays of sun, the man really was beautiful. She hesitated to ask her next question, given what she knows the Chantry feels about mages. But she had to know what his intentions were. "Does this change your opinion of me? Do you believe I belong here next to those mages from your home?"

* * *

_I talked to Grace. She said I should've killed her in the caverns, that she should've fought me with her very last breath to avoid coming to Kirkwall. I understand Sebastian's concern now; whatever goes on behind closed doors to have her wishing for death...Father what have I done? _

_Even Thrask says it doesn't feel like a victory, that he wonders if bringing Grace to Kirkwall was a mistake. He told me that Meredith ordered three of the Starkhaven mages to be executed, to be picked at random, to teach the others a lesson. Those three mages would've been alive today if it wasn't for me. They maybe could've escaped, with Decimus' assistance, and been anywhere but here where they just ended up dead. _

_Sebastian was with me when I talked to Thrask. He got to hear how Grace would rather die then continue to be locked up. He says he will try speaking with her again, maybe provide her with some guidance. She's angry, sad from the loss of Decimus, and blames me for ruining her life._

_And then we spoke to Alain. He told us that he had written a letter to his mother letting her know that he was alright, and later on he found that letter burning in a fire in the courtyard. He also says the templars beat them when they arrived, and hit them again this morning. And it gets worse Father, much much worse. Alain said that Karras visited him in his room last night. He refused to say what happened because Karras threatened him with tranquility if he ever said a word. I can only imagine what I've sentenced that poor boy to._

_I thought Anders exaggerated. I thought Grace was afraid for nothing. I realize now I have judged these people unfairly and I had no right to do so. With your protection I never had to endure what they have gone through, what Grace and the others continue to go through. Bethany and I were lucky, and I should have remembered why you fought so hard to keep us out of places like this. _

_But people like Cullen and Thrask...how can good people be involved in something like this? They believe what they believe but turn a blind eye to the corruption within? I almost went back to the Gallows to speak with Cullen about what Grace and Alain had told me, but Sebastian convinced me not to._

_After he heard what was going on, I do believe his opinion changed. I know he supports the Chantry and that goes hand in hand with the templars. Mages deserve to be locked up, and I am an apostate. But when he admitted to me that he would never want to see me in their situation, that gave me a little bit of hope. If I can continue to find good people within the corrupt factions, perhaps something can be done to change the way things are. _

_I'll need to speak with Anders more about this. I know he's very passionate about the subject; maybe he can tell me what we can do to help mages like Grace and Alain._


	23. Finders Keepers - Secret Rendezvous

Hawke, Carver, and Anders walked into the Hanged Man prepared to discuss some business with Isabela. As they made their way to her usual spot at the bar however, a suspicious looking woman approached them. "You two," she pointed at Hawke and Carver. "Fereldens?"

Carver looked at his sister. "Isabela said we had that look about us. What exactly does a Ferelden look like?"

"Apparently us," Hawke replied, returning her attention to the woman. "We are from Ferelden, yes. Can I help you with something?"

"Athenril said you might help me," she replied, and then moved in closer to speak in hushed tones. "Some raider captains are having secret meetings at night at the docks. The job is simple; break up the meeting and kill every one of the bastards."

Hawke sighed at hearing Athenril had been throwing her name around again. She was done working for the smuggler, had more than paid her dues. Why does she insist on throwing more work her way? Still, there was money to be made, and with the expedition only a week away, she didn't mind the extra coin. "That's not much to go on," Hawke stated. "Is there anything else you can tell me?"

The woman handed Hawke a note with the details. "If you manage to eavesdrop on the meeting before you kill them," she said, "there'll be extra coin in it for you. When your mission is complete, come find me here."

Hawke nodded and moved away from the woman, settling into a table to wait for Isabela. "I think I know her," Anders told them when they were out of earshot. "I can't remember where, but I _know_ I know her."

Carver smirked. "Some help you are," he said to Anders. "Are we really going to go take on a bunch of raiders because this woman said so? She didn't even tell us what they have done to deserve death as a punishment."

"Did I hear someone say raiders?" Isabela asked as she approached the table. "Have you spoken to Martin already?"

Hawke was now completely confused. "Martin? Unless he is suddenly dressing like a woman, no we haven't spoken to him."

Isabela grabbed a chair and turned it around before sitting in it back to front next to Carver. The blush on her brother's face was priceless, and Hawke found herself biting her tongue not to tease the poor boy on his crush. "Martin is who I wanted to talk to you about, and no he is not a woman. He's a raider, so when I heard you mention them I had assumed you already spoke to him."

"What a coincidence," Hawke said as she rubbed her temple. "I don't suppose he's at the docks is he?"

"Nope," Isabela answered cheerfully drinking the remainder of whoever's ale was left on the table. "He's upstairs in fact, but knowing Martin he'll probably need you to go to the docks."

Hawke perused the letter she'd received from the suspicious lady. There weren't as many details as Hawke would've liked to see. It only stated where to find the raider captains and at what time they met for the last few weeks. At least it was a pattern, one that was easy to follow. Not very bright. "Alright Isabela, let's go talk to your friend and see what we can do." As for the woman's request, Hawke decided she wasn't killing anyone until she had a little more information.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Usually when someone talks to me I try to give them my full attention. Here's a man, ex-raider, who claims to want to better his life. He's explaining to me that there is some cargo at the docks he needs to get his hands on and all I can do is stare at the rather large scar across his throat. Isabela said he was once a fearless dashing raider, but to me he just seemed like a broken, tired old man. Martin is his name, and he said the new raider leader gave him that scar when he tried to leave raiding. Apparently you can't; he was thrown overboard and left for dead._

_What good is magic Father if it can not fix such things? We have the ability to repair broken bones, fuse muscles back together, stop internal bleeding and stitch together everything that makes a person live and breath. Why then can we not heal scars? I doubt the man would let me try, but there has to be a way, isn't there? Maybe if I could erase something he has to see every day, he would honestly try to do better? One more thing to add to the list I need to talk to Anders about. He's a very good healer, maybe he knows the answer._

_Martin said that the raiders had some big plan for Kirkwall, and that soon they will be a problem. He didn't know any more, but at the time I thought it might have something to do with the meeting I was supposed to interrupt for that mystery woman. After Isabela did some sneaking around the docks late at night, we discovered Martin's cargo was right near the meeting place, so in one night I was able to finish two jobs._

_The cargo was poison, used commonly by rogues such as Isabela. I let Martin keep it and open his store; after losing his ship just like Isabela did, I felt bad for him. Sure poison kills people, and Anders wasn't too pleased, but one day that poison in Isabela's hands may save my life, or Carvers, or any one of my friends. I feel like I am walking a fine line when it comes to morality lately Father, but you left me on my own, so I am doing the best I can._

_As for the meeting of the raider captains, that did end up to be quite interesting. We left the warehouse just in time to catch them talking about sinking any Amaranthine ships that they come across. They also said that the Viscount's pardon came with strings; I didn't like the sound of that. Was he referring to our viscount? Why would Dumar pardon a bunch of raiders for destroying ships from Amaranthine? Anders said it probably had something to do with controlling the Waking Sea that runs between Kirkwall and Amaranthine. If the viscount was in league with the raiders, and the raiders controlled the water over Amaranthine, then Dumar would get a cut of every shipment coming into the Free Marches from Ferelden._

* * *

"Don't put Dumar as the bad guy," Anders said reading the letter over her shoulder. "Remember he doesn't really run this city."

"Alright fine," Hawke replied turning the letter over to prevent him from reading anything else. "Tell me then, why would the viscount pardon a bunch of criminals?"

Anders threw some coin on the table and picked up a card. "How well are you versed in Kirkwall history Hawke?"

"Here we go," Varric muttered under his breath as he folded his cards.

She laughed at Varric and settled in for a story. "Only what Mother has told me, which isn't much except for old noble gossip. Why?"

Anders leaned forward and began telling his tale. "Before Dumar, the viscount was a man named Threnhold. He fought hard against the templars when they tried to tell him how to rule the city; took the guard as his army and stormed the Gallows, arresting and executing the old knight-commander. Meredith and her men retaliated. Threnhold was sentenced by Grand Cleric Elthina herself, imprisoned for life, but died from a mysterious poisoning two years later. Elthina promoted Meredith as the new knight-commander, and together they have ruled the city ever since with Dumar as their puppet."

Varric shook his head but made no comment as Hawke processed what Anders had said. "So the Chantry and the templars are getting the cut from the sea trade?" she asked. "That has to be illegal, isn't it?"

"Sweet old Elthina," Anders said sarcastically. "Bet you never knew about her dark side. Whatever the Divine wants, she gets, and it trickles down from there."

Hawke turned to Varric. "Nothing to say?"

Varric shrugged. "Blondie has presented you with the facts. I can only add that it was Meredith who insisted Dumar take the viscount slot after Threnhold."

"Maker I hate politics," Hawke sighed as she folded her letter. "I don't suppose Dumar would admit to any of these charges?"

"Who would press them?" Anders asked. "The law in this city is the templars and the Chantry, no matter what Aveline wants you to believe. Wait and see Hawke; the raiders are only the tip of the iceberg of corruption around here. And it all stems from Elthina. There will be no peace with her and Meredith in their current positions."

Hawke didn't like the sound of that, but she had terrifying gut feeling that Anders was right.


	24. Find and Deliver - Friends in Low Places

_Dearest Father,_

_There has been something on my mind that I have been meaning to talk to you about. I know I tend to ramble on about my day and the things that happen to me and around me, but this is pretty serious. I wanted to get it off my chest before we went into the Deep Roads._

_Here's the thing..._

"Hawke!" Varric interrupted her thoughts with the thud of a large sack being thrown on his table.

"Yes Varric?" she asked as she looked up from her letter writing.

Varric dumped the contents of the sack on to the table. "I know you said you were a little short on coin and we're out of jobs, so I thought maybe it was time to go through all of this junk you collected. I shit you not Hawke, there's a fortune to be made here!"

She placed the letter face down on his desk before joining him at the table. Several objects immediately caught her attention. "Uhm Varric? What are those three?" she asked pointing to three jars that appeared to be filled with dirt.

Varric picked up each one and looked at the writing on the bottom. "Something we probably should've returned a long time ago," he told her. "Come on Hawke, we have work to do."

Hawke laughed at the excited dwarf. "We? What work do _we_ have to do?"

"Figure out who else you want to take along the way," Varric told her as he gathered the three jars. "You and I can run to the Chantry and the docks, but we'll need to go to Sundermount and I'd rather not travel outside Kirkwall with just us. Not that you aren't quite the skilled protector, but I like a little more meat between me and the bad guys."

"Always the flatterer," Hawke sighed. "Might as well take Isabela while we're here, and I'll see if Carver has had enough of Gamlen yet to get out of the house."

Varric couldn't help the broad smile on his face. "Hawke, if you tell your brother that Rivaini is going, I know he'll agree to come along no matter what he's doing."

Hawke secured her staff and the smaller sack that Varric had placed the jars in. "What do you know dwarf?" Hawke asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I only know what I see," he replied walking down the stairs. "And if I were a betting man, based on what I've seen my money's on Isabela."

Hawke shook her head trying to get rid of the image of Isabela and her brother. "Gross Varric, just gross."

* * *

_Sorry for the interruption. Varric insisted we go immediately to return the remains of a few people I apparently had picked up along the way of my adventures. First we went to the Chantry to return the remains of Sister Plinth to Brother Plinth. Nice to bring family back to each other I suppose, even if in the form of ashes. To the docks next for some outlaw named "Bearded Beast" Arintal; his son appreciated the gesture. One more quick stop to Sundermount to deliver poor "Half-Braid" Silsam's remains to Eb Silsam and now the morning is almost over!_

_I have to quickly mention Carvers lame attempt at flirting with Isabela. Oh Father, he certainly didn't get his flirting skills from you according to Mother. He began asking Isabela about her ship, and when he got all tongue tied he mentioned how she must have handled a lot of men! Isabela called him on it immediately, telling him he was adorable for trying to find a topic for them to talk about. The teasing brought out a little fierceness in my dear brother and the two continued on. Not that I'd encourage Carver to do anything with Isabela, given her reputation, but it's nice to see that maybe he can have some fun. He hasn't even liked anyone since Peaches, and that always kind of worried me._

_Anyway, back to what I was originally writing to you about. I talked to Anders about his plans for assisting the mages in Kirkwall, and he said..._

"Hawke!"

She sighed as she dropped her quill and glared at the dwarf. "Yes Varric?"

"Time to go," he said as he loaded up another sack. "Quick trip to Hightown will get you two sovereigns!"

Hawke left her letter yet again to stand over Varric's table. "On top of what we made this morning? Wow Varric, you really do know all the odd jobs in the city."

"I told you Hawke, stick with me and you'll be rich before you know it." Varric handed her the pommel, a shawl, and two important looking stacks of documents. "Rivaini has your brother trapped in the corner downstairs, want to drag them along again?"

"Maker yes," Hawke stated throwing the items into her pack. "I don't trust them alone for five minutes!"

Varric laughed as he retrieved Bianca. "Oh don't worry Hawke, what's the worst that can happen? Rivaini as your sister-in-law?"

Hawke moaned at the thought as they walked down the stairs to the main room.

"You look like a man I once dueled," Isabela was saying as she sat close to Carver at the corner table. "He was a little intimidated by my reputation as a vicious pirate, but he...rose to the challenge so to speak."

Carver shifted in his chair and leaned closer to her. "He looked like me you say?"

"Mhmmm," she teased as she looked into his eyes. "It went on all night, under the stars, the waves lapping at our ankles..."

"Isabela!" Hawke called to her loudly even though her and Carver were within earshot. "Brother, let's go. More items to return to the helpless in Hightown."

"Not now sister," Carver said with gritted teeth, looking very annoyed that Hawke had disturbed them.

Isabela laughed at Carvers demeanor. "Come on sweet thing, we can talk more while we play backup to the lost and found. Besides, there's a new outfit I have been dying to buy in Hightown. You can help me fit into it if you'd like."

Carver's face flushed and Hawke groaned. Taking these two out today was not one of her best ideas, and she was quickly regretting the decision to have them continue on. Better they be with her to keep an eye on though she figured.

* * *

_Did you know Carver visits the Blooming Rose? We just got back from delivering some shawl to a woman who works there, and Isabela said she saw him there the other night! He tried to get out of it of course but she tricked him into admitting it. Oh Father, I have gone wrong somewhere with that boy!_

_Okay, now that I have a moments peace let me try to continue to tell you what I have been wanting to tell you. I talked to Anders like I said, and he told me that..._

"You really need to let me take care of that brother of yours," Isabela stated from the doorway into Varric's suite. "He's a lost puppy that needs some attention, and I am just the person to give it to him."

Hawke rested her forehead on the desk. "Maker, what have I done to deserve this?" she mumbled into the letter beneath her. She looked up at Isabela who entered the room and now sat on the table where Varric had more items spread out. "Isabela, please. He's my brother; I do not want to hear about this."

Isabela shrugged. "I could take care of you too ya know," she said in her sultry voice. "Now you and I...we could have so much fun!"

Varric coughed, interrupting the two. "Up for more coin Hawke? A trip to Darktown and Lowtown will knock out the rest of this stuff I think and bring you at least another five sovereigns."

"Fine," Hawke gave in, dropping her quill yet again. "Might as well see that friend of yours while we're in Lowtown."

"Dougal," Varric reminded her. "I don't think you'll need his services Hawke after we finish delivering these items to their owners. You should have plenty for the Deep Roads."

"Still," Hawke shrugged, "can't hurt to hear what he has to say. By the way, what are we delivering now?"

Varric handed her the pack of items. "Just some wine, a grimoire, and some other items that don't really need mentioning."

Hawke eyed him suspiciously. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Don't do it Hawke," he warned as she began opening the pack to inspect the items.

She nearly dropped the bag as she threw it back to the dwarf. "Varric! There's a toe in there! And it's hairy!"

"Just relax Hawke, nothing to get excited about," he said as he swung the pack over his shoulder. "The toe has been turned to stone. It won't bite you. And the hair belongs to someone else, we'll be returning that too."

"Ugh," she said disgusted. "Let's just get this over with."

* * *

_I am exhausted Father. All of the traveling we did today, twelve random items I collected all returned to their rightful owners. I suppose it was worth it. Now we have more than enough for the expedition and I didn't need Dougal's help to finance it. I didn't trust him, and neither did Varric, so I guess it's a good thing I like to collect other people's junk._

"Don't write another word Hawke," Varric told her when he approached the desk.

Hawke released a half yawn, half sigh as she stretched her arms behind her back. "There can't possibly be anything else worth any value in that junk Varric. And I'm tired. I just want to finish this letter and go to bed."

Varric handed her a map of Kirkwall. "This needs to go back to the record keeper, Teryn, in the Gallows. You sure you don't have enough energy for one more trip?"

Hawke laughed at the mischievous grin on Varric's face. "You saved this for last on purpose didn't you, knowing I could never pass up an opportunity to go to the Gallows."

"Strange words coming from a mage," Varric stated. "Unless of course this has something to do with a certain templar you've been eying for the last few months?"

It had been some time since she had seen Cullen, and the idea of running into him caused her to smile. "Well, this map does look like it's very important. We really should return it."

"Mhmm," Varric agreed as he once again gathered his things. "Meet you downstairs Hawke."

_Looks like I won't be finishing this letter after all Father. Maybe once we're in the Deep Roads I'll have a chance to tell you what I've been meaning to tell you. Until then, take care of Bethany. I'll talk to you tomorrow._


	25. The Deep Roads Expedition

_Dearest Father,_

_Finally, after all of our hard work, it was time to go see Bartrand and let him know that we were prepared to join the expedition. As soon as Varric said he found a partner for the Deep Roads, Bartrand didn't seem too happy. I wish Varric had bothered to mention this little fact to his brother long before we approached him. I had that awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach from being in the middle of some family affair that I shouldn't have been in._

_Luckily Varric has that slick tongue of his and convinced his brother that if they waited any longer, there would be no profit to find in the Deep Roads. Bartrand agreed to a full share, and I gotta hand it to him, he already had the food and equipment and extra hands ready to go. I guess he was just hoping someone like me would fall out of that sky dwarves are afraid of and throw coin at him. Lucky for him I had that coin, as well as the maps from Anders. His face lit up with excitement when he noticed four entrances into the Deep Roads from the Free Marches. I wonder now just what he had planned to do without my information and gold? If he had a plan at all._

_I had a plan. I knew exactly who I wanted to bring with me. Bartrand said I could only take two additional people besides Varric. I wanted Carver with me, and he practically begged me to take Isabela. I thought it would be a good idea to take her as well considering Castillon was still looking for her; give her a chance to lay low for a few weeks and maybe he'd think she left Kirkwall and he would do the same. But Mother had a different plan._

"I'm sorry to interrupt Ser dwarf, but I need to speak with my children."

"Mother, no," Carver began, seeing the look on Leandra's face. "We talked about how important this is."

"I just want to know one thing," Leandra asked of her daughter. "Are you planning on taking Carver with you?"

Hawke sighed. They had gone over this with Leandra several times, once more again this morning when they said their goodbyes. She seemed fine with it then, but it was clear from her expression that Leandra was having second thoughts. "I can't leave Carver behind," she told her mother. "I need him."

"I'm going," Carver added. "It'll be fine."

Leandra shook her head. "No, it's not fine. It's not going to be fine. You can't both go. What if something were to happen to you?" She turned to Hawke, her eyes pleading. "You I understand wanting to do this. But leave your brother here, I beg you. I can not lose another child...I just can't."

_And that was the truth of it. She didn't mind if I went, she just didn't want to lose her precious baby boy. Countless times she has blamed me for Bethany, and now of course she would blame me for Carver should anything happen to him. It's taken me this long to finally not see anger or hate in her eyes. As she begged for Carver to stay, I saw something different. Vulnerability? Fear certainly, but not for me. I couldn't take her hating me again. I knew Carver would be angry with me, but I can handle his anger. So when I decided to take Fenris, whom I had planned on taking anyway before Bartrand ordered his two person restriction, Mother was of course happy again. Kissed me goodbye and everything with a smile on her face and her son by her side. Carver however, was angrier than I thought he'd be._

"Mother's right," Hawke finally said, feeling defeated. "We can't both go into the Deep Roads. It's too dangerous."

"So I get left behind to mind the chickens?" Carver asked. "It's too dangerous for me but not for you? You should stay and hide, you're the one running from the bloody templars anyway!"

Hawke closed her eyes, wishing her brother's voice wasn't so loud in his arguing. Knight-Captain Cullen stood watch from the south wall, and she knew he had heard. Her being a mage wasn't anything Cullen didn't already know, but Carver's words challenged the templar openly. Would Cullen move in to arrest her after Carver's statement? He was looking right at her when she dared to open her eyes again, but there was no change in his stance.

"All the more reason I should go," Hawke whispered. "Carver, please. Please understand. You know how things have been for Mother without Bethany. I can not be held responsible for..."

"Carver," Leandra interrupted. "You're sister is only doing what she thinks is best."

"I know," he replied furiously. "I guess I'll have to do the same," he said as he began walking away, Leandra following closely behind.

Hawke felt the sting of his final words to her. What did he mean by them? She resisted the tears that burned her eyes. The large crowd that had formed around Bartrand as the expedition was preparing to leave was not the group of people she wanted to break down in front of. When she could no longer see her mother and brother as they descended the stairs out of Hightown, Hawke turned to get back to Bartrand. Only he wasn't the one standing behind her. It was Cullen.

"You made the right decision," Cullen told her. "Forgive my saying so, but your brother made it difficult not to overhear."

She offered the templar her best awkward smile. "Yes well, Hawke family drama is always difficult and a bit loud. I'm sure your also happy to hear I will be leaving Kirkwall for a while," she added.

"If it will help, I can keep an eye on your brother while you're gone," he offered.

Hawke's eyes lit up with gratitude. "Really? You'd do that?"

Cullen nodded. "Of course. The Deep Roads is no joke Hawke, you should be careful and keep your mind clear of outside worry. I will see to it that Carver is safe in your absence."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you," Hawke said sincerely. "And thank you for not..."

"Hauling you in right before your big break?" Cullen smiled. "I'm just here to make sure crowd control is maintained. It would be best for you to be on your way now though, before things do get out of hand."

Hawke noticed Bartrands impatience reaching a breaking point behind him. "We're leaving now," she nodded to the dwarf. And to Cullen she added, "I'll see if I can't find you a nice gift while I'm down there, as a way of thanks for today."

"Come back in one piece Hawke," Cullen replied. "That will be thanks enough."

_Odd that I feel better about a templar watching over Carver, but it was a nice gesture on Cullen's part. Aveline is so busy with the guards, and Merrill isn't exactly someone I would trust my brother's life with. And Anders...well, he's not really speaking to me right now._

_After all that I have seen since being in Kirkwall, a lot of what Anders and his spirit have been saying made sense. There does need to be a change. But when I offered him a different point of view, and told him what Cullen had said to me about how mages need to understand templars just as much as templars need to understand mages, he and his spirit snapped. He told me there were plans, big things happening, and that I could either be on his side or against him. I don't see why I need to choose a side. How about survival? That seems like the best choice right now._

_So no, Anders wasn't coming to the Deep Roads, nor would I ask him to watch over Carver. They don't get along to begin with, and Anders didn't want to come anyway. Something about swearing to himself that he'd never step foot in the Deep Roads again...that was fine with me. I wasn't planning on inviting him anyway._

_So Isabela and Fenris will be with me for the next few weeks along with Varric. I'm glad it worked out this way; Isabela is away from Castillon, and if Danarius comes looking for Fenris in Kirkwall, well he's not home. I would've hated to learn that magister caught up with Fenris while I was away. Maybe this trip will be good for all of us; I can get to know them better, and maybe that stubborn elf will learn that not all mages are horrible creatures. I can dream, can't I?_

_Looks like we're pulling up camp again to continue on. The next letter I write to you will be from the Deep. Keep an eye on the family will you? Don't worry about the darkspawn; it'll feel good to get the opportunity to kill some more of those soulless bastards. If it weren't for them, Bethany would be beside me instead of Isabela...something I am trying very hard not to think about on this trip._

* * *

"This has to be the worst," Isabela whined as she tried to get the spider ichor out of her hair. "You think Bodahn has something in that cart of his for gut removal?"

Hawke had to laugh at the pirate. After spending days traveling below the surface and then finally being able to settle down for a few hours, Isabela hadn't complained at all. Forget being seriously wounded during the attack of the emissary, or spending hours looking for Bodahn's son Sandal. She chose her hair to complain about, of all things. "I'd go check it out. That dwarf seems very resourceful, and has pulled a few surprises out of that cart in the last week."

"He should be using his supplies to keep the fires lit," Fenris growled from behind her.

"I don't mind assisting Fenris," Hawke replied as Isabela ran off leaving the two of them alone. "Better to save the supplies if we don't need them."

He muttered something inaudible and Hawke sighed, turning to face him. "Even though we are constantly being attacked by darkspawn, giant spiders, and almost by that thing Sandal managed to freeze," she said, "do you know why I enjoy being down here?"

Fenris laid out his bedroll before replying. "No. Why?"

"No one here cares that I am a mage except you," she answered, laying her own bedroll down a few feet away from him. "The dwarves don't care, the hirelings are happy to be warm and fed, and not a templar in sight as far as the eye can see!"

"You misunderstand me Hawke," he said sitting on his bedroll and retrieving a sharpening stone from his pack. "They take advantage of your kindness."

His response surprised her. "You mean to tell me that you no longer care I am a mage then?"

Emerald eyes looked up at her between strands of white hair. "I do not recall saying that either," Fenris stated with a smirk that was dangerously close to a smile.

_Dearest Father,_

_So far so good I think. We finally reached the thaig Bartrand was hoping to find. It took a little while though, several cave-ins made things a tad more difficult but we managed to find a way around. I'll admit this to you and you only: I almost regret not bringing Anders now. Between the chaos of the darkspawn and watching everyone's back on my own, Isabela was seriously injured. I wasn't able to get to her in time and I thought we'd lost her for a minute there. I'm doing the best I can with the healing around here, but I'm not as good as Anders is. Thankfully Isabela wasn't too mad at me, but said a night in my bedroll next to me to keep warm was what I could do to earn her forgiveness. Maker she doesn't stop trying!_

_Bartrand seems to believe we have stumbled upon a thaig of dwarves that were around long before the first blight. He had heard rumors of this place but didn't know for certain until we arrived that it actually existed. Not exactly helping my confidence in him by these statements he makes, but at least he's stopped running us all on little sleep. Tonight will be food, sleep, and then heading off into the thaig in the morning to explore. However he knows when morning is given the lack of sky. I suppose dwarves have some secret sense of time since they are meant to live below the surface anyway._

_I'm making progress with Fenris I think, which is nice. I think without the ranting of Anders in his ear and Merrill being a reminder for him of blood magic, we can actually make some headway towards a nice friendship. I'm a little worried about him though...he hasn't said anything, but I wonder what being near all this raw lyrium may be doing to him. I think it's reacting to the lyrium in his skin somehow; I occasionally see him scratching at his arms as if he had a million bug bites. I'll ask him before we head out again if there is anything I can do._

_That Bodahn is such a thoughtful dwarf! A near tragedy, he told us his son had gone running off into the tunnels unsupervised. Though when we found him he seemed to be doing just fine on his own, Bodahn keeps thanking us for saving his boy. Honestly Father you would know, we didn't do anything except escort him back. But now Bodahn says if we do find our riches and get into Mother's old estate, he wants to come work for us as some sort of thanks. I assured him that if we did manage to find anything down here, though so far it seemed unlikely, that he could work for us and be paid for his services._

_Let's hope this thaig has something, otherwise we have wasted a lot of time and coin. Help us out if you can, will you?_

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Sorry it's been a while, but I haven't had access to anything to write with in days. I don't even know where to begin to explain the chaos that has been our trip! I guess I should start by thanking you for your survival tips growing up...the emergency rations in my pack made a big difference for the first few days, but supporting all four of us it didn't last as long as I had hoped._

_Jumped ahead of myself, sorry. Varric's jerk brother locked us into the ancient thaig. We found this idol that he thought was worth more than his brother's life and he took off with it and left us to die. Nice guy right? So we were on our own since Bodahn had all of our supplies and rations while we scouted ahead. As I said the food lasted a few days, but after that it almost got ugly._

_Fenris has a new appreciation for mages. It's not like there was any water to be found in that place, so it was up to me to keep us all hydrated. The funny (well not really funny) part was we hadn't even thought to do such a thing until after a fight with some nasty shades. I had released a frost spell and our bodies immediately went after the remains of the ice when the fight was over. So we lived on ice chips, and then Isabela came up with the idea to melt the ice to get it warm enough for us to at least bathe in. Last thing we needed was to miss a cut or a scrape under filth and become tainted. We created makeshift bathtubs with stones as best we could, then I'd fill it with ice and melt it down with fire. In a pinch it worked wonders, though hopefully I'll never have to do that again._

_Met a demon down there. Promised us a way out if we left his "children" alone. There were profanes that fed off the strange lyrium in the old thaig, and this demon was feeding off of them. It was an easy decision not to cut a deal with it. Fenris seemed almost proud that I hadn't even engaged in conversation with it and immediately attacked it. The demon fled at first, sending abominations and more shades to do his dirty work on top of the profanes we were already fighting. But we met up with the demon further into the thaig and it finally came to blows. We were broken, exhausted, starving, and becoming increasingly claustrophobic, but I have to admit even I was excited to see the treasure we had found! Among the treasure? A key to a door that led us right back where we started, at the beginning of the old thaig._

_That was a week ago. Today we are on the surface, laying in the dirt and enjoying the sky above us. I am able to write to you thanks to our newest friend Bodahn, who remained behind after Bartrand and his men left. Bodahn refused to go with him, and good for him for standing his ground because Bartrand can be intimidating if you're a dwarf! But also yay for us! I think I ate enough for four people, and I'm sure I will regret it when my stomach catches up. The only one really unaffected by the hunger was Fenris, which made me sad because that just means he was used to it from his life as a slave. That didn't stop him from eating just as much though!_

_With Bodahn and Sandal here the journey back to Kirkwall should be a breeze. We don't have to continue to carry all of this heavy treasure we found, we have food, we have water, and we have our health. With the exception of Bartrand leaving us behind like he did, it really was a successful venture for us. Varric says that as soon as he gets the chance he will reach out to his contacts and get the best price for what we have. That will help when I distribute the coin to everyone. I figured it's only fair everyone get a cut, even if they weren't allowed to come with us. Every one of them helped Carver and I raise the money for the expedition in the first place, it's the least I can do. I was only going to do it with my share, but Varric said he'd chip in too. What a great business partner I have in him, and also a good friend._

_I can not wait to get back home and tell Mother and Carver the good news...as Varric says, we're going to be rich!_

Hawke gleefully skipped steps as she ran upwards towards Gamlen's hovel. She couldn't wait to see the look on her mother's face when she announced the good news. Soon they could buy back the Amell estate, and Leandra can get back into that nobility circle she'd been craving since stepping foot back into Kirkwall. Carver would have the coin to do whatever he wanted to do with his life, and everyone could breath a little easier.

When she opened the door, Hawke froze, almost unsure for a moment if she were in the right home. Her uncle was there, her mother too, but standing before her was also a man she almost didn't recognize at first.

"So, you're back." He walked towards her, Leandra right behind him, and Hawke felt for the doorframe to steady herself.

"Oh thank the Maker!" Leandra exclaimed. "Please, talk some sense into him!"

Hawke blinked a few times, staring between her mother and this man she was barely able to comprehend was her brother. The sight of him overshadowed the anger in the back of Hawke's mind at her mother not even saying hello and simply demanding she fix this. "Carver? What is that you're wearing?"

"I've joined the templar order," Carver replied matter-of-factly. "There's no point in trying to talk me out of it. It's done."

Time seemed to stand still as she processed his words. Her baby brother, a templar? The same man that feared them so much when she left has now joined them? Hawke's head was spinning, and she truly felt as if she'd pass out at any moment. "I...I need to sit down."

"Here, let me help you." A third voice in the room she hadn't heard yet, and then someone was holding her elbow. Hawke turned to see Knight-Captain Cullen, who she hadn't even noticed when she first entered.

"Cullen?" She pulled away from him angrily. "Was this your way of keeping an eye on him? I meant for you to keep him safe, not recruit him!"

Carver stepped forward. "Sister, careful. Remember who you're talking to."

Hawke pressed her back against the wall furthest away from the both of them. "I know damned bloody well who I am talking to." Her angry stare pierced through Cullen. "How could you?"

"Don't blame him for this," Carver insisted, though Hawke barely heard a word he said as she continued to glare at Cullen. "I wanted this. For myself."

Cullen shifted uncomfortably. "I should uhm...leave you alone. This is clearly a family matter."

He reached for the door cautiously which was still within Hawke's reach. She barely managed a whisper through her anger and pain. "I trusted you," she said to him. He stopped to look at her, sorrow in his eyes for hurting her, but said nothing further as he left the family alone.

"Marian, please," Carver approached her. "I want to _be_ someone, more than just your brother. This is my chance."

"Oh Carver," Leandra replied when Hawke couldn't answer her brother. "Please, my boy, the Order is so dangerous. Your sister won't be there to protect you."

He knew his mother wouldn't understand, but he had hoped his sister would. "No, she won't be," he told his mother loud enough for Hawke to hear. "But perhaps now I can protect her." And with that he walked out of Gamlens to follow Cullen back to the Gallows.


	26. Speak to Fenris - Blackpowder Courtesy

**_A/N: As we begin Act 2, you can assume Hawke continued to write to her father the goings on over the last three years. For this reason, I am only briefly touching on the quest Finding Home, though it won't fit in the chapter title. Anything she may have written that is crucial to plot I will recap, as you'll see in this chapter._**

* * *

After all this time it was still hard to believe that opening the front door now led into Hightown instead of Lowtown. Exiting her home into the fresher, cleaner air away from the foundry, Hawke lifted her head to the sky and embraced the sun for the second time that day. She had already been to see the Viscount, an encounter that had surprised and concerned her, and now she headed towards Fenris' mansion to ask for his assistance.

She paused at the Chantry steps before moving on. It had been nearly three years since she had seen or heard from Sebastian. The grand cleric informed her he had taken leave for personal reasons, though she wouldn't divulge any further details. It was probably for the best, Hawke mused, otherwise she'd be taking full advantage of the now short distance to the Chantry from her home.

Hawke cautiously entered the mansion where Fenris resided and paused as she heard voices coming from upstairs. He wasn't alone, and for a moment she feared Danarius had finally come for him. But seconds later she relaxed when she heard the teasing laughter of Isabela echo through the empty dwelling. From their time in the Deep Roads, Hawke had suspected a bond of sorts was forming between the two, but now it was confirmed they had become friends.

She hesitated before ascending the stairs, wondering now if the two were engaged in something she'd rather not see, but talk of tax collectors didn't sound too intimate so Hawke continued onward. Isabela must have heard her come up the stairs, because she stood immediately and began to leave, not before strutting her rear in front of Fenris and offering Hawke a wink.

"Hawke," Fenris said her name in a welcoming tone.

"Good morning," she replied with a smile as she sat in the chair previously occupied by Isabela. "I hope I wasn't interrupting anything."

"Not at all," the elf informed her. "Another year held up in this mansion, another year to avoid taxes it seems. Isabela was assisting me."

"I see," Hawke stated. "Has it really been another year already?"

"Mm," he acknowledged. "Three now in fact. And still no sign of Danarius. I almost dare to think he's given up."

Hawke wished that were true for her friend. "It certainly is a nice thought."

Fenris nodded. "I've wanted to ask you something for some time now, but the opportunity never presented itself."

"You can ask me anything Fenris," she assured him. "We are friends."

He turned away from her then and looked out the window. "Your brother once mentioned that you and your family moved around a lot; your father and two of his daughters being apostates I understand the need. But you've been in Kirkwall for nearly four years now." He glanced back towards her. "Have you finally stopped running?"

Hawke studied his expression for the real reason behind his question. "You're wondering if it's time to stop as well? Perhaps build a life here?"

"Is that even possible?" Fenris asked. "I am not sure I know how."

She laughed, though stopped abruptly when she saw the look of confusion in his face at her reaction. "We've both stopped running Fenris. You said it yourself, it's been three years and you are still here. You have friends, weekly card games, this huge mansion to live in, and a steady job of bailing me out of trouble! Is there a better definition of a life?" When he remained silent, Hawke continued. "And just so you know, should Danarius show up, we wouldn't let you run again if you tried. Every one of us, even Anders, would be by your side to defend you."

Fenris thought on what she said. "I suppose I sound ungrateful then, not realizing this as you have."

"No," Hawke told him honestly. "There are days I don't realize it either. But since we are friends, I count on you to remind me as I have reminded you today."

With that he smiled, acknowledging the truth in her words. "Of course. Now perhaps you will tell me the reason you are here?"

Her expression turned to confusion and darkness, and Fenris swore he saw fear in her eyes as well. "I was summoned this morning by the Viscount. He spent the better part of our time together telling me his fears surrounding the Qunari. The fact that they are still here, and zealots that may be plotting something to antagonize them and bring war to Kirkwall. He is concerned they want something, and seems to believe they going to ask for it soon."

"Any ideas what it may be?" Fenris asked.

"Not yet," Hawke told him. "But apparently the Arishok has sent a request for me."

"And the Viscount wants you to keep the peace," Fenris deduced, and Hawke confirmed with a nod. "What does the Arishok want with you?"

She shrugged. "He didn't know. Received a letter by messenger requesting that I be sent to the compound immediately."

Fenris was starting to understand why she was afraid. "You wish for me to go with you," he stated more than questioned.

Hawke felt the tears sting her eyes. "Without my brother around, I admit I am not as brave to face the Arishok alone. He seems to respect you though, maybe he won't crush me where I stand if you're beside me?"

Fenris grinned in an effort to comfort her. "I will go with you," he stated as he stood. "I also recommend bringing Aveline along. Having the captain of the guard beside you may remind the Arishok he is on borrowed land."

"Good idea," she said following his lead and standing as well. "Thank you Fenris. I really appreciate it."

"A reminder Hawke," Fenris told her. "We would all gladly defend you as well."

His reassurance and reminder pushed aside her fear, and Hawke felt more confident to meet the Arishok and face whatever it was he wanted from her.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_More and more people are asking me for help, and I keep showing up with a smile! On the outside it appears I have it all, yet on the inside I am as lost as I was three years ago. Sometimes as I sit in my room that's bigger than Gamlen's hovel these are the thoughts I have. I know I've told you many times over the last three years all the changes that were taking place, but I have to keep reminding myself this is now my life. I'm certain I will be reminding you of that strange expensive art in the library again next week...I wonder if I gave Mother too much gold to spend. Which reminds me, Bodahn gave me the final payment today...three years later! I guess some of Varric's sources took a while to pay up, but now we are finally done with selling everything from the Deep Roads. Close that chapter for good, I never want to think about that place again!_

_Sorry, I suppose I should tell you why my mind is a complete mess today. It all started this morning when Bodahn informed me the Viscount wanted to see me. I was nervous enough at being summoned by him, but then to learn the Arishok knows my name? I hate even more that he knows I have changed my fortune over the years as he says. To be called upon by the Viscount of the city and told that the most hated enemy residing in town wanted to speak with me was not one of the highlights of my day. Neither was the reason he requested my help in the first place._

_Well, not really help. "A courtesy" as he likes to say, in telling me that his poisonous gas was stolen and could kill thousands in Kirkwall. In other words, "I allowed it to get out, so fix it before it becomes a problem." At first we suspected Javaris, the dwarf that was after the substance years ago. but it turned out to be some crazy elf that was upset with the Qunari converting other elves. One of the zealots the Viscount feared? We assume so. Luckily we found the gas and contained it before too much damage was done._

_My biggest concern was the amount of people that were in on this plot to frame the Qunari. It was made to look like they were trying to kill the citizens of Kirkwall by this elf, but she had a lot of help. We had resistance from the carta and several mercenaries before securing the stuff. Just how many are conspiring in the dark corners of the city? That elf also said I had enemies; she was glad I was there so she could kill me. I wish I knew what she was talking about. I know I've upset some people in Kirkwall, but overall I thought I did more good than harm. Apparently not._

_I hate to say it, but I also have to wonder what the Viscounts son has to do with all this, if anything. He says he sees beauty in them, acceptance and assurance and certainty. But all I can see are murderers. I would try to remember that I can't blame their entire race for the actions of one, but they have shown me little reason to believe they are not savages. Saemus says he will happily go to the Maker knowing he hated no one. I'm afraid I can't say the same. Yet another conversation I wish to have with Sebastian...should he ever return._

_When we reported to the Arishok what happened with the stolen gas, he refused to take any blame for their actions. Further, when I mentioned that he had remained in Kirkwall a long time, he got angry. Furious even. If it weren't for Fenris' hand on my back forcing me to remain strong and stand tall, I would have ran in fear. I can't even think of it any further without my heart starting to race in utter panic. I'm glad now I told Fenris everything that happened in my past with their people. I needed him to understand my fear and he does. I just wish they'd go away already, but I have a feeling that is one wish that will not come true without a price._

_In talking to Fenris this morning, I realized that I really miss Carver. I still haven't been to see him...avoiding him and the Gallows completely. I know it's been years and I really should seek him out. Mother says he wants to see me but I'm still not over the circumstances of his recruitment. I wish he would've waited for me to return before making such a decision. I told him then that it was a good idea, if that's what he wanted to do. But over time I can't help but think he only did it to protect me. And if that's the case, he is probably miserable, and doesn't want to really see me anyway. We've had the estate for over a year now and he hasn't come to visit either, so it's not entirely all my fault. Kirkwall has many two-way streets._

_I suppose it's time to wrap up this letter Father. Mother insists on going dress shopping before the markets close. Maker, please don't let her try to fit me in one again. If she doesn't stop talking about marrying me off I am going to scream, I swear it._


	27. Repentance - The Starkhaven Longbow

_Dearest Father,_

_Mother was having another one of her moments this morning, going on about how strange it is to be living in her childhood home. Every time she says how being here makes her feel like an Amell again, I have to remind her of the Hawke name. She's always so quick to forget it, it frightens me Father. She even mentioned considering marriage for a second time. _

_A part of me is furious with the idea. How could she think such a thing? No one can replace you, why would she want to try? She said she'd always love you, but thinks it's time to move on with her life. Maybe she's right. Who am I to hold her back with my thoughts and opinions? Personally I feel like she is betraying you, your memory, but I am not in her shoes. I imagine she's lonely, and if that's the case then maybe I can see the need to move on. It just makes me sad._

_These thoughts led me to the Chantry. I needed to get out of the house, away from her considering the many available nobles in Kirkwall. I had planned to spend some time trying to make peace with the idea, but ended up walking in on a private conversation between the grand cleric and Sebastian. He had returned, and was asking her for forgiveness. She was pretty harsh on him, so I interrupted (though I don't really know why, was it even my place to?)._

_He found out who was behind the murder of his family, and wanted to go after them for some answers. The Harimann's are a prominent family in the city; I was apprehensive at first to even go confront them. But Sebastian asked for my help; he was worried that if he went alone, something may happen to him. Of course I offered my assistance, I agreed this was not something he should do solo. The grand cleric saw it necessary to remind me that attacking a noble family wasn't wise, and if they had done wrong then it was up to the Viscount to punish them. She also begged me to not let Sebastian do anything he may regret. She needn't worry about that - I would never._

_I recruited the help of Fenris and Varric and we went to visit the Harimann estate. Strange goings on there! First we ran into Flora Harimann who was yelling at an empty keg of wine. She didn't even know we were there. Brett Harimann was melting gold to pour over one of the slaves, claiming it would make her beautiful! Lucky we were there in time to stop him. Further investigation led us to find Ruxton Harimann, in a rather compromising position! I'm not sure who had the brighter shade of red on their face between Sebastian and I after walking in on that! The entire house it seemed had gone mad._

_We found some journal entries that began to explain what was going on. It seemed to have all started with an expansion of the estate. Two dozen slaves were brought in to start excavating, digging into the hillside behind the house. As quickly as they began they were ordered to stop by Lady Johain, and within two weeks the family was out of their minds. Flora was the last to succumb to whatever it was, as her entries stopped. _

_Beneath the house we found some ruins, protected by all kinds of foul creatures. We made our way through to find Lady Johain begging a desire demon for more power in order to convince the current prince of Starkhaven to marry her daughter Flora and unite the families. Sebastian had his confrontation, but I'm not certain he got the answers he was looking for. The demon had a lot to say to both of us, and I'm not certain she was entirely wrong._

* * *

Sebastian rested his arms on the rail, looking down upon the first floor of the Chantry. "I had hoped prayer would cleanse me of the desire demon's touch," Sebastian said to Hawke when she came to check on him later that day. "Yet I still hear her voice so clearly. I feel like I've bathed in filth that will never come off."

Hawke stood beside him, confused as to why he was punishing himself. "I see no reason for you to be ashamed," she stated. "You acted honorably and have done no wrong."

Sebastian looked over his shoulder at her. "You were right down there in the ruins, when you told me that Lady Harimann wanted the same as I. The demon knew this too." He turned around to face her. "I used to be jealous of my brother," he admitted. "I wanted to be prince and now I could be, though his body lies in ashes. I wonder, do I want this because it is right? Or because I can finally have what I thought I never could?"

"Listen to your heart Sebastian," Hawke replied with ease. "It's the wisdom not to want power that let's you use it wisely."

Sebastian shook his head. "You didn't feel what that demon stirred in me."

Hawke smiled shyly. "Perhaps you forget who you're talking to. I've had my fair share of demons tempting me, playing with my doubts and fears and trying to use them against me."

Her response took him by surprise, how openly she admitted such a thing. "I suppose you have," Sebastian responded. "How is it then you deal with such things? Temptation, guilt, doubt even?"

"Same as you," Hawke told him. "I count on what I believe, what I _know_ to be right or wrong. And then when you hit a crossroads where you just don't know what to do about something, you have other options. The Maker for one, and if he doesn't answer, friends are just as good," she added with another smile. "We won't always find the answer we're looking for, but a different perspective never hurt anyone."

Sebastian nodded, acknowledging her statement. "It seems I owe you more than I can say Hawke," he told her, feeling a little better about his internal struggle. "I will think on what you have said, and I appreciate you taking the time to listen. You give sound advice; I shall try to follow it."

"Or not," she shrugged. "I don't claim to have any more answers than you do. Maker knows I rarely listen to my own advice. Just ask my mother someday how wrong I can be at times."

He laughed, his blue eyes shining a little brighter that nearly melted her heart where she stood. "I very well may do so." Sebastian lifted his head above them to look out of the window. "It's getting late, might I have the pleasure of escorting you home?"

"While I can still walk on my own two feet?" she joked, referencing the last time he walked her home.

"Indeed it will be easier," Sebastian said with a grin.

Hawke tried not to seem overly eager and nervous, nodding her head in acceptance. "Very well then. Shall we?"

He offered her his arm as they descended the stairs and exited the Chantry. Grand Cleric Elthina watched from where she had stood on the third level for the last few minutes. While she was relieved Sebastian had returned in one piece, concern filled her heart with his new budding friendship.

* * *

When Hawke entered the estate, she was immediately greeted by her mabari Talyn. He ran an excited circle around his master, and then immediately began sniffing Sebastian. Hawke stood back and watched the interaction between the two; Talyn was usually wary of any new stranger but seemed to take to Sebastian with ease.

"I have not seen a mabari in years," he commented. "I have heard that gaining a mabari's loyalty is considered the ultimate proof of character."

Hawke couldn't help the ridiculous smile that seemed permanently stuck on her face in his presence. "That's kind of you to say. It seems he likes you just as much."

Sebastian laughed as Talyn ran between his legs, his stumped tail swiftly moving from side to side. "Then I am honored," he said bowing to the hound who barked in response. "A fine beast indeed."

Bodahn stood in the entranceway to greet Hawke and her guest. "Welcome home messere," he stated. "Might I offer you and your guest anything?"

Hawke introduced Sebastian to Bodahn and then to Sandal when they walked into the living room. "That's very kind of you," Sebastian replied to the dwarf. "But I am afraid I must be getting back before Elthina begins to worry."

Hawke stopped his movements with a soft hand on his arm. "Would you mind waiting a moment? I have something for you."

"For me?" he questioned.

She smiled as she nodded to Bodahn who disappeared into the library. He returned with a large bow that Sebastian recognized immediately as soon as he saw it. "That...that is my grandfather's bow!" He took the weapon and held it in front of him, testing the strength of the string. "And it looks to be in mint condition! Where did you find it?"

The expression on his face was of pure joy, a look Hawke was hoping to see when she gave it to him. "One of the Flint Company mercenaries had it. I brought it to a weapon smith for some repairs, and Sandal added a rune to it for you."

Sebastian ran his finger across the rune, the shock and amazement still gleaming in his eyes. "I can't believe you found it," he whispered. "I had thought of it often, never expecting to see it again."

"I imagine there's a story behind that bow," Hawke stated, wishing to hear him speak some more and delay his exit.

They moved towards the couch and sat down, Sebastian still holding the bow in front of him. "As the youngest son of three," he began, "it was my place to lead Starkhaven's militia. I was never very good with swords, so my grandfather turned me on to bows. 'A wise mans weapon' he would say, with the ability to defend the city without opening the gates."

"Distance is best when in a fight," Hawke agreed.

"It was promised to me by my grandfather when I was a boy of thirteen. He said when I had proven I had the ability to use it he would give it to me." Sebastian's eyes showed a hint of sadness as he continued the story. "I would practice every day to be able to show him, make him proud. But before I got a chance my parents sent me to the Chantry, and I hadn't seen the bow since until today."

Hawke tried to process what he had told her. "Your parents sent you to the Chantry? I thought you had joined willingly?"

Sebastian looked down, slightly embarrassed. "I may have been dedicated in practicing bows every morning, but every other part of the day was spent getting into trouble." He dared to meet her gaze. "I was a wild boy, a shame to my family. If my parents hadn't sent me away...well, besides the trouble I _would_ have caused, I'd probably be dead just as they are. Only sooner."

Hawke felt his sadness and it nearly broke her heart to see the pain in his eyes. "I'm sorry I never got a chance to meet your parents," she had spoken before she thought better of it. "Or to save them."

He gently placed his hand on her knee. "You've done more than enough for them already," Sebastian assured her. "And for me."

She placed her hand on his in an attempt to keep it there as long as possible, but changed the subject into a more positive direction. "I don't suppose there is much need for your archery skills within the Chantry, but should you have need to use that bow, the rune should come in handy."

"Not in the Chantry, no," he agreed. "But perhaps I could offer you my services while I figure out what to do in regards to my role in Starkhaven."

A sly smile crossed her lips. "Sure, I can think of several services I'd like you to perform."

The look of shock in Sebastian's face made Hawke realize she had said what she was thinking out loud. Her cheeks flushed as did his, and she recalled the last time they were in this same position. His hand on her leg, her saying something bordering on flirtatious, and that same expression revealing itself in his face. This time she pulled away instead of him, standing quickly as his hand slipped off her knee.

"I'm sorry Sebastian," she said still flustered. "I have kept you far later than you had planned."

He followed in her gesture, standing as well and making his way to the front door. "I uh...thank you again," he stated, raising the bow a few inches upwards. The man was clearly tongue-tied as Hawke opened the door for him. "We will uh...talk soon. Yes, soon."

She watched his hurried steps as he nearly ran back towards the Chantry. Once she saw him ascending the grand staircase Hawke closed the door to the estate and leaned against it, waiting for her embarrassment to dissipate. _Maker's breath Marian you are such an idiot!_

While Sebastian was clearly embarrassed as well walking up the stairs, he couldn't help the wide grin that curled his lips. He didn't know why he was so amused with her statement, but he knew he'd be doing a lot of praying that night.


	28. An Update - Family Matter

_Dearest Father,_

_I think for the first time since I've met Varric, he was nervous to be around me. I admit it startled me to see him actually sweat when I went to visit him this morning. My reassurances seemed to calm him a bit and he finally admitted that his brother may be back in town. I wasn't aware that Bartrand even owned a home in Hightown, but apparently that's where he was hiding out. Varric's anger clearly ran deep towards his brother. When I asked him how he was holding up, he said he couldn't be better, knowing that Bartrand was within arms reach._

_I wasn't happy either with how the Deep Roads turned out. Had I returned a few days earlier I may have been able to convince Carver that joining the Templars was a bad idea. But I didn't have the same level of anger towards Bartrand because of it that Varric had...the poor man was livid, and so I was very careful in my choice of who I wanted to bring along with us to speak to the dwarf. As much as I have grown to love and care for Varric, I wasn't sure my word alone would calm him should a fight break out between the Tethras brothers. I asked Anders to come along for the extra healing in case Bianca really got twitchy, and I invited Sebastian. His first time assisting us I figured should be something rather simple, and his calming influence may help in the situation._

_How wrong I was about all of it._

_The house seemed abandoned when we got there, and my bright idea to search the house for clues nearly cost us all our lives. Two mages and two archers expecting to intervene on a small family matter turned into the four of us struggling to stay alive as we were relentlessly assaulted by crazed guards. There seemed to be no end to them, and I was kicking myself for not bringing Aveline or Fenris along with us. It took an extreme amount of teamwork to fight our way through room after room of these men who would not (or could not?) stop and listen to reason. Anders and I would pin them with a few ice spells and Sebastian and Varric would finish them off with a downpour of arrows. More than once Sebastian had begged Andraste and the Maker for forgiveness as each of the men fell; I guess he didn't know what he was getting himself into by volunteering to aid us._

_The corpses that weren't of our making started to concern Varric and I. They littered the floor of the estate in several rooms. Their appearance did not show any normal death, and I admit I was apprehensive in going further. But upon reaching the second floor we ran into Hugin, a servant of Bartrands, and what he told us was overwhelming to say the least. Apparently that idol we found in the Deep Roads had caused Bartrand to begin hearing voices. After he sold the idol, the madness took hold. Gruesome accounts of forcing servants and guards to ingest raw lyrium; lethal to mages so I can't imagine what it would do to regular humans. On second thought I do know; we faced dozens of the result in those guards. Hugin confirmed that Bartrand was indeed in the estate, and so we prepared for anything as we entered the last room._

_Anything did not cover the extent of Bartrand's madness. He attacked us, with a strength that was beyond what any normal dwarf was capable of. Trying not to hurt him and instead subdue him, Anders and I managed to restrain him with a few carefully placed glyphs and finally he stopped his assault. He began talking to someone none of us could see or hear, going on about a mistake that he had made. Varric had his confrontation, yelled at his brother for leaving us in the Deep Roads, asking him over and over again why he had done what he did. But Bartrand's mind was not comprehending the words his brother spoke._

_I tried to see if I could sense anything physically wrong with him, but there wasn't. His mind didn't feel right to me, but I saw no way to correct it. Anders followed my lead and he too focused his energy on Bartrand. We both agreed that it didn't feel like any natural spell or illness. Anders said it felt more like the presence of a demon, though with Bartrand being a dwarf that was impossible. He sensed the poison in Bartrand's mind as well, and being the more experienced healer he was able to isolate the corruption for a few minutes so we could speak to him and be understood._

_I have to agree with Varric, it may have been better had we left Bartrand crazy and not listened to his pleas for us to kill him. The strong, stubborn, pain in the neck dwarf we had met years ago was gone. What stood before us was a broken man, begging for the pain to end, his nightmare to be over. It broke my heart Father, and I had to turn away from the both of them. I regret not having the strength to stand by Varric's side in that moment, but all I could think about was Carver, and what it would've been like had I been put in that position to see my brother so fragile and lost._

_I admit I shed a few tears as Varric spoke to his brother behind me, and it wasn't until I felt a hand on my back that I realized Sebastian had joined me. In that moment I was glad I asked him to join us; his silent support was enough for me to snap out of it and return to the brothers. I have little doubt Varric was considering ending Bartrand's misery, the pain in his eyes was clear to us all. But I know he would've regretted that decision in the end, so I convinced him to take a moment and really think about what he was going to do._

_Sebastian surprised us all when he gave us the solution. He told us of a place where Bartrand could go and be cared for by people who were familiar with the effects of lyrium and the madness it can bring. I know he was trying to protect me when he didn't elaborate, but I already knew the place he was speaking of. Bartrand would go to Val Royeaux, to live among the retired templars whose minds had deteriorated due to long-term lyrium dependency. One day Carver will join him there, and that is the day I fear the most._

* * *

"Are you alright?" Anders asked Hawke as they walked to the Hanged Man for a much needed drink.

She nodded at first, not wishing to discuss the thoughts running through her mind. But when she turned to look at him, the concern in his eyes caused Hawke to let down her guard. "I miss Carver," she admitted silently.

"You still haven't been to see him have you?" Anders asked, though he knew the answer.

Hawke sighed, reluctantly admitting the truth. "No. I know I should it's just..."

Anders put his arm through hers. "When you're ready, you will," he told her without judgment. "I'll even go with you, if you want."

Her mouth opened in surprise. "You'd willingly go to the Gallows?" she asked.

"Of course I would," Anders replied, softer and with a touch more caring than Hawke would've liked. Though she had made it clear to him that theirs was a strictly platonic relationship, it seemed he still held a torch for her.

"You're a great friend Anders," she reiterated, nearly stressing the world 'friend' in the statement. "Thank you."

To the rear of them, Sebastian and Varric were having a very similar conversation about family. "It may be difficult to see now," Sebastian began, "but you must forgive your brother."

Varric scoffed at the taller man beside him. "While you were off playing prince, Bartrand trapped us in the Deep Roads and left us to die."

"When you hold on to anger, it colors everything you do," Sebastian countered, ignoring the slight insult. "You escaped the Deep Roads, did you not? From what I see, you built a life without your brother. Do you still want him haunting you?"

The dwarf considered several replies, none of them particularly nice or appropriate after what Sebastian had just done for his brother. Withholding what would have been a rude answer, instead Varric sighed. "You may be right Choirboy. I spent a long time being mad at my brother, but what good would it do? He's so far out there now he doesn't even recognize his actions."

"Tis true. And wise of you to notice," the prince offered. As they walked behind the mages, Sebastian couldn't help but notice Anders and Hawke walking with arms linked at the elbows, much like he had witnessed the night they were fighting street gangs three years ago. "Tell me something Varric. Anders and Hawke..."

"Aren't what you think," Varric informed him. "Though Blondie still holds out hope." He glanced up at Sebastian curiously. "Why?"

Sebastian shrugged. "No reason really, just trying to learn about Hawke and her companions so I don't fumble future endeavors."

Varric wasn't buying that excuse, but allowed Sebastian to live in his denial. For now.


	29. Mirror Image - Back From Sundermount

"I've got something to show you," Merrill said apprehensively when Hawke stopped by for a visit. It had been a few days since they had seen each other, and Varric warned Hawke that Merrill may be needing a friend. Lately the elf insisted on being by herself Varric had said, so when Merrill appeared excited to see Hawke, it was a welcomed surprise.

Hawke followed Merrill into her bedroom, or rather the smaller of the two rooms in the Dalish elf's hovel. The alienage wasn't far from Gamlens, and the layout of the homes was very similar. In the corner of the room stood a large floor to ceiling mirror, though broken and cracked. Bordered in gold with what appeared to be tree roots circling the base, Hawke found it beautiful, even if a bit pointless. "It doesn't exactly reflect the room Merrill," Hawke stated. "And how in the Maker's name did you get something this large in here?"

"Oh, I had some help," Merrill explained. "There were these nice men that offered to help me for free even! Wasn't that nice of them?"

"Free?" Hawke sighed. "What did these men look like Merrill?"

"They were dressed in leather; all matching too which I thought was so cute," Merrill replied as she looked into the cracked glass.

Hawke looked down at Varric who had accompanied her. "Coterie or Carta?"

"I'll find out," Varric replied. "Neither group is in the business of doing anything for free," he whispered the afterthought so Merrill couldn't hear him.

"Every city used to have one of these," Merrill started explaining, oblivious to the concern of her friends behind her. "Long ago when the elves had an empire that covered Thedas. They would use it as a way to communicate across great distances. This is a piece of our history, one long forgotten by my people. The Keeper disagrees, says it was lost by the ancestors for a reason."

Hawke finally understood. "This is the reason you left the clan."

Merrill nodded, not meeting Hawke's gaze. "I have been trying to restore the mirror. Some of the shards were corrupted though. I needed the assistance of a...spirit...to help me."

"Which is what introduced you to blood magic," Hawke concluded.

"It required a stronger magic than I have," Merrill answered with a nod. "The Keeper refused to aid me, and I had no access to lyrium at the camp, so I used what was available to me."

"A demon," Hawke stated.

"A spirit," Merrill corrected her. "With his help I was able to purify the glass but it still won't work. I think I know what I need, but it will be difficult to get my hands on."

Hawke felt Varric nudge her in the back. This must be the reason Varric really wanted her to visit Merrill. The elf needed something, and Varric wanted her to help. "What is it you need Merrill?"

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I don't know if what I did today was right. Merrill said I was the first real friend she had ever had, just because I supported her in her cause to restore some ancient mirror from her people's past. Am I a friend to encourage someone who dabbles in blood magic and makes deals with demons? It goes against everything I believe in, everything you taught me, and yet I couldn't deny her._

_Merrill's entire clan is against her for what she is attempting to do. Why do I not agree with them? Why did I not convince her that what she is doing is wrong? Surely the Dalish know more about this mirror than I do, and some of them are even afraid of Merrill because of what she is doing. One of her own people ran from the sight of her straight into a Varterral! Why in the Maker's name am I helping her?_

_Merrill reminded me that we aren't as different as I like to think we are. That I know what it's like to lose everything, just as she has. This was a choice she made though...I didn't choose to lose you, or both of my siblings, or my home in Ferelden. But this was for something she believes in, something that she knows will help her clan in the end even if they don't agree. She was so passionate in her pleas, so determined and yet so alone in wanting to help them not forget their past or where they came from. If she manages to achieve what she believes she can achieve, it could open up a whole new world for the Dalish again. _

_I admit I know very little about Dalish history, but enough to know that they were once the dominant race in Thedas until the Tevinter Imperium dragged the elves into slavery. Forced into hiding they had given up on much of their history and traditions for the sake of survival. Perhaps it is my duty as a human, and especially a mage, to help restore that past in any way I can. I don't know...it just felt like the right thing to do. I hope supporting her in this is a wise choice. I have no doubt some of my companions would not see it this way, but it's a decision that has already been made._

_Speaking of decisions, I'll be going to the Gallows tomorrow. I know I said I was going to avoid it for as long as possible, but something happened at Sundermount today that I can not ignore. A group of templars showed up and demanded the Dalish hand over Feynriel, the boy that was dreaming of demons. The hunters said one of the templars tortured and killed a clan member trying to get information. When we arrived the hunters and the templars were about to engage in a full out war over the incident. Luckily I managed to convince the templars to back down, but I don't know for how long that will last._

_Very few people knew that Feynriel had gone to the Dalish. Which means someone had to have ordered the templars to go to Sundermount; allowed them to use whatever force was necessary to capture him. I don't know who that someone is, but I'm going to find out. _

_I wonder if Knight-Captain Cullen will be happy to see me after all of these years. I still haven't thanked him for taking my brother away. I hope Carver is there as well. Yes Father, tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day indeed. _


	30. Non-Quest: Frightening Thoughts

"I appreciate you coming with me Sebastian," Hawke said to him as the small craft pulled into the landing at the Gallows.

Sebastian nodded, exiting the boat first and then extending his hand to aid her. "Are you sure you still wish to do this Hawke? We can go back if you'd like."

She gave him a bright yet uneasy smile. "We both know I've put this off for far too long. Besides, you said you wanted to check on the mages from Starkhaven didn't you?"

"Indeed. I think some of these templars escaped the fire as well," Sebastian informed her as they walked up the staircase. "I wanted to speak to them if they would allow it, find out what really happened."

They reached the top of the stairs and Hawke spotted Cullen in the distance. Sebastian rested his hand on the small of her back. "Shall I go with you? I can talk to the mages later."

Hawke shook her head, eyes locking with Cullen's when he looked in their direction. His expression did not give away what he was thinking, so Hawke kept hers neutral as well. "I'll be fine," she said looking up at Sebastian. "How bad can it be?"

Sebastian walked with her halfway across the courtyard of the Gallows before breaking away from her when he saw Grace. Cullen kept his eye on her as she moved toward him, correcting his posture yet softening his demeanor. "Hawke," he greeted her. "I hear congratulations are in order with the Amell name being restored."

"I'll be sure to pass them along to my mother," Hawke responded with a grin. "She's the Amell of the family. I'll stick with Hawke."

Cullen nodded in understanding but then looked upon her with remorse. "Hawke, if you're here to see your brother, I'm afraid he's out in the field today training."

She had in fact hoped to see Carver while she was there, but didn't want Cullen to see her disappointment. "Actually I was coming to see you. There was an incident at Sundermount I wanted to speak with you about involving some of the templars."

"Oh? What about?"

Hawke shifted her weight on her heels, suddenly feeling uneasy about confronting him on the matter. She briefly scanned the area to make sure no one was within earshot before she continued. "A few years ago I was approached by a templar to help a woman named Arianni and her son Feynriel," she began, now glancing up at him to see his reaction.

"I was made aware of the boys special talents," Cullen filled her in. "I also know which templar you speak of. The boy was sent to live with the Dalish wasn't he?"

"He was. A few days ago a group of templars I didn't recognize were antagonizing the elves, even tortured and killed one in their demands that Feynriel be handed over to them." When she saw how shocked Cullen was over the news, she continued. "I managed to talk the templars out of further bloodshed, but I fear it won't be the last time they go looking for Feynriel."

"I assure you Hawke those templars were not acting under any orders of mine," Cullen stated. "We have no authority to go starting a war with the Dalish."

Hawke scoffed. "Tell that to woman templar we ran into. I don't know who she is; never saw her before. But she seemed insistent that she was doing the work of the Knight-Commander."

"I thank you for bringing this to my attention Hawke," Cullen said. "I will look into the matter immediately."

Hawke crossed her arms over her chest. "What are the chances of me meeting Meredith? I keep hearing about her, and I admit my curiosity is getting the best of me."

For the first time since they began talking it was Cullen who looked away from Hawke. "I'm afraid she's become more reclusive since you came to Kirkwall Hawke, these last three years especially. She's become very suspicious of outside influence, and I can't say I blame her after what happened with Tarohne and Keran." He redirected his attention to her. "But if you say she is involved in this incident with the Dalish, perhaps I should keep a closer eye on the goings on around here."

Hawke agreed silently with a nod, wanting to say more but deciding that this was a good time to end the conversation. Although Cullen seemed genuinely concerned about what was happening she still had a hard time trusting him after what happened with Carver. It was hard to forget she had trusted this man to watch over her brother while she was gone only to discover he had assisted Carver in joining the Order.

"I appreciate your help with this Cullen," she said with sincerity. "I should probably go."

"Yes," he agreed more quickly than he had meant to. He knew she was still upset with him but vowed to himself to do whatever he could to assist her. He figured she'd probably never forgive him for recruiting Carver, but he was elated that Hawke was at the very least speaking with him again. He wasn't sure why it mattered to him, but for some reason it just did. As she walked away from him and stood beside Sebastian, Cullen tried to ignore the jealous feelings that crept up on him.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I wasn't sure what to expect when I went to the Gallows. To see my brother there and have him run to me, arms wide open, and embrace me like he missed me? Nothing that extreme but I had hoped to have at least see him, be able to talk to him. Cullen said he was out training and that it wasn't possible today. Maybe it's for the best...I still don't know what I'd say to him._

_I talked to Cullen a bit. It was awkward at first, knowing the last time we saw each other I wasn't the nicest person in Thedas. But he made me feel at ease by keeping things neutral and I guess I should thank the Maker for that. I asked him if he knew anything about the templars going after the Dalish and he said he didn't. Seems the knight-commander around here may be doing things he isn't aware of. Not that I really care one way or the other, but I hope Cullen doesn't go too far in looking into it. Okay so maybe I do care...but I'll only ever admit that to you._

_After talking to Cullen I lingered in the Gallows a bit while waiting for Sebastian to finish talking to Grace and the other mages from Starkhaven. It seems there are a lot more tranquil mages than I remember from a few years ago. There was a man Jacob who was speaking to a woman named Helena. It appeared they had been in some secret relationship but Helena was made tranquil. He professed his love to her and her response was, "I am Sir Alriks now." _

_Father the more I listened to the goings on in the Gallows the more Alrik's name came up. Another tranquil was wandering around saying that Alrik had rescued her from her sins. More than one said they belonged to Alrik. Others say that Alrik can bring peace to an otherwise troubled mind. These mages are more than tranquil...they've been brainwashed to believe this Alrik is a savior! _

_Grace told Sebastian that all mages have been stripped of their staffs and grimoires. Mages are being executed for trying to escape instead of punished. Alain has heard rumors that Meredith is crazy and hears voices. Thrask says there's so much fighting and disagreements within the templars that no one really knows who's doing what anymore. It's frightening to think that all this is happening in the city. At any moment I could be one of those mages..._

_I think I've put off talking to Anders about this long enough. I know he has some strong opinions on the matter and I've brushed it off as paranoia. But after seeing what I've seen today...Father for the first time I am afraid to be a mage in Kirkwall. I don't want to be made tranquil, I don't want to subject myself to whatever it is Alrik is doing to these mages. And if Meredith is supporting him...Merrill, Anders and I are in danger. Even with Cullen and Thrask and even Carver protecting us for now, how long until we're next on the list?_

_Anders will know what to do. Hopefully he isn't mad I didn't take him with me to the Gallows. I know he offered, but now I'm glad I took Sebastian instead. It gave Sebastian a chance to see what's really going on and hear it from his own people. After seeing and hearing all the tranquil, I doubt Anders' friend Justice would've kept quiet. Maybe I should bring some backup when I go talk to Anders...he's going to be quite upset. Of course I don't blame him; I'm upset as well. Wish you were here Father, as always._


	31. Visit Anders - Dissent

_Dearest Father, _

_I went to see Anders like I had planned. I couldn't get the image of all those tranquil in the Gallows out of my head, and I just knew I had to speak with him about it. I'm glad I went, because he knew exactly what I was talking about. In fact he knew even more._

_First he told me that the templars were in Darktown the other night, checking the refugee camps for apostates. He's concerned that they will eventually come for him, being that the clinic isn't exactly a secret in Kirkwall. That got me wondering why they haven't already come for Anders, but I didn't want to tell him of my concern; he seemed worried enough. Between the curfews and the raids on mages families lately, he's been hiding in his clinic afraid to go out._

_I was concerned about Justice, and asked Anders how he's handling everything. Anders said his anger mixed with the emotions Justice feels from the fade may finally be having negative effects on him. He's trying to counter that negativity by helping the mages as best he can, but he's afraid he may not be able to control his actions when it comes to Justice. I promised to keep an eye on him, but little did I know my promise would be tested sooner rather than later._

_Anders had noticed the tranquil too. He said every single day there are more and more mages turned, some of them he knew and also knew they had passed their Harrowing. I might not have gone through the Harrowing, but you taught me enough to know that it's illegal for the templars to do such a thing. Yet Anders says there's a plan to turn every mage in Kirkwall tranquil within the next three years. _

_I know Cullen and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye lately, but I find it hard to believe he's involved in such a thing. Or Thrask, or even Carver! To think all the templars are aware of this plan...Father I couldn't believe it, even as Anders continued to give me the details. I know they aren't all heartless, I've seen it for myself. But try explaining that to Anders. The death of his friend Karl still weighs heavily on his heart, and he told me the templar that had made him tranquil was Alrik._

_That name scares me. After hearing all the tranquil wandering the Gallows saying they belong to Alrik now...just who is this man? Anders wasn't willing to tell me all the details, especially with Aveline and Sebastian by my side. I brought Sebastian with me to try and open his eyes to what us mages are dealing with, and Aveline needs to see for herself what is happening within her city. She may be Captain of the guard, but she seems to turn a blind eye to the mage templar situation._

_Anders did let us know a little bit more about Alrik though. About how he's been experimenting on mages, seeing how far he needs to push them before they fall to demons and blood magic. Then he uses that excuse to make them tranquil, and he's justified in the eyes of the knight-commander. Maybe I'm foolish for still believing there are good templars, but I try to remember everything you've taught me and what I've seen with my own eyes since being here. I told Anders we need proof of what Alrik is doing, and then we'll bring that evidence to the Grand Cleric and to Meredith if we have to. _

_I was surprised and also a little proud that Sebastian and Aveline agreed to join us in searching for this proof. I think Sebastian was really only going to protect me, which is sweet of course. Aveline said if this is really happening then she needs to know about it, and will help us get access to Meredith to let her know what some of her templars are doing. I can only hope for the best outcome: we find Alrik and put a stop to it, open up the eyes of the templars and the Chantry, and save future mages from being wrongly made tranquil._

* * *

"Anders," Hawke said his name calmly as he was busy ransacking one of his trunks. "It's clear you're upset, but please. We need to talk about this."

"'Upset' doesn't begin to cover it," Anders replied without turning to look at her. "You were the only thing that kept me from murdering an innocent girl. It's all gone wrong...Justice and I..." he trailed off, choked up on his own obvious tears.

Hawke moved closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Anders," she called to him again, but he barely recognized she was there.

"I'm just a monster," he whispered. "An abomination."

She knelt down beside him to draw his attention. "The Anders I know wouldn't just give up like this, let the templars win."

"Maybe they deserve to win," he replied. "They're right you know. How can I fight for the freedom of mages when I am an example of the worst that freedom brings?"

Hawke took his hand in hers. "Mages are dangerous, you and I both know this, and know that is why this has been so hard. But why not make yourself the proof that mages can control their powers? Your struggle is greater than most I agree, but just like you'd tell any other mage, you have to believe in yourself."

Anders turned to finally look at her. "I don't know how," he admitted. "How can I even trust myself to heal anymore? What if that...creature of vengeance turns on a patient? Will he...will I...resist? It's too much, I can't risk it."

She held back her own tears at seeing the pain in his eyes. "Do you remember a conversation we had once on the steps outside my uncle's place? Right after we found out that Thrask's daughter turned to blood magic?"

Of course he did. Anders remembered every moment he spent with her, though he wasn't quick to admit it. She had made it perfectly clear that they were only friends, something he still struggled to accept. But he'd rather have her friendship than nothing at all, so he kept his feelings from her. "You thought that you might one day be that weak."

"That's right," she smiled. "And you told me the reason I never would was because I was strong. That I had a good heart, and have done nothing but help people since I'd come to Kirkwall. Anders, do you not realize that you are also strong? That you too have a kind and generous heart? You run this clinic and help people without asking for coin or anything in return. You're helping innocent apostates live freely in the city and helping those in danger escape the Gallows. You need to believe in yourself, believe that you can control this spirit inside you. You need to believe it because I believe it."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I am thankful for the quiet in the estate tonight. Mother is out, which I thank the Maker for, because she did not need to see me in the condition I returned home in. Finding the proof of this Tranquil Solution Anders spoke about was much more intense than I thought it would be. I suppose I didn't really realize what to expect. The unrealistic world I live in sometimes in my head made me think Alrik would be reasonable and just admit to what he was doing. How very wrong I was._

_Anders took us to an underground tunnel that led to the Gallows. I was surprised he had no problem letting Sebastian and Aveline know where it was or even that I had asked them to come along. He agreed with my thinking that they both should see for themselves what is happening to the mages in Kirkwall. Immediately we ran into resistance in the tunnels; lyrium smugglers. Anders said it was they who originally built the tunnels in order to service the templars and their addictions. I guess some of them require more than the usual amount of lyrium issued by the Chantry?_

_It wasn't long before we heard the screams of a woman. Following the noise we came upon a group of templars surrounding a very frightened mage. She was begging the templars not to hurt her, saying how she only wanted to see her mom. My heart broke for her Father...she was so scared, so innocent in her request. But the lead templar wasn't taking any pity on the girl, and immediately threatened her. She was on her knees Father, begging this man not to make her tranquil. _

_His voice...oh Father his voice sent a chill through my body. The way he gleefully stated that once she was tranquil she'd do anything he asked. I was horrified. I felt her fear, felt it as my very own, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to kill that man. I confronted him, foolishly perhaps, but my own anger drove me to it. Now that I think about it, I wonder if Justice coming to the surface within Anders was fueling that anger. I felt the energy from the fade, I knew Anders was losing control, and a sense of vengeance flooded me as well._

_Before the templar, Alrik in case you didn't guess, could answer me, Justice did indeed surface. There was no more discussion. I fought as hard as Justice did. I wanted these templars dead. I needed them to die. It was nearly impossible for me to resist the hate I felt inside as we killed templar after templar, and then finally Alrik. I can almost see now why Anders has such a hard time of it; just being near him with that negative energy from the fade...Father I feared myself._

_The fight had ended, but Justice hadn't disappeared. I tried to speak to him, used Anders' name and tried to make him see that all the templars were dead and he could calm down now. But the anger inside Anders seemed to only fuel Justice, and I admit I had to take a step back under the intense fluorescent glow of his eyes. Sebastian moved to stand between us to protect me, but Justice's attention was called elsewhere when the mage girl we had just saved called Justice a demon._

_He almost did it Father. Justice almost killed her. I don't know how I managed to reach Anders but somehow I did, and he struggled to regain control before Justice could do it. I tried to help, to intervene, but it felt as if Justice was channeling all of the power of the fade and I couldn't use any magic. Aveline and Sebastian tried to help as well, but the glow from Justice was so bright it had blinded them momentarily. In the end, only Anders could've saved her, and he did._

_Ashamed of his actions, Anders fled before we searched Alrik's corpse. We found a letter that Alrik had written to Divine Justinia in response to her and Meredith rejecting his proposal for the Tranquil Solution. In it was mention of his original plan: all mages must be made tranquil in order to co-exist peacefully and retain their usefulness. He felt this was the best way to ensure mages obey the laws of men and the Maker. His reasoning for this was the amount of mages that couldn't be contained and the fact that mages had found a way to plant abominations within the templar ranks._

_I knew the actions of Tarohne wouldn't just go away quietly. Ever since the incident with Keran and the templar recruits things have become a bit tighter in the Gallows. That I can understand, but Alrik took this to an entirely new level with this plan of his. Thankfully Meredith and the Divine Herself didn't agree with him._

_I told Sebastian and Aveline to meet me here tomorrow so we can go to Elthina and Cullen and ask them about where they stand on Alrik's plan. Mostly I just wanted to get rid of them so I could go check on Anders. He was a mess when I found him, planning to leave Kirkwall never to return in fear of what Justice may do next. I think I convinced him to stay, and once I showed him Alrik's letter he seemed hopeful that maybe there was a possibility for change. I invited him to come along tomorrow as well. I'm hoping that he hears what he needs to hear from them and maybe then he'd feel more comfortable getting their assistance with Justice._

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Sebastian asked Hawke when he entered the estate. He was the first of the three to arrive, and took the opportunity to address his concerns with her.

"What do you fear more Sebastian?" she asked out of curiosity. "My confronting the Grand Cleric or Cullen?"

"Both," he stated. "You intend on not only admitting to the both of them that you killed Alrik, but that you have proof there's a sinister plot to make all mages tranquil, a fact that is clearly the work of one mad templar and no one else."

"That we know of," Hawke said. "It takes more than one templar to make a mage tranquil, and there were others with Alrik in those tunnels. I know you and I see differently when it comes to mages Sebastian; I've heard your comments when you speak to the others and think I'm not listening."

"Being a brother in the Chantry has made me believe the words of the prophet Andraste, this is true," Sebastian said. "But being in your company has also shown me that it is possible to be a mage, a good mage, outside of the walls of the Circle."

Hawke smiled at the compliment, but it was only briefly as she thought about the several conversations they had yet to have on the subject. "I thought maybe you'd be more concerned that Elthina will think less of you for accompanying me," she admitted. "I know how much her opinion means to you."

"Aye, it does," Sebastian admitted. "But you mean something to me too Hawke, a fact that has my heart torn in two."

This sudden admission from the man she had thought about constantly over the years caused her to take a step back, unable to fight the shocked expression she knew was on her face. Did he just admit to...caring for her? In more than a friendship kind of way? Or was she being foolish and reading into it...

Before she could inquire further, Aveline arrived with Anders, and the conversation was promptly ended as he turned to greet the others. Anders approached her, seeing the clear shock on her face still, and became concerned. "Marian? Are you alright?"

It took her a minute to realize Anders was even there, or that he and Aveline had arrived. She shook her head to clear her mind and smiled at him. "I'm fine," she said. "Are you ready to do this?"

Anders tried to manage a grin as he shrugged. "I don't know. Only one way to learn the truth though right?"

Hawke nodded. "Exactly. Let's go."

Their first visit was to Elthina. She was more concerned about Alrik's murder than the papers Hawke had shown her. Hawke couldn't believe, or didn't want to believe, that Elthina may have agreed with Alrik's plan. Even Anders spoke up, reiterating the point that Alrik was trying to turn every mage in Kirkwall tranquil.

"Ser Alrik made a suggestion, yes," Elthina admitted to knowing about the plan. "But we turned him down."

Something in the way she had said those words didn't make it quite believable. Surprisingly, before Hawke or Anders could comment on it, Aveline spoke up. "But you don't condemn the practice outright," she stated to the Grand Cleric.

Elthina sighed. "The Right of Tranquility has always been a last resort. It has saved lives, but it is not without its costs." She looked directly at Hawke, and then Anders behind her, finally settling her gaze upon Sebastian who had remained silent. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have nothing more to say on the matter."

"Well, that was helpful," Anders said sarcastically after Elthina had left them alone. "Clearly she knew about it, and am I the only one that sensed a bit of dishonesty?"

"Careful Anders," Sebastian warned. "You are still in the house of the Maker, throwing out accusations about one of His most loyal subjects."

Aveline spoke up yet again. "Even you have to admit Sebastian that she wasn't exactly forthcoming in her opinion. I don't think she aided Alrik in what he was doing, but I don't think she did anything to prevent it either."

"Sebastian has a point," Hawke interrupted before the conversation got out of hand. "Perhaps this discussion is best for outside these walls. Let's go see what Cullen has to say."

The bickering behind her on the way to the Gallows was nearly driving Hawke mad. For once Aveline and Anders had sided together and Sebastian was struggling to defend the Chantry and Elthina's actions, or lack of action. Hawke remained out of the banter for a time, not wishing to completely gang up on Sebastian. Silently she agreed with Anders and Aveline; it was very clear Elthina wouldn't care one way or the other if all mages were made tranquil. Which only reinforced her suspicion that the Grand Cleric did not approve of Sebastian having anything to do with her.

By the time they reached the Gallows, Cullen had become the unfortunate target of Hawke's anger and frustration. Before he could even say hello, Hawke began the accusations. "Your Ser Alrik was working on a plan to turn all mages tranquil," she stated while handing him the letter they had found.

Cullen narrowed his eyes at her. "I will not ask how you came by the personal effects of a man recently discovered murdered within our own walls," he replied. "It's true there has been some discussion of the idea but as you can see it has gone no further than that."

"You expect us to believe that?" Anders asked.

Sebastian continued his previous argument in reply to Anders. "Contrary to your belief not everyone is out to persecute mages."

"The Harrowing has served us well enough for centuries," Cullen stated calmly, trying to convince Hawke and Anders. "It will be up to the mages themselves whether or not they push us to more stringent measures."

Hawke felt her heart grow heavy with the words he had just spoken. "It sounds like you support this then," she whispered, unable to believe what she was hearing. Although she and Cullen had certainly had their disagreements in the past, she never considered the possibility he would allow such a thing to happen.

"The tranquil ritual was created as a mercy so that mages not be killed out of hand for a threat they might pose," Cullen informed her. "There is an argument to be made for applying it more widely."

Anders turned to Hawke, clearly upset. "Are you going to listen to this? He's no better than Ser Alrik!"

Cullen became defensive at Anders' words. "Do you think it's easy to contain a mage that truly wants to deal with demons?" he asked Anders. "We've done our best. But many mages have made it clear they view the ritual as no better than death."

"How nice for you that you can have that opinion," Hawke answered him. "And that you are free to express it without fear of having your emotions ripped from you by a sunburst branded on your forehead." She turned to Anders and he saw her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. It was clear she was wrong about all of it. Elthina, Cullen, even Sebastian believed that Alrik wasn't entirely wrong in his thinking. "I suggest we leave Anders, before they find our wanting to live in peace offensive."

"Hawke, wait!" Sebastian called to her, but she ignored him. Aveline held him back, allowing Hawke the space she clearly needed.

Anders put his arm around her shoulders as they walked away, and once they stepped on to the boat and were away from the Gallows, Hawke allowed the tears to finally fall.


	32. Consoling Words - Offered and Lost

Hawke couldn't believe her eyes when Bodahn told her two letters had arrived for her that day. One was from Macha, Keran's brother, thanking her for defending him before Ser Cullen. Given her recent interaction with Cullen, Hawke was happy to hear about a time when he was a little more reasonable and forgiving. It seemed like a lifetime ago after knowing what she knew now, that he wasn't entirely against making mages tranquil for the sake of keeping the peace.

Macha's letter fell to the floor though when she noticed the second one, and immediately recognized the handwriting. Carver had written, and not to Mother like he always did, but to her. She settled down in the chair next to the writing desk and read his words several times.

_Dearest Marian,_

_How are you? I hope you and Mother are doing well. Things are good here. I've found my place among the templars. It's nice to have purpose, to be part of something bigger than myself... and you! All right, all right, I'll stop being a pain in the ass._

_It's not a perfect job, though. I don't really like what we do to the mages, but do we have a choice? It keeps everyone safe, and it's better than the alternative. Many mages understand that we're trying to help, even if our methods could use improvement._

_Unfortunately, there are extreme elements within the Order. Some argue for a permanent solution and have ideas I hope never take root. Makes me glad you and Bethany never had to live in a place like this._

_I'll wrap this up. Duty calls. Send my love to Mother._

_Your brother,_  
_Carver_

She hated how short it was, but Hawke cherished the first bit of contact she had from Carver since the last time she'd seen him. She wondered if Cullen had told him she came to see him? Perhaps it was his way of trying to make amends. Either way it didn't matter...she finally had words from her brother and he was safe. The mention of permanent solutions and extreme elements worried her, but she suspected he was mentioning what she was already aware of, Alrik's plan, which hopefully was a non-issue at this point.

Bodahn announced that Merrill had come to visit, and the elf met Hawke in the living room. "Oh, I'm sorry if I interrupted," the nervous mage said when she saw Hawke still seated, holding the letter.

"It's alright Merrill," Hawke said. "Got a letter from Carver today," she said with a smile.

"Oh, you've heard from your brother?" Merrill sat in the chair beside her. "Is he happy? With the templars I mean?"

Hawke gave her a curious glance. Merrill had never been one to ask about her family before. "Why trouble yourself over him?" she asked.

"I know how hard it is to give up everything and live amongst strangers," Merrill admitted. "I worry about him, and not just for his sake."

Hawke nodded. "This is the first I've heard from him. I worry too."

"Do you think he still resents you then?" Merrill asked. "I know he was angry when he left, but I hope you realize this wasn't your fault. One day he'll understand you were trying to protect him."

"Maybe with time he'll forgive me," Hawke whispered, staring down at his words again.

Merrill patted Hawke's knee. "Your brother loves you. He just doesn't show it very well. Things will be alright, somehow."

"Thank you Merrill," Hawke said, appreciating the kind words. "I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about my brother though. Everything okay with you?"

"Oh!" Merrill exclaimed, as if she just remembered herself why she was there. "Aveline was looking for you at the Hanged Man. Said you should go see Seneschal Bran when you have a moment. Something about the Qunari."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_Today I confess to you the horrendous actions that I have committed. I don't know how or why it came to be, but I lost my way. There is no excuse I can think of, nothing said or done to make me do such a thing, but Father I have now idea how I have come to such a dark place within myself._

_The day started out normal enough. Well, maybe not normal. I got a letter from Carver finally. He seems well if a little sad. I was so happy though that he had at least written, and didn't send some offhanded hello through a letter to Mother. I've read it a dozen times, wishing he were here. Maybe if he hadn't run off to join the templars he could've stopped me._

_I received word that the Seneschal wished to speak with me about some missing Qunari delegate. They were taken from the steps of the Viscounts Keep by an overzealous templar who believed they were nothing but filth and a danger to Kirkwall. I agreed with him Father. I didn't mind hearing that they had been taken, and cared even less when we found out Sister Petrice, I'm sorry, Mother Petrice now, was aware of their kidnapping. _

_I went to confront her, thankful Sebastian wasn't at the Chantry when I did. I wasn't ready to see him. My heart is still heavy from the last time I saw him, when he and Cullen were both agreeing that mages were a danger to themselves and others. Sometimes I wonder if the differences between us are worth struggling with my feelings for him. It would've been much simpler to fall in love with Anders. But I digress._

_Petrice wasn't aware that her former bodyguard, Ser Varnell, was doing these things under the pretense that he had the Grand Cleric's permission. She gave him up quite easily then, seemingly more upset that it would've come back on her if word of Varnell's actions got to Elthina. I don't know why I agreed to help her in the first place, but I did, and followed her directions to where Varnell was holding the Qunari._

_We confronted Varnell. I knew the Seneschal's position on the Qunari, and Petrice, even Cullen said that they were heathens and the templars were prepared to defend the city against them. If no one in Kirkwall wants them here, why has it taken so long for any of them to do something about it? Varnell and Petrice may have gone about things the wrong way, but they had a point. How much longer were the Qunari supposed to be allowed to stay here, plotting and waiting for whatever it is they are here to do?_

_I wish Carver were with me today. I wish Aveline had stayed with us when we went to see Varnell. She bailed before we confronted Petrice, not wishing to get mixed up in confronting Elthina and starting a potential war of her own between the guard and Chantry. So I had Merrill, Fenris, and Isabela. None of them stopped me from making what was probably the biggest mistake of my life thus far._

_Fanatics. Zealots. All fueled with hatred for the Qunari. Varnell in charge of them all. And I fed off their hatred. Instead of stopping him from taking the lives of those Qunari, I encouraged him. Told him to do so swiftly and he did. Vernell slit their throats, the blood covering him after the deed, and I just stood there. _

_In a matter of seconds the fanatics were attacking us, Varnell assuming I was playing some game with him when I was trying to prove to him that I was on his side. My friends sprung into action, defending me from the onslaught, but all I could do was look at the bodies of the fallen Qunari. The battle continued around me and I didn't even hear it. I had wanted them dead and dead they were. It wasn't until Fenris called out for healing that I snapped out of whatever trance I was in and helped them with the fight._

_I sent Isabela to retrieve the Viscount, to see what he suggested we do to fix this mess that I allowed to happen. He stood over the bodies, as shocked and in as much disbelief as I was, but for different reasons. He was at least satisfied with the knowledge that the group of fanatics were dead along with Varnell. We decided to burn the corpses, try to hide the torture the Qunari had endured by Varnell's hand. I'm sure that won't fool the Arishok, but I didn't know what else to do. My so-called friends had suddenly lost their tongues and said nothing to assist us._

_Maker, what do they think of me right now?_

_As much as I did not want to see Sebastian, I ran back to the Chantry, praying he was there and could help me. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, confess this horrible sin I'd committed. But he still wasn't there. Petrice was, nearly congratulating me for my part in her and Varnell's plan. I was so disgusted with her, with myself, I marched right up to Elthina and was prepared to tell her everything that had happened._

_When I asked her about the Chantry's stance on the Qunari, she remained as neutral as she always is. If the Qunari attack, the templars will defend. Until that day she will do nothing but wait. She had the nerve to tell me not to trouble myself. That she'd step in when it was time. It almost sounded as though she knew all along what was happening with her own people. Why did that surprise me, especially after she knew everything about Alrik and what happened with him and the Tranquil Solution? This woman is nearly as corrupt as those that follow her._

_But who am I to speak about corruption? My own hatred has corrupted me, caused me to do the unthinkable. You and Mother raised me to care about life, no matter what, and yet I was happy to see the Qunari fall. Each time I am presented with the opportunity, I can not see beyond the past and what their kind has done. If I can stand by and watch something like this, who can say whether or not I would be able to resist a demon or resorting to blood magic?_

_Oh Father, where are you? Where are you when I truly need you? I have never felt so lost and alone, and this letter to you has brought me little comfort. I know I must find a way to figure this out, find out why I can not control this anger and hate that dwells inside me. I just don't know how.  
_


	33. Calling on the Captain - The Long Road

_Dearest Father,_

_It's been some time since I talked to you about Aveline. She's been so busy in her new position as Captain that she rarely joins us on any of our missions. Besides the other day when she started off helping with the Qunari, she's been swamped with paperwork and jumping through hoops for the Seneschal. It was nice to catch up with her again this morning, even if she accused me of being the cause of some of her problems._

_She claims the fortune I brought back from the Deep Roads has caused some issues in Hightown. I suppose it could be true, a former noble returning to status. Also considering the amount of donating most of us have been doing, I see her point. Though she says it's mostly because of the anti-Ferelden folk in the city seeing one of us succeed, now there's panic in the streets. Personally I think she's reaching there a bit._

_Knowing Aveline as I do, she loves her job and wouldn't change it for the world. The guards respect her and appreciate her efforts in making their jobs easier and safer. She's great at what she does, and I feel guilty that maybe I have added to her headaches. I never bothered to think of how many times she or her guards have been left to cover up something for me... we do have a bad habit of leaving corpses lying all over Kirkwall sometimes._

_So when she asked me for a favor, which is very rare for her, I jumped at the opportunity. I was a bit confused at first when she wanted me to hand something to Donnic, a guard we had rescued a few years ago. He was only in the next room, but she insisted I do this and report back his reaction._

_Donnic and I chatted a bit about Gamlen and the ambush, and then I handed him the copper relief of marigolds. He seemed as confused as I was, to which Aveline was not happy. Next she had me posting the duty roster, and again Donnic was confused and even a little upset by the action. It took me a while to figure out exactly what Aveline was trying to do. Maker Father, if she would've just told me from the beginning she had feelings for the man, I could've stopped her from making a fool out of herself._

_I didn't realize Aveline had been alone since Wesley. This surprised me, though I don't know why. I have been alone too since... well, you know. This just gave me the motivation to help her. She was clearly struggling, and it broke my heart. Here she was finally ready to move on and she was frozen with fear. The fact that she is his boss doesn't make it any easier._

_I suggested Aveline meet with Donnic in some neutral setting outside of the barracks. Arranged for him to meet me at the Hanged Man where she could join us. After a very painful hour of silence between Donnic and I, who ended up thinking I was interested in him instead of Aveline, we came up with a better plan._

_Maker I hope this works out for her._

* * *

"Hawke, I was just coming to speak with you," Sebastian said when he found her exiting the mansion.

"Can you talk and walk at the same time?" she asked. "I promised Aveline I'd help her with something. In fact I could probably use your help."

Sebastian noticed she was geared for battle, but none of her other companions were with her. "Are you in some kind of trouble Hawke?"

She shook her head. "No, but I may run into some. If you're up for it, I'm headed to the Wounded Coast for some reconnaissance."

"You thought to do this alone?" Sebastian asked, disbelief clear in his tone. "Any place outside the city is not safe. Have you no one else to assist you?"

Hawke began walking in the direction of the city gates. "You don't have to come," she said over her shoulder as he followed. "Out of respect for Aveline's privacy I was going to do this on my own, but I'm sure she'd trust you to keep a secret if you wish to join me."

"Aye, I'd never forgive myself should something happen to you," Sebastian admitted.

Hawke ignored his last comment and remained silent as they exited the city and headed towards the coast. She was still upset with him for agreeing with Cullen that Alrik wasn't entirely wrong in his thinking to make it easier for mages to become tranquil. He knew what she was, and here he was again concerned about something happening to her? What did he care?

The silence didn't last long as they were attacked by a pack of wild mabari once they reached the coast. Hawke cast a shield around herself as the dogs came at her, and she froze them in place before backing up a few steps. Sebastian released his arrows on the animals, and with Hawke's assistance of a few spells they took out the dogs with ease. "You meant to do this yourself?" he asked again, slowing his breathing to balance the adrenaline rush.

"I needed a good fight," Hawke responded, dragging one of the corpses into a bush. "Let's me work things out in my head. Help me?"

Sebastian assisted her in moving the bodies off the road and then watched her release a flame spell on a large pole. She took his hand and pulled him behind the thick brush, gesturing with a finger to her lips for him to be quiet. They waited and watched in silence as Aveline approached with one of her guardsmen. Sebastian gave Hawke a questioning look but she just smiled and nodded in their direction, encouraging him to listen.

Hawke brought both her hands to her mouth in an attempt to thwart off the urge to giggle at her friends attempt at pickup lines. "It's a real nice night for an evening," Aveline had said to Donnic, causing even Sebastian to raise a brow.

Once they were out of ear shot, Hawke stood. "Maker, she's bad at this."

Sebastian brushed off some of the dirt from his armor. "I imagine there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for what's going on?"

Hawke nodded. "Yup, but no time to explain now. Come on, through this shortcut!"

They continued this way for a while, battling anyone and anything that got in their way. Some battles were harder than others, and Hawke felt bad after the first time she'd had to heal Sebastian. She didn't mean for him to get injured on this excursion, but to her surprise he didn't mind. "This is much more exciting than the Chantry!" Sebastian had exclaimed during a hectic moment being surrounded by raiders. She couldn't help but smile at that, and at seeing how much fun he was truly having. She suddenly wondered why he'd want to spend all his time serving the Maker when it was clear he had skills beyond the Chantry walls?

After watching Aveline fail yet again at her attempts to casually speak with Donnic, something about blades, Sebastian finally realized what was happening. "Is she trying to court him?"

Hawke laughed. "Figured it out did you? Not successfully apparently. Only one more signal left to clear up to. If she doesn't work it out by then, I may have to take matters into my own hands."

Sebastian shook his head. "Why doesn't she just tell him the truth? Would be easier than this."

"Painful, isn't it." Hawke helped him retrieve a few of his arrows. "Aveline's just nervous. She hasn't cared for anyone since her husband died. Admitting to yourself that you've moved on after a love like that is scary enough. Now try to start something new? It can be terrifying."

"You sound as if you have experience in this," Sebastian questioned, and then immediately regretted doing so. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry it's just... "

"I do," Hawke admitted to him as they began to walk down the path again. "I was engaged once, back in Lothering."

His curiosity got the better of him. "But you didn't marry," he said more as a statement than a question, for some reason hoping it was true.

She inhaled deeply and released the breath slowly before responding. "No. Jeremy was killed before we had the opportunity to wed." Seeing no harm in telling him the complete story now, Hawke continued. "He and his entire family were murdered by a Qunari. Explains the extreme dislike I have for them I guess."

"You have my condolences Hawke," Sebastian offered. "I'm sorry I didn't know."

Hawke shrugged. "How would you have known?" She quickly pulled him behind a large boulder. He was startled when he recovered his balance to discover his face was mere inches from hers. "Shhh," she whispered with a grin as Aveline and Donnic approached.

Being in such close proximity to her, watching her tongue sweep her lips, Sebastian struggled to resist the sudden urge to kiss her. Seeing the brief flicker of sadness in her eyes when she spoke of her lost fiance, and still regretting what had happened between them when last they spoke, these thoughts he had of her were inappropriate, and he inwardly scolded himself. But the wind carried the scent of her and it consumed him. Without realizing he was doing so, Sebastian leaned in closer, wetting his own lips in anticipation of tasting hers.

He nearly got a mouthful of her robes when Hawke suddenly stood, oblivious to his actions, and confronted both Aveline and Donnic as they approached. "Hawke?" Aveline said her name with surprise. "What a surprise! What are you doing here?"

Hawke could no longer sit idly by and watch her friend make a fool out of herself. "Aveline," she replied with a scolding tone.

"Hawke, don't," Aveline begged, though she knew the look in Hawke's eyes.

But she did. When Donnic questioned what was going on between the two of them, Hawke informed him of Aveline's desire for him. Donnic excused himself, clearly a bit embarrased. Aveline didn't take it well either, accusing Hawke of not being her friend and panicking over what Donnic was going to do with this new information. She ordered Hawke and Sebastian to return to Kirkwall with her, and demanded Hawke speak with Donnic to fix this mess.

* * *

_Donnic wasn't nearly as upset with her as Aveline believed. When we returned to the barracks he was waiting for her, and insisted on a private moment alone. What followed next were a series of giggles and moans from her office, so Sebastian and I left the two of them alone. _

_On the way back to the Chantry, Sebastian finally spoke to me about what he had come to talk about when he showed up at my door. He apologized for the things he said last time we talked. He admitted that sometimes his judgment is clouded by the teachings of the Chantry and by Elthina. That provided me with the opportunity to get him to question his faith._

_I asked him this: should I die tomorrow, would you deny me a place beside the Maker simply because I am a mage? I believe in Him, I respect Him, and I pray to Him, but your Chantry would say that I am to find no rest in this world or beyond. If I am denied any chance at happiness in this life or the next, why wouldn't I turn to blood magic to survive? Why wouldn't I resist being made tranquil with every possible tool at my disposal? I have nothing to lose according to the words you as a Brother preach and support._

_I don't know if I pushed it too far Father, but I'm trying to make him see that not everything the Chantry stands for is equal and just. Having never truly associated with a mage I don't think he bothered to even try and see things from our perspective. He had no answer for what I said, so I know I at least have him thinking about it. I can almost picture him in his room at the Chantry going over his books trying to find an argument against what I've said._

_You know me Father, I'll be ready for the challenge when he is. Too bad Sebastian is going to lose. Silly Chantry boy.  
_


	34. Prime Suspect - All That Remains

_Dearest Father,_

_And here I thought there'd be nothing interesting to do today. I sat down to try and get through the dozens of letters I need to attend to (the stack just keeps growing with each passing day!) and Aveline stopped by. It was the first time she saw the estate completely finished with all of Mothers decorating, and I think she was a little taken aback by it all. Who can blame her? I'm overwhelmed by it sometimes. I miss our cozy little home in Lothering, less stairs, but I can't complain about the luxuries of baths and a full warm bed._

_Aveline said that templar, Emeric, the one from a few years ago that was looking into the disappearing women? He apparently had a lead that led him to a suspect and brought it to Aveline and the guard. Her men followed up and found nothing, but Emeric didn't want to let it go. I agreed to check it out, but only if she came with me. _

_It seems after I helped her with Donnic, Aveline has taken it upon herself to become my matchmaker now. She only agreed to go if I brought Sebastian with us. I hesitated at first; there's still so much unsaid between he and I that I wasn't sure facing him right now would be a good thing. But she convinced me; a fun day of looking for a serial killer that didn't exist was exactly what we needed to start talking again. I wasn't so sure, so I brought Fenris along as well for backup. Those two seem to get along sometimes, or at least when they argue they keep me out of it._

_We went to the Gallows to talk to Emeric. I avoided Cullen the entire time, but I still felt his eyes on me. Fenris noticed it too, giving me that warning growl he does when he says my name. I assured him I wasn't going to start any trouble with the knight-captain and was only there to help Aveline. I did search the courtyard for Carver, but it seems yet again he wasn't around when I was there. I thought joining the templars was a better way for him to keep an eye on me? Or so he says, but I can never find him._

_I went to talk to Emeric, but it turned out to be more of a continued argument between him and Aveline. He claims the guard did nothing to help. Aveline says her men raided the suspect's mansion and found nothing, which led to her getting into a lot of trouble. The Knight-Commander herself had forbidden Emeric to look into it any further because of the heat that came down from harassing a noble. I get harassed all the time, why don't I have the luck of templars leaving me alone? Well, the more I think about it, maybe I do have that luck. I should keep my mouth shut._

_I don't understand why Aveline was so certain Emeric was wrong. After the evidence we found a few years ago it was clear there was a murderer in Kirkwall, and Emeric made the connection to a man named Gascard DuPuis. Aveline refused to come with us to investigate the place again, something about the Viscount threatening to remove her from her job if she harassed the noble again. So I enlisted Isabela's help and we waited for nightfall._

_Fenris allowed us to stay at his mansion. He told us that DuPuis was actually his neighbor and had suspected the man was up to no good, sneaking in and out at all hours of the night. We waited until we heard Dupuis come home and then Isabela was kind enough to let us in, and we checked into it for ourselves. Immediately attacked by demons and shades, it seemed we were in the right place. _

_We found a note from First Enchanter Raddick of Starkhaven. That piqued Sebastian's interest. Apparently Gascard was inquiring into some missing mages from the Starkhaven circle; probably others that fled when Grace and them did. The First Enchanter ignored Gascard's request for information though according to the letter, stating that templars only are allowed to inquire about the mages. Sebastian kept the letter and said he'd look into it later._

_We also found the letter from Meredith offering her apologies for Emeric's involvement and the raid from the guards. I find it a bit odd though, after discovering that Gascard is a mage, that Meredith would even stoop so low as to apologize to him. Was it only because he is a noble? Is that why she's left me alone? Because of the nobility status? Fenris figured Gascard was just clever in complaining to the Knight-Commander about Emeric. That's one way to stop the investigation. But after we found Gascard, I believed his story._

_Yes, I jumped ahead before. Gascard is a mage. Blood mage at that. The murderer took his sister and he's been tracking him ever since. He had set up this little charade in the hopes of catching the killer, and instead got us. It made sense why Emeric kept finding things that pointed to Gascard since they were both searching for the same thing, they just didn't know it. I told Gascard I'd help him if I could, and went back to tell Emeric what we found out._

_Unfortunately the killer struck again while we were talking to Gascard. Someone sent Emeric a letter, claiming it was from me, and lured him to an alley near Lowtown. By the time we got there Emeric was already dead. Isabela thinks that Gascard was the one that killed him after we confronted him, but I don't agree with her. He wouldn't have had time to send a note to Emeric before we got there and then kill him. We went straight from Gascard's to the Gallows, it'd be impossible._

_So no closer to finding the killer, and I think I've seen enough of Isabela cheating Merrill at Diamondback for one night. Heading home Father; will write again tomorrow. Miss and love you._

* * *

"Is that yelling coming from your estate?" Sebastian asked as they approached Hawke's residence.

Hawke sighed as she opened the door. "Sounds like my adoring uncle," she said sarcastically as they proceeded into the living room.

Unfortunately she wasn't wrong. Gamlen was engaged in conversation with Sandal, though no one really conversed with the dwarf. As her uncle was learning, you could talk to Sandal all day, and his favorite response was nothing other than, "Enchantment!"

"What are you doing here?" Hawke asked Gamlen, remaining close to Sebastian. Seeing her uncle in the estate unsettled her for some reason. Being near him at all anywhere did.

"There you are," Gamlen turned his attention toward her, and then eyed Sebastian behind her. "Your mother didn't show up for our weekly visit. Is she ill? Would you have even noticed? Or were you too busy whoring about with that man behind you?"

Hawke clenched her teeth, placing a hand on Sebastian's arms when he had opened his mouth to protest. "Sebastian is a friend of mine Uncle. Do not disrespect him or I shall ask you to leave."

Gamlen shrugged but remained firm. "Fine fine, whatever. But your mother, is she here? It's not like her to miss a visit."

Regrettably Hawke didn't even know if her mother were home. She had been out all day and night dealing with Emeric and Gascard. She turned to Bodahn who had just entered the room. "Bodahn, is mother here?" she asked.

"No," was his response to her and Gamlen. "In fact we haven't seen her all day. I believe she is with her suitor perhaps."

Gamlen said the word as if it were impossible. "Suitor? Leandra never mentioned any suitor."

Bodahn was happy to inform them of Leandra's newest friend. "A fine gentleman. Even sent her those white lilies this morning."

Hawke felt the blood drain from her face, and her knees nearly gave out supporting her. Sebastian was immediately beside her, holding on to her elbow to assist. "White lilies," she whispered. "Oh no, oh Maker no."

"Are you daft woman?" Gamlen snapped. "What is it?"

She walked toward the flowers, removed one from the vase and held it in her shaking hand. "There's a killer in Kirkwall," she answered. "He sends his victims white lilies before he takes them; he's murdered several women already." Hawke avoided Gamlen's stare and looked up at Sebastian. "We have to tell Gascard. He might be able to help."

Sebastian nodded. "Your uncle should return to his home in case Leandra arrives. We should get Fenris and head to Darktown immediately."

"And Anders," Hawke added, not wanting to think of her mother possibly hurt but knowing Anders was the best healer between them. "Bodahn, please inform Aveline everything that I've just told you."

The dwarf nodded, exiting the estate immediately with Sandal. "Find her," Gamlen said to Hawke before he left as well.

Hawke turned her attention back to the vase of flowers. She carefully returned the one she had removed and arranged them as they were before she touched them. A second later the vase went flying toward the stairs, shattering into several pieces against the railing. Water cascaded down the first three steps where the remains had landed, and she watched as the rug absorbed it.

His arms were around her in an instant, his armor pressing into her as he held her back to his chest. "We'll find her Hawke," Sebastian assured her.

She allowed herself a minute to take comfort in his words before nodding, and then they too left to begin the search for Leandra.

* * *

Fenris, Sebastian, and Hawke made their way to Darktown. After stopping in Anders' clinic and filling him in on what was happening, Anders led them to the other side of Darktown where he had heard Gascard was hiding. The blood mage was there, and offered his assistance to Hawke.

When he found out her mother was missing, Gascard offered her a way to find her. It seems the killer had recently taken Alessa as well, the woman Gascard had used for bait in the trap Hawke stepped into inadvertently. His original plan was to track the killer using Alessa's blood, which he still had, and offered to do the spell now to find Hawke's mother.

She didn't hesitate in allowing him to do so. "Use the blood," she told him. "I need to find my mother." And to Hawke's surprise, none of her friends tried to talk her out of it either.

Hawke had witnessed Merrill use blood magic before, but that was nothing compared to what Gascard had done. After slitting his hand he levitated, and then nearly choked on his own blood when he fell to the ground. The unnatural feeling in the air disturbed Hawke physically as she felt demons from the Fade honing in on the magic like a beacon. She was certain Anders felt it too when she turned to see him and his eyes were tightly shut. Sebastian stood speechless, and Fenris remained neutral.

After completing the spell, Gascard led them to the Foundry where they had found the bones from the previous women a few years ago. A passageway they hadn't noticed before was suddenly visible, and Hawke began running through the underground chasing a trail of blood. The others tried to stop her by calling out to her, but she could no longer hear them. Her heart pounding in her chest was the only sound she could focus on, and she didn't stop until she was forced to by demons, corpses, and shades.

The rest was all a blur to her. Hawke barely remembered the remains of Alessa, whom she thought was her mother at first. Or the several attacks that her friends and Gascard assisted her with. She hadn't bothered to register the notes they'd found about preserving skin, or hands and feet. The painting they found that looked like Leandra, or the locket, or the books on necromancy... none of it sunk in until the deformed stitched together corpse came walking toward her.

She vaguely remembered that Gascard had lied. Had been seeking the murderer, Quentin, to learn from him instead of wanting revenge. "Don't you see what he's done?" Hawke asked Gascard, still in shock and disbelief as what was left of her mother looked on.

Gascard helped them in the end. Dispatching more demons, raised shades, vile smelling corpses, and finally Quentin himself. As she stood among the carnage, staring out into what seemed like endless bodies, filth and decay, the sound of shuffling feet brought her attention back to her mother.

Leandra fell into her daughters arms. Anders apologized behind her, informing her there was nothing he could do. Again Hawke heard none of it, and could only focus on the pale white flesh that was similar to her mothers, but wasn't really hers. Only her voice was the same, as Leandra assured her daughter she was ready to be reunited with Bethany and Malcolm. Final words of pride and love drifted from dry chapped lips, and then Hawke's mother was gone.

* * *

Sebastian entered her bedroom quietly, hoping he'd find her asleep. It had been hours since they returned from the Foundry, after Aveline and her guards showed up to remove Leandra and clean up the mess Quentin had left behind. Hawke hadn't said a word the entire time, and when the silence from her room started to worry him, Sebastian decided to check on her.

But she wasn't asleep. She sat on the edge of her bed, staring off at nothing. He cleared his throat to announce his presence without startling her, and she turned to look at him. "Is this the part where you tell me she's in a better place? That's all anyone ever said after Father died."

He walked over to the bed and sat beside her. "If that would help you to hear," Sebastian answered. "Though I doubt it."

"You'd be correct," she answered, turning away from him to watch the fire.

"Is there anything you need me to do?" Sebastian asked. "I could inform your brother if you'd rather not."

She shook her head. "My uncle said he'd take care of that. Right after he blamed me for everything that has happened."

Sebastian placed his hand on hers. "You don't believe that, do you? There are so many others to blame in this. The man responsible, or DuPuis. But not you."

Her expression changed at the mention of Gascard, and she startled Sebastian when she stood. "Is Fenris still here?" she asked.

He nodded. "Aye. He's downstairs with the others."

Hawke immediately exited the bedroom and made her way down the stairs. She hadn't expected everyone to still be in the estate, but they were. All of her friends had gathered, for support she assumed, but there was only one thing on her mind. She ignored them as she moved through the living room and to the foyer to find Fenris seated on the bench. "Come with me," she said to him.

Fenris looked over her shoulder at Sebastian who had joined them. A questioning glance caused Sebastian to shrug. "Hawke, what is going on?"

"You can come too," she told Sebastian. "But there's something I need to take care of."

Sebastian assured the others she'd be alright and that they should all go home, and then he caught up with Fenris and Hawke as they moved swiftly through Hightown. Fenris didn't bother to ask Hawke where she was going, and Sebastian was content with her at least moving with some purpose for the first time since the Foundry. It wasn't until they had reached Darktown that Sebastian figured out where she was headed.

Gascard nearly ran into them coming down the stairs as he was attempting to flee. But Hawke pushed him back, Sebastian and Fenris remained on either side of her preventing him from moving any further. "Hawke," he called to her, his voice revealing his fear. "I was just coming to thank you, for showing me what a monster Quentin was." He hesitated, trying to find a way past the three of them. "I am really sorry about your mother."

"It's your fault she's dead," Hawke spat the words with disgust. "You knew him all along. You could've helped me stop this!"

"How was I supposed to know he was going to take your mother?" Gascard asked.

Hawke turned to Fenris, her eyes saying what she could not. He did not hesitate in his movements, one swift fluid motion and suddenly he was in front of them, his markings lit and his hand through Gascard's chest. "That pain you feel is just the beginning, mage" Fenris growled as he tightened his grip, twisting his arm through flesh and bone to cause as much damage as possible without killing the man.

Gascard was quick to reveal the entire story then. The truth behind his lies. That he had experimented on another woman when Quentin refused to teach him everything he knew. That he never had a sister that Quentin had killed. The more Hawke heard, the more she hated him, and hated herself for falling for his lies. "Please," Gascard begged. "Are you going to let him kill me? It won't bring your mother back!"

"No, it won't bring her back," Hawke whispered. "But it will make me feel better."

"Marian, don't," Sebastian spoke up. "You don't want to do this."

"You got your revenge," Hawke answered angrily. "I gave it to you. Now allow me to have mine."

"I can not stop you," Sebastian said as he moved in front of her, obstructing her view of Fenris and Gascard. "But you will hate yourself tomorrow if you do this, you know this to be true. You mustn't let your emotions rule in a time like this." He brought his hand to her face, gently caressing her cheek until she looked up at him. "Trust me on this, please."

Every thought in her head screamed for revenge, but his words touched her heart. She closed her eyes, leaning into his palm, and the tears finally fell. Sebastian pulled her into him and turned toward Fenris who had already removed his hand from Gascard's chest.

"I will see he find his way to the Gallows," Fenris informed them, pushing the blood mage toward the stairs and leaving the two of them alone.

Sebastian continued to hold her, stroking her hair and allowing her the release of emotion she desperately needed. When Hawke was so exhausted she could no longer stand, he picked her up and carried her to Anders' clinic, where he remained by her side through the night.


	35. A Bitter Pill

_Dearest Father,_

_I received a letter today from Feynriel that nearly broke my heart. He's not having an easy time with the Dalish. He claims the elders fear him and the younger elves won't accept him. I understand how he feels, that sense of being alone even when surrounded by people. He ended the letter saying I was the only person he could trust; again, my heart breaks. The poor thing can't even turn to his own mother after she tried to have him committed to the circle. I decided to go and see him._

_I asked Merrill if she wanted to come along, maybe visit some of her old friends and help Feynriel feel a little less alone. Went to invite Fenris to get him out of his dusty old mansion and Sebastian was there. Apparently those two talk now? Both were willing to take the trip to Sundermount, I think more because they didn't like the idea of me traveling alone with Merrill. _

_We were ambushed outside the city by some slavers. They demanded I step away from Fenris and allow them to recapture him. Fools, that wasn't going to happen. One look at Sebastian and he nodded, secretly reaching for his bow, and the fight was on. It was unfortunate so many Tevinters had to lose their lives, but I had no intention of letting them take Fenris. He's become someone I can count on, a true friend, and I'd kill a hundred more if it meant keeping him safe from his former master._

_As the battle heated up I kept expecting Danarius to show up. That was my biggest fear. But when Fenris questioned the last remaining slaver, we found out Danarius' apprentice Hadriana was the one that was in town. She was hiding in some old caves, and Fenris wanted to go after her immediately._

_I couldn't delay, we had to strike quickly before the woman had a chance to flee, or worse find a way to recapture Fenris. The trip to Sundermount had to be delayed. I think Merrill was upset about that, but I didn't see any choice in the matter. Her clan would still be there tomorrow, Hadriana wouldn't be. _

_I wish now Merrill hadn't come with us. Fenris' anger and hate for mages, blood mages in particular, only grew as we got closer to Hadriana. One of the first rooms we entered had a corpse on the table, drained of blood. Fenris explained he was used for blood magic, and Merrill couldn't believe her eyes. This led to an argument between the two of them when Fenris warned her she was only a step away from killing someone. "Mages always find a way to justify their need for power," he had said. I don't know how Merrill felt about his words, but they still haunt me._

_More violence and death around every corner. We rescued a young elf who now resides here at the estate. Her father was killed to fuel Hadriana's power. As she explained to us how her father was bled dry, Sebastian made a comment about how this was just more proof why the Maker turned His back on His children. Do you believe that Father? Is that true? Are we all damned because of magic? How is that fair when we were born with it! I didn't ask for this curse, no mage did, and yet we are constantly punished for it. But I've written about this before. Maybe I'll ask Sebastian to elaborate on his comment next time I see him._

_The elf had nowhere else to go and so I offered her a place to stay and a job. Fenris seemed to appreciate that, after I explained to him that I wasn't taking her on as a slave. He knows me better than that, I was surprised he even thought such a thing. I guess he was just on edge because he was so close to confronting someone who had tormented him. I won't hold it against him. I also won't judge him for lying to her either. When we found Hadriana, Fenris had assured her he wouldn't kill her. But he did. And I don't blame him. After what happened with Mother, I don't blame him at all. How can I? _

_Fenris ended up leaving after saying some pretty hurtful things to me about mages. I agreed with him on everything he said, for all the reasons I stated above. Magic is a curse and mages are dangerous. I know he left me with a lot to think about, and Merrill too. She hadn't said a word as Fenris went on about how all mages should rot, and everything we touch is spoiled. I expected her to say something, but in that moment I think we both felt a bit of guilt for what Fenris has had to deal with, even if we weren't directly involved._

_Fenris was waiting for me at the estate when we returned from the caves. He apologized for the things he said, not wishing it to tarnish our friendship. And then he opened up a bit about the hate he still felt for those who had tortured him. I don't imagine you get over something like that quickly. We did find out from Hadriana though that Fenris has a sister. I'm hoping he looks into finding her, at least then maybe he won't be so alone in this world. I can only do so much as a friend, but family can do so much more._

* * *

Hawke looked up as a shadow came over the letter she had been writing. She smiled and moved over on the bench to allow Sebastian to sit, which he did. "I thought you returned to the Chantry," she said folding the parchment in her lap.

"Aye, I meant to," Sebastian told her. "I had gone to see Fenris first and he told me he had come to apologize."

Hawke nodded. "He did. I don't blame him for what he said. It's not anything I haven't thought of about myself before, and he has every reason to hate mages."

"He was fairly harsh in his choice of words," Sebastian commented. "But indeed you are right, he is a troubled soul, which is why I am here. I came to ask something of you."

Hawke raised a brow as she studied the young prince. "Oh? I admit I'm curious. What is it?"

Sebastian turned so that he was looking directly at her. "What Fenris did to Hadriana, killing her with such rage as he did, it's not healthy for him. And I'm not blaming you for allowing it to happen, but if anyone could've prevented her death it would have been you."

She hadn't expected that, and Hawke found it difficult to respond to him. "You... you believe I would've spared her life? After what she had done to him? I'm sorry Sebastian, you must think me kinder than I really am." She turned away, ashamed to admit what she said next. "I'm glad she's dead. And I regret that Gascard isn't dead as well."

"He is," Sebastian told her, causing her eyes to widen. "Gascard did not make it to the Gallows."

"Fenris?"

"Aye," Sebastian nodded. "He told me so himself. I am the last person to lecture on revenge, as you pointed out the other day, but Fenris has suffered more than any of us. Should he choose the wrong path and give into his hate and anger..."

"We'll lose him," Hawke finished his thought for him. She couldn't admit the sudden joy she felt at knowing Gascard was dead, but what did that say for her? Instead of telling Fenris it was wrong to kill him and Hadriana, she'd already confirmed to Fenris that she was glad Hadriana was dead. All she wanted to do now was thank him for Gascard, but Sebastian was right. How many more deaths can Fenris cause before he becomes numb to it?

And then there was the deal she had made with Fenris. None of the others knew of it, and now she wondered if it was the wrong thing to do. "Sebastian, I may have created more of a problem than you think," she admitted.

"Oh?"

Hawke sighed. "Would you like to come inside? I fear this will lead to a lengthy discussion."

Nodding, Sebastian stood and offered his hand to her. She accepted, and the two went into the estate. It was a lengthy discussion indeed; Sebastian left as the sun began to rise, and even though he was exhausted, he immediately went to Fenris to confront him on this deal he had made with Hawke. He would make Fenris break this promise to Hawke no matter what the consequences may be.


	36. Questioning Beliefs: Sebastian

"Sweet blessed Andraste, what were you thinking?" Sebastian asked Fenris before the former slave could even shut the front door.

Fenris ignored his question as he retreated back up the stairs to the only room in the old mansion that he occupied. When he heard Sebastian's footsteps behind him, he knew the man wasn't going to go away easily. "I can only assume by your anger that this is about the arrangement I have with Hawke?"

Blue eyes widened as they looked upon the elf. "Arrangement? That is what you call this.. this madness?"

Fenris turned to look at him. "If she told you what was discussed then she must have told you her reasons behind her decision. You should respect her for it."

Sebastian raised his arms in the air out of frustration. "I trust you as a friend of hers to talk her out of such foolishness. To agree to murder her..."

"To protect her from herself," Fenris corrected. "She is wise to fear the power she possesses. Tell me you would not do the same if you witnessed a demon taking hold of her? Knowing that is her greatest fear, you would do nothing to help her?"

His words held some truth, though Sebastian didn't want to admit it. "But to kill her?"

"She would be dead already," Fenris pointed out. "You being here is proof you could not convince her otherwise, nor will you convince me."

Falling into a long forgotten chair, Sebastian ignored the dust that escaped the cushion under his weight. "We have led her down this path. We have convinced her she carries this curse that will inevitably lead to such destruction."

Fenris raised a brow as he considered Sebastian's statements. "Was it not you just yesterday that reminded her the Maker turned His back on His children for being what she was? It is the Chantry you devote yourself to that condemns her, and rightly so given all we have seen."

"Then perhaps it is I who has failed," Sebastian realized. "The Chantry deserves no such loyalty if it condemns someone for being what they had no choice in being."

"Or your feelings cloud your judgment," Fenris dared to say. "Either way, that is your burden, not mine. I am painfully aware what mages are capable of, as is Hawke. For her to recognize her own weakness is admirable, and I will not go back on my word."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I spent the better part of an evening trying to make Sebastian see my side of things. Being a mage is difficult, it comes with consequences that we must be aware of. You did your best to instill that in me by forbidding blood magic and warning me of how demons can take hold of us. I can't help but wonder if I am strong enough, if put in some imaginary situation that the option to turn to the dark power wouldn't seem so bad if it could right some terrible wrong. Is there a balance to it all? I suppose we'll never know until the time comes._

_Sebastian made some valid arguments of his own, though I think he left here struggling with his own demons. I went to see him earlier, not comfortable with the way we had left things, and I found him arguing with Elthina. Their voices echoed through the Chantry, though I couldn't make out what they were saying. When I approached the two, Elthina turned to me and begged me to talk some sense into Sebastian._

_When I asked him what he had done to upset her so, he explained to me that he had made a mistake. Claimed he had a moment of weakness, and during that time had turned his back against the Maker. He was begging Elthina for another chance at becoming a brother of the Chantry, and Elthina rightly called it just another whim. I wasn't sure why he was suddenly so pro-Chantry again after our discussion, but then when he told me spoke with Fenris, it became clear._

_He didn't want to jump into the unknown again. Having me in his life, forcing him to question the teachings of the Chantry, was making him uncomfortable. I am a walking contradiction he claimed; a mage that believes in the Maker and His words, yet still a mage, something damned by the Maker himself. If I could have enough faith in the Maker being what I am, that somehow made him a lesser man, and so he had to redevote himself to the Chantry and ask for forgiveness._

_Does any of that make sense Father? Because it certainly didn't to me. I get that I'm a contradiction. What I didn't understand is why he felt he wasn't just as worthy in the Maker's eyes. Because he had sinned, he said. Because he questioned, just for a moment, the teachings of the Chantry. And because he had feelings for me, and I am a mage. For him to admit he had feelings for me warmed my heart, but it iced over just as quickly when I realized he was throwing himself at Elthina's feet to get away from those feelings, and had considered them just another sin._

"So everything you said to me last night was a lie then?" Hawke asked, anger keeping the tears from falling.

Sebastian shifted uncomfortably. "No, that's not what I mean at all."

"You caring about me is a sin," she repeated. "You said it yourself. I have caused you to doubt the Maker. I have burdened you with feelings that you can't give in to because you swore before the Maker you'd take no bride except Andraste. Have I missed anything so far?"

"Hawke," Sebastian tried to answer, but she wasn't finished.

"'Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. Foul and corrupt are they who have taken His gift and turned it against His children.' That's how it goes, isn't it?" She paused, seeing the surprise in his eyes as she quoted from the Canticle of Transfigurations. "Tell me when I have used my magic to rule over man. Show me where I have turned it against His children? To protect others? To protect you! You are so quick to turn your back on me because of feelings? Yet you had no problem turning your back on the Maker when you sought revenge for your family!"

Sebastian lowered his head, ashamed that her words rang true. "Maker forgive me..."

"He has," Hawke told him, lowering her voice to a more calming tone. "I asked you earlier if you saw yourself as a prince or a priest, and you said you were praying for guidance about that decision. Did you ever consider that maybe this is your answer? You said staying with the Chantry brought you a sense of peace, but I don't see peace within you now. I see the same turmoil in your eyes that I see in mine. Fear of the unknown, of what's to come and if you're strong enough to handle it."

His eyes met hers, and he knew she was right again. "I could lock myself in my room as much as you want to lock yourself within these walls," Hawke continued. "But what good can we do while secluded? You can choose to be a priest, or a prince, or none of those. Just as I can choose to hide or to help people, or sit back and watch the injustice in the world happen around me. I can still lead my life the way I hope will give me favor with the Maker when my time comes, and it should be our faith in Him that allows us to make mistakes and know we'll be forgiven."

A smile curled his lip as Sebastian spoke. "Is it not I that should be preaching to you?"

She offered him a one-shouldered shrug. "Not if you choose to be Prince. Prince's are much more sexier, and you get to do whatever you want with me."

_I probably shouldn't have shared that last detail with you Father, sorry. I was in the moment. Anyway, that's where we left it; the torn and slightly embarrassed soon to be prince or priest, and me, still as lost and confused as ever. I do know that the agreement with Fenris stands, and I also believe everything I said to Sebastian. I have to believe it, I have to think that the Maker can forgive. Otherwise, what's the point in striving to be the best person you can be? _

_I know I'll still slip occasionally here and there, and may not make the best decisions in His eyes, but all we can do is learn from our mistakes and go forward. That lesson you taught me well, I just needed a reminder._


	37. Questioning Beliefs: Fenris

When Hawke walked into the mansion, she took a moment at the door to try and calm herself. Her anger was still dangerously close to the surface, and if she didn't get it under control, she feared the damage that may be done to their friendship.

Just who did he think he is, involving himself in her personal affairs? Yes Fenris was a good friend, a dear friend, the brother she had been missing while Carver was away, but he had no right to speak with Sebastian about her. Hawke was furious with him, and while marching over here to confront him seemed like a good idea at the time, now she wasn't so sure.

Throughout their friendship Fenris has always looked out for her. Regardless of the fact that she was a mage, he took care of her. The day she approached him and asked him to kill her should she become possessed, he did in fact struggle with the decision for a while. In the end he admitted he had more respect for her because she wasn't blind to the possibility that it may happen, unlike Merrill. He agreed to give her peace of mind, and because he felt it was a worthy request.

Even so, having control over her life literally should the moment arise did not mean he could control every other aspect of her life.

She considered leaving, but Fenris called to her from the top of the stairs. "I've been expecting you," he said before disappearing into his room again. Taking a deep breath, Hawke slowly made her way to him, clenching her fists to release some rage.

From the looks of things, Fenris was having a one-man party. The long table was covered with burning candles and random parchments, but in front of Fenris lay three empty wine bottles. He held a fourth to his lips, consuming a large swig as she entered the room. She tried to recall ever seeing him drink this much alcohol, and to her knowledge he hadn't. Games at the Hanged Man he'd have one or two drinks, but this was slightly more than one or two.

"Last bottle of the Aggregio," Fenris said, holding it up for her. "I've been saving it for a special occasion."

Hawke eyed the bottle for a second, and then decided perhaps some wine would be best to calm her nerves. Helping herself to a sip she asked, "And what's that?"

"The anniversary of my escape!" He exclaimed, taking the bottle back from her to indulge some more.

This was a topic they had barely touched on when Hadriana died, so when Fenris offered to tell her the story, suddenly all of her anger disappeared. He had spent countless nights listening to her talk, her struggles and concerns, but rarely did he open up to her. She sat back in the chair and settled in as he began to tell his story.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I think I understand now why Fenris and I are so close. We both share demons from our past that haunt us to this day. Although I had gone there to confront him on whatever it was he told Sebastian, I left his home with a heavy heart, for I now know the burdens he carries with him. They are no different from my own. Well, I was never a slave, but__ we both have regrets over lives we have taken in the past._

_Hearing about his time with Danarius was difficult. I can not even begin to imagine what life would be like as a slave. To only concern yourself with pleasing the person who owned you, surviving by just trying to get through the next hour? I admire him for all he has endured, to be able to even function in this world after going through something like that._

_I admit Sebastian's words echoed in my mind. That we need to be careful with Fenris and how he could take a darker path if we allow it. After listening to him tonight I agree, we should do everything within our power to free him from Danarius once and for all and try to lighten some of this hate he holds inside him. I wonder if having his memories back would help with that or make it worse? What if he was a hateful person before he became a slave? _

_Maybe he needs a second chance to forgive himself. He says he never truly lived until he was with these fog warriors. That they were bold, strong, and free with their affections... that's similar to our group, some more freer with their affections than others! But we do fight for our friends and for what's right, at least we try to. So maybe he can find that sense of peace again with us if he continues to stay with us. I think he fears he would turn on us too if Danarius had returned and told him to do so, but I don't think so. I have faith in the bonds we've created that he wouldn't. He may not believe that, but I do. Well, at least he wouldn't kill me, I don't know about Anders..._

_I think I will encourage him to find his sister. Maybe she can help him somewhere where I can't. As close as some of us are with each other, there's nothing closer than family. If he could just talk to her, get to know what he was like before Danarius, maybe things would be better._

_As for whatever he said to Sebastian, I guess I'll have to let that go for now. I'm sure whatever Fenris said he meant it in the spirit of being protective, so I'll try to remember that before I go storming over there again to take his head off. He really is a good friend, I am lucky to have him in my life._


	38. The Fixer - The Lost Patrol

"Sebastian Vael to see you," Bodahn announced to Hawke, who was seated at the dining table with several parchments spread out before her.

She sighed. "Still so formal Bodahn, even though you know there's no need. You can send him in."

Bodhan bowed before gesturing for Sebastian to enter, and then offered them refreshments and something to eat. Hawke smiled as Sebastian sat down at the table, accepting Bodahn's offer for some fruit. She wasn't sure what had brought him to visit, but she was glad. "Trouble?"

"Not at all," Sebastian replied. "Though it looks like I'm interrupting some very important letter reading."

Hawke laughed as she looked at the stack of notes. "My mother used to take care of most of these for me," she said with a touch of sadness in her voice. "Unfortunately I've let them pile up as of late. It seems the more I do for Kirkwall, the more Kirkwall wants from me."

Sebastian glanced at the letters. "May I offer assistance?"

"Maker, please," she said handing him a stack. "I have a pile for junk, things to reply to, and things that need doing," Hawke explained pointing out the three piles.

Bodahn delivered drink and food and the two began sorting through the mound of paperwork. "Here's a nice one," Sebastian commented as he handed her a letter from Macha to read, thanking her for her assistance with her brother Keran a few years ago.

"Aww, that was sweet of her," Hawke said. "I should check on Keran one of these days, or maybe ask Carver if he can keep an eye on him."

Since she had brought up Carver, Sebastian took the opportunity to ask, "Have you been to see your brother? Since your Mother..."

"No," Hawke quickly answered. "I know Uncle Gamlen went to see him, but I haven't." She knew what his next words were going to be, and chose to end the conversation for him when she read over another letter. "I'm going, soon. Promise. Who is Corbinian?"

Whatever encouraging words Sebastian was going to reply with about Carver left his mind at the mention of Corbinian. "How in the Maker's name... Corbinian is my cousin. But how did you..."

She waved the letter in front of him. "It's from Lord Falk of Starkhaven. He claims to represent Prince Corbinian Vael, the true heir to the throne. I thought you were the rightful heir to the throne?"

"Corbinian is my cousin," Sebastian explained. "No remaining noble in their right mind would put him on the throne. Besides the criminal ties he has within the city, my cousin is a bit of a con artist, and all of Starkhaven knows it."

"Says here he has some money stashed away in Antiva," Hawke explained as she continued reading. "He wishes to use that fortune to hire an army to retake the throne. All I need to do is open an account in Kirkwall so the money can be transferred safely and quietly without arousing suspicion."

Sebastian laughed. "I suppose you need to keep a hundred sovereigns in this account for the transfer yes? It is an old con my cousin has tried throughout the years, though usually he claims to be representing some rich noble that passed away and left no heirs, offering the deceased's money to random strangers. If you don't mind, I would like to respond to that one personally."

Hawke shook her head, handing him the letter. "By all means. Send him my regards and thank him for considering me important enough for such a task," she joked.

Going through his stack, Sebastian found one from Elren, the father of the girl Lia that was nearly killed by the Magister's son Kelder. He tossed it in the reply pile to be dealt with later. He wasn't familiar with that particular story, but the letter implied the girl wasn't doing too well. Hoping to shield Hawke another day from the sad news, he kept it from her for now.

Finding a more positive letter, Sebastian handed her one of thanks from the boy who was working for Athenril that she allowed to escape for a better life. His sisters were now maids and he was living the life of a shepherd, starting his own flock and farming as his father had before him. Hawke smiled at that one, feeling good about the decision to help the boy leave Athenril's employ.

They spent the rest of the morning sorting through other letters, some from old friends in Lothering, others addressed to Gamlen about some debts he had yet to pay. Sebastian hid another in the reply pile that was addressed to Leandra from a friend of hers in Redcliffe. In just two hours they had managed to get through all of them, Hawke reading the last.

She could not contain the giggles as she read the letter. When Sebastian gave her a questioning glance, she held on to her side, feeling the oncoming pain from laughing so hard. "Maybe you'd like to save this one? Just in case?"

Sebastian grinned at her giddiness as he took the letter. Reading it, for a moment his face turned as red as his armor.

_Feeling Inadequate? Flag flying at half-mast? Does your soldier not stand to attention? Does your dwarf shy away from the Deep Roads? Come to Jorman's Apothecary and ask for our Special Sauce. Our Special Sauce is infused with the essence of fifty-two herbs. It's completely natural, completely safe, and ABSOLUTELY EFFECTIVE. You will never feel the same again!_

_Be the man other men want to be. Be the man you DESERVE to be._

Sebastian stood, crinkling up the letter and tossing it onto the table. He bent down and kissed the top of her head. "I assure you Hawke, I have no problems in _that d_epartment," he said before exiting the estate to return to the Chantry. Hawke turned a brighter shade of red than Sebastian had as she rested her forehead on the table, fighting the images of Sebastian's "soldier" that flooded her mind.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I had an enjoyable morning spending some time with Sebastian. It was nice to just sit for a while, going through some letters and laughing comfortably. He's being very kind, checking up on me. I know that's what he's doing, even if he won't admit it. A few of my friends have just "dropped by" since Mother's been gone. It's sweet of them, but sometimes I wonder if they are just waiting for me to completely lose it. I haven't Father, not yet anyway. But Sebastian bringing up me not seeing Carver probably has something to do with that. _

_Truth is I've been avoiding my brother again. I'm terrified he'll blame me for not saving Mother. After all the blame Mother put on me for Bethany, I don't think I could take it from Carver. There's so much distance between us already, I fear this may be what tears us apart forever. And I don't want to lose my brother. He's all I have left. But I made a promise to see him, and so I will, very soon._

_While sorting through correspondences this morning I came across one asking for my assistance in disposing of "formerly living things." The wording of the letter was disturbing, and I'm ashamed to admit I hid it from Sebastian because it mentioned my burning of the Qunari bodies a few years ago. That's not something I am proud of, and this letter just meant that others are aware of my actions. What kind of reputation do I have with some organizations I wonder?_

_I decided to act on the letter, find out all I could about who sent it. I was instructed to visit the docks, Lowtown, and Darktown. Not sure what I was walking into, I took Varric and Isabela with me. The two of them are no strangers to the shadier sides of Kirkwall, so I figured they'd be more than happy to come along. Merrill ended up tagging along only because she was at the Hanged Man when I arrived. _

_When we got to the docks I was immediately confronted by a Qunari outside their compound. He told me a patrol had recently gone missing along the Wounded Coast and asked me if I had anything to do with it. Of course I didn't, and told him so. Strangely he believed me and let me go about my business without another word. Which reminds me, I need to ask Isabela why she keeps avoiding any talks with the Qunari. The minute we were approached she suddenly found someone else very interesting to talk to and didn't join us again until we were done._

_I found the person I was supposed to meet, and true to the letter, he and some friends were surrounding a body that they assumed I could get rid of for them. I asked Varric and Isabela what they thought I should do. According to Varric, the uniforms these men wore he wasn't familiar with, but the uniform of the body he knew to be one of the worst street gangs in Kirkwall. Isabela agreed, said that if this strange group was getting rid of these thugs then we should help._

_So I found myself helping one gang get rid of evidence of killing another gang. I wasn't very comfortable with that to be honest Father, but Varric and Isabela both assured me it was the right thing to do. After all this time, would they steer me wrong? I hope not, because I trusted their opinion. _

_After we visited all three locations and took care of business, I was told there was one more body to dispose of along the Wounded Coast. While we were there I found out what happened to that Qunari patrol: demons. I'm not exactly sure what or who summoned an abomination to attack Qunari, but if I am being honest with you Father I don't mind a few less of them wandering around Kirkwall. Don't worry, we took out the demons._

_I still don't know who hired me to do this job. We had a run-in with the rival gang near the last corpse but they were no match for us. I came home to find a hefty amount of gold as payment and a letter of thanks that was signed by Anonymous. Sometimes I wonder about all these letters that I receive. I suppose if I kept a low profile none of these opportunities would come my way._

_When we were in Lowtown I found a book by Shartan that I thought would be perfect for Fenris. When I went to store it in my trunk until the next time I saw him, I realized I had several things I had kept for my friends. Tomorrow I should make it a point to deliver some of them. It'll give me a chance to catch up with everyone too since I have hidden in this estate far too much lately._

_I miss you Father. And Mother. And Bethany. I miss Carver too, and I will make a promise to you as well that I will go see him. Maker, please let him forgive me._


	39. Questioning Beliefs: Aveline

_**A/N: This chapter also includes the quests The Captain's Condolences and The Shield of the Knight Herself.**_

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_My plan of visiting everyone today to unload these gifts I'd been collecting started and ended with Aveline. What I thought would be a quick visit turned into an all day affair. I suppose it's good, considering I haven't had much time to talk with her, see how things are. It saddened me a bit when I realized I hadn't really talked to her since Mother died._

_Seneschal Bran was there when I arrived, going on about uniforms and budgets. By the time he left it was clear Aveline was at her wits end with him and the politics of the Viscount. At first she directed her frustrations toward me, claiming I was no better than the other fortune hunters and mercenaries that had her so busy these days. I know she loves her job though, she can't fool me. She did hint that she wasn't comfortable with some of the jobs I had taken her along for; I have to remember that she is in that position and be careful not to jeopardize that for her in the future._

_I offered her the shield I had found, the one that was a replica of a shield worn by Ser Aveline, her namesake. That didn't go over well, in fact it was a disaster. She brought up Wesley's shield, the one we were forced to sell when we first came to Kirkwall. I knew she was hesitant to part with it, even then Mother and I tried to talk her out of it, but she was so insistent back then that she pay her own way into the city. I knew she'd have regrets Father, just as I did of letting go of what little I had taken from Lothering. We all gave up everything to get here, and now even years later, sentiment lingers._

_I didn't force her to take the shield, it was clear she didn't want it, but we did begin a conversation then about her father. Aveline has always been so tight-lipped about her family that I was surprised. She told me her father had given her the name Aveline, hoping she would grow up to become a Knight. Obviously she has chosen a different path, but still tries to keep duty and honor in the way she handles herself and her actions. Again, I mustn't take her on any future compromising jobs; I don't want to lose her as a friend._

_She also told me about her father's passing, some illness that took hold of him. I couldn't cry then, trying to be the supportive friend, but as I write you now Father the tears fall. Her story was very sweet, touched the heart, but it also made me realize how much I've come to miss you. And Mother. _

_Aveline asked me how I was really doing with Mother being gone. A smile on my face I told her, that's what most people want to see. But she knows the truth; of everyone she is the one person that understands putting on the act and hiding what you really feel inside. Deep down this is killing me Father; the overwhelming guilt I feel coupled with the exhaustion from the energy it takes to pretend that everything is alright. I am not alright. But life must go on, jobs must get done, friends need my help and there's no time to stop and deal with these emotions._

_We ended the day with a drink, toasting those that have gone before us. Hopefully someday we can all be together again._

* * *

She always enjoyed the quiet of the Chantry at night. Very few would venture to its sacred walls after dark due to the new gang that had claimed the Hightown streets over the last few years, but Hawke didn't care. The days conversation with Aveline still weighed heavily on her mind, and writing to her father had done little to ease the pain within her heart. Sitting alone in the home she had shared with her mother wasn't helping any either.

Hawke embraced the comforting smells of incense and the warm glow of the candles as she made her way to the rear west wall of the main floor. The memorial wall was large, sadly, with the names of those whose time had come to an end. She read the names, some familiar to be relatives of nobles in Hightown, others long forgotten by the city and history itself. So much death, so many souls now at the side of the Maker. She was surprised to see Wesley Vallen was one of the more recently added names, directly beside Leandra Amell. Hawke went to her knees, almost as if the weight of their deaths had pushed her down.

"I hope you don't mind," his familiar voice said behind her.

"A thoughtful gesture," Hawke replied, tracing the script of her mother's name with her finger. "Even in death, the name Hawke is forgotten."

Sebastian moved to stand beside her. "I did not mean to offend. I can change it if you wish."

Hawke shook her head. "No need. She would've wanted it that way. Bringing the Amell family name back to Hightown was her purpose here, so it's appropriate. Thank you Sebastian, really."

Retrieving the quill and ink from a small table beside the wall, Sebastian handed her the items. "The Hawke name is as important to Kirkwall as Amell."

Along the bottom row of names, beside Wesley and Leandra, Hawke added two more: Bethany Hawke and Malcolm Hawke. Turning her gaze up to Sebastian, he nodded, already knowing what her question would be. "The wall is for all those you wish remembered," he added.

Finishing her row with Jeremy Arland, she handed the quill and inkbottle back to Sebastian. He returned them to the table, folded his hands, and bowed his head in prayer. "Ashes we were, and ashes we become. Maker, give these men and women a place at your side. Let us find comfort in the peace they have found, in eternity."

"Wesley used that verse for Bethany when she died," Hawke whispered. "These five people here have all gone to the Maker, and may He forgive me, they went by my hand."

Sebastian knelt beside her. "Hawke, their deaths are not your fault. You can't possibly think..."

She offered him a weak smile. "I seek absolution for my sins Sebastian, not excuses for why they are not mine."

Sebastian wondered why she felt such guilt for their deaths, but knew now wasn't the time to ask her as she sat in mourning and reflection. He remained beside her, offering his silent comfort.


	40. Non-Quest: A Brother's Love

Sebastian had offered his silent comfort to her last night, so Hawke wasn't surprised when he showed up at the estate early the next morning to escort her to the Gallows. Their friendship seemed to be blossoming into something much deeper, the way he continued to support and encourage her. It was nice, much more than she ever thought possible with the Chantry Brother, and his continued presence made her smile.

Even during the difficult times.

"Are you ready?" Sebastian asked, standing in her foyer dressed in his armor.

Hawke gave him a warm grin. "Expecting trouble?"

Sebastian laughed. "One can never be too cautious when it comes to you Hawke," he said in jest. "Especially if I am to escort you through the Gallows."

Allowing his kind nature to ease her fears, Hawke tried to think positively as they moved through the city. She hadn't seen her brother since Leandra's death, and Hawke wasn't sure what kind of reception she in for. But maybe time had healed some of their wounds, at least she hoped, so she refused to let her nerves consume her.

When they arrived at the Gallows, the Templars were running drills in the courtyard. Hawke realized they had never been there so early in the morning, early enough that no mages were permitted outside of their quarters yet. It was overwhelming to see so many of the mage hunters together, enough that she reconsidered her visit.

Sebastians gentle hand on the base of her spine nudged her forward, and the two waited at the top of the stairs for the Templars to finish. Cullen had noticed their arrival and made his way toward them with a welcoming smile. It seemed no matter what her insides were feeling, the warmth from Cullen combined with Sebastian's support kept her from bolting.

"I take it you're here to see your brother?" Cullen asked.

Hawke nodded. "If that's possible. I probably should've asked for a visit first, but..."

Cullen interrupted her. "It's alright," he assured her. "We expected you sooner given the, uhm, circumstances. My condolences Hawke."

Hawke hadn't realized in avoiding Carver she also hadn't seen Cullen since everything had happened. "Thank you," she replied, hating the awkwardness that speaking of someone's passing always blanketed over a conversation. "Mother always had a kind word to say about you," she added, recalling the many times her mother had mentioned Cullen after a visit with Carver.

"She will be missed by many, I'm sure," Cullen added. "If you'd like to wait over here until morning practice is over..."

"Thank you," Sebastian answered for her, as Cullen escorted them to a bench on the far side of the courtyard.

Hawke couldn't sit though, her nerves returning as she scanned the faces of the Templars in the crowd. Cullen had gone to the instructor and informed him that Carver had a visitor, and the instructor called for Carver to drop out of line. She watched as her brother approached the Knight-Captain and learned she was there, studying his expression for any hint of disappointment as his eyes met hers.

"Hello sister," Carver said when he'd reached them, neutrality in his tone. His eyes narrowed at Sebastian beside her. "I'm sorry, I feel like I know you but I do not recall your name?"

Sebastian extended his hand to the younger Hawke. "Sebastian Vael," he introduced himself formally, though Hawke took notice he did not call himself a Prince nor a Brother. "I owe your sister for helping in the vengeance of my family's murder."

"Right, that was it." Carver accepted his hand. "Carver Hawke, though you probably knew that already."

Dropping his hand, Sebastian bowed slightly to the both of them. "I shall leave you to your visit," he stated. "When you're ready to leave, I'll be speaking with Cullen on the progress of the Starkhaven mages."

"Thank you," Hawke said to Sebastian as he left.

"Shall we?" Carver gestured to the bench.

Now that the moment had arrived and she was alone with her brother, Hawke's nerves returned at full strength. He looked good, almost happy even, his skin a bit darker from the constant sun of patrols she assumed. His eyes no longer held an uncertainty, instead there was determination there, a purpose, and she hoped that maybe he had finally found his place in this world.

Carver appraised her with the same scrutiny. His sister appeared tired to him, sadder than he was used to seeing her. Even in the worst of times she always had some inner glow about her, but looking at her now his concern grew. "So tell me," he started, attempting to break the tension between them. "What have you been up to?"

Hawke filled him in on just that, everything that she had been involved in since they had last seen each other. From the problems with the Qunari to all of the problems her friends had needed help with, Hawke told him everything. Eventually her tales led up to what had happened to their mother, and she gave him only the briefest description. He didn't need to know the gruesome details, or be subjected to the nightmares she herself had endured because of it.

It was cathartic for her to release some of what she'd been holding back from her friends, telling the only person who knew her complete history how some of the recent events had affected her. Spilling her deepest secrets to her father in letters was one thing, but to be able to tell someone face to face her struggles and fears was comforting. He listened as he always did, and his support gave her the courage to face that final demon between them.

"Carver, if I ask you something, do you promise to give me an honest answer?"

"Of course," he replied.

"Would you still hate me if I had taken you to the Deep Roads?" she asked, needing to know. "Do you think if I had, that would've changed anything between us?" She searched his eyes for the truth, knowing she'd see it there before it left his lips.

Carver sighed. "I don't hate you Marian. Do you really believe that?"

Hawke looked away, not wishing her brother to see the tears forming in her eyes. She saw Sebastian watching her from across the courtyard, and he gave her a curious glance as to the sadness in her expression. It appeared as if he were about to walk over to her, but she shook her head and gave him a small smile. He returned the gesture, which comforted her enough to face her brother again.

"Don't you?" she asked, unable to hide the sadness behind her words. "I've done nothing but let you down since you were born. I was hardly there for you growing up, and then after Father died..." she couldn't finish that thought, the pain of it all flooding to the surface. "I couldn't save him, or Bethany, or Mother... I didn't want to take you because I didn't want to lose you too. People I love keep dying Carver, and I couldn't... I just couldn't..."

Carver pulled her into an embrace as the tears fell, her release of all the pain she had been carrying causing her sobs to become near hysteric. He stroked her hair and held her tight, wishing he could take some of her pain away. "I have never hated you," he whispered in her ear, his own emotions surfacing as well. "Believe me when I tell you this, please."

The only image that stuck in her mind was the day she had returned from the Deep Roads; her brother in his Templar uniform and her mother begging for him not to join. She was so certain her brother hated her that day, and every day since, and even more so now that Leandra was gone. It was the last time the three of them were together. The last of her family.

Over and over she repeated apologies into his chest, and his heart ached for her. His sister had always carried such burdens, often unnecessarily, and he didn't know how to relieve her of such sadness. "You did everything within your power to save them all," Carver continued, trying to convince her. "It is not your fault. You must stop thinking this way. I don't understand why you punish yourself like this."

It's what she knew to be true. No matter what words he offered, or how much anyone could tell her otherwise, Hawke felt responsible for all of the loss in her life. If only she had done things differently, made one choice instead of the other, the rest of her family would still be alive.

She allowed the warmth of his embrace to sooth her for a few more minutes before pulling away. He wiped her cheeks with his thumb and kissed her forehead. "Please Marian," Carver repeated. "Stop this. You'll drive yourself mad."

Hawke managed a weak smile. "Perhaps I'm already there," she whispered in a teasing voice, though sometimes she wondered if she was on the brink of madness herself. Not wishing to completely ruin her first visit with Carver, she pushed down the remaining guilt and gathered what little strength she could find within herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't come here to get all mushy on you."

"Do so whenever you need," Carver stated, brushing the hair away from her face. "I will make sure I am available to you." He knew her better than she thought he did, because he knew this was just the beginning of her facing her guilt. Trying to lighten her mood, he flashed her a mischievous grin. "Would you like a tour of the inside of the Gallows?"

Hawke hit him playfully on the chest, but his plan had worked as she smiled. "I think I'll pass, being what I am and all," she replied. "You really do like it here though don't you?"

"I do," Carver admitted. "I can do good here. And keep you out of trouble in the process."

"My brother," she sighed, though finally coming around to his decision to join the Order. "I am so very proud of you. You _will_ do good here, I'm sure of it."

"Just following in my sister's footsteps," he said honestly.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I had a good visit with Carver today, I'm sure you saw and I hope it made you happy. I know I was, finally facing my fears of seeing him and not being met with the hatred I thought I'd find. He seems to be doing well, really well, and you'd be proud of him I'm sure. I can't wait to share with the others how our meeting went. I think I'm facing our future sibling relationship with a happier heart than I was this morning._

_I miss you. I know I've said it before, but I really do miss you. Seeing Carver always reminds me of you, the two of you so strong and yet so soft in how you've treated me. I was afraid he would hate me, but he proved to me today that he loves me, and has always loved me, and there is nothing more I could ever want from him. Knowing I still have him is a positive in my life that I need to hold on to, to help me through the darker times._

_And then there's Sebastian. Maker help me, I have no idea what's happening there. The more time we spend together the less time I want to spend away from him. He came with me to see Carver, and then took me home, and never once does he have expectations of anything in return. He's easy to fall in love with Father, and I struggle against those feelings, because I know nothing good can come of them. His future is as unclear as mine is, as any of ours are, but still there's no denying something is happening._

_We haven't discussed our feelings since the last time, when I confronted him on his feelings for me and how he no doubt felt they were a sin against the Maker. And while I expect him to make the next move, since he is the one fighting that war within himself, I find myself having the same trouble. Can I just give in? What harm would that do to him, or to myself?_

_A thought for another day I suppose. Goodnight Father._


	41. Forbidden Knowledge

_Dearest Father,_

_I received a letter from Idunna today, that blood mage from a few years ago that nearly had me slit my own neck? Lovely woman, and though everyone thought I was crazy, I felt spending time in the Gallows was better than death for her punishment._

_Anyway, she wrote me to let me know that she has found peace with herself and is seeking absolution from the Maker. With that in mind, she revealed to me that Tarohne, the woman she was working for, had stashed several tomes containing dark secrets around Kirkwall and the surrounding country. Protected by demons forged into their very bindings, she asked that I find and destroy them before others follow her dark path. Seemed like an urgent matter to take on, so I asked Sebastian, Isabela, and Fenris to help me._

_I also asked Sebastian if he'd stop in and see Idunna when he visited the Starkhaven mages still in the Gallows. He wasn't there the day Carver, Fenris and Varric joined me to interrogate Idunna, so he wasn't aware of what she had done. I didn't bother to tell him though; if she wished to confess to him, that was her business, but I wanted him to see her with an open and caring mind._

_We met some heavy resistance tracking these books down; shades, abominations, desire demons, rage demons, corpses... the list goes on. Thankfully I had the two rogues with me too because when we went to the Wounded Coast, Sundermount, and the Bone Pit, there were a ton of traps to get through before we even found the books._

_Amazing how one of these books was sitting in the throne room of the Keep! How did no one notice it was just laying there, on a bench, for any curious wanderer to pick up? Doubtful it would've been a mage to find it there, so I suppose we should be grateful for that, but still. The guards turned a blind eye while we battled the demons in the throne room. I wonder what excuse they came up with when dragging the corpses out of there after we left?_

_I think the one in the Chantry shocked Sebastian most of all. To think that among the many books written by Brother Genitivi about Andraste and the Maker was an evil tome of corruption that could turn a mage on to the darkest of magic. I'm thankful Merrill wasn't with us; I have no doubt she'd be very upset for me destroying the books. I still worry about her Father; her involvement with blood magic and demons terrifies me, and I can't help but feel something will go terribly wrong if she continues to dance with danger. Maybe I'll have a chat with her about it, see where her head is at these days._

_Anyway, we destroyed the Chantry book, and then removed the corpses ourselves, not wishing to leave such desecration within the walls of the holy place._

_Clues within each of the tomes had led us to Darktown, where the Fell Grimoire rested on an altar as if some sacred relic. No surprise we had to battle a desire demon at the end with several rage demons and revenants in her command. That entire group Idunna and Tarohne were with had been promised their deepest desires. Thankfully though she didn't offer us anything, because I don't think Sebastian could've faced another verbal showdown with a desire demon. Not after the last one enticed him with power and riches to take over Starkhaven._

_The trip back to Hightown led to an interesting conversation though between Sebastian and Isabela. The two of them hadn't traveled much with me together, so Isabela assumed Sebastian was going to preach to her about her... hmm, free ways I guess I'd call it. He surprised her though; in fact he surprised me too._

"I won't preach to you Isabela," Sebastian informed her. "Preaching seldom works. Besides, I'd be a hypocrite to do so, as I used to be a lot like you."

Isabela rolled her eyes. "Now this I have to hear."

"Before I came here, I used to be out to all hours, drinking and whoring," he said. "I didn't believe in anything except my own pleasure."

Hawke laughed to herself. "And why couldn't I have known you back then?" she asked, though nearly kicked herself after having done so.

Sebastian flashed her a bright wide smile, which eased her embarrassment. "I doubt you would have associated with me back then Hawke. I took what I wanted without care or consequence. Broke many hearts in Starkhaven and the neighboring towns. It's part of why I was sent to the Chantry, disgracing my families name as I did."

"Well in that case, I'm glad I know you now then," she said softly.

"Careful Hawke," Isabela warned behind them. "He may not be whoring, but he can still break your heart."

_And it's true Father, he so easily could. The more time we spend together the further I fall into the depths of his blue eyes. Yet at any moment he can make the decision to remain a Brother to the Chantry and be gone. I pushed him in that direction because I thought it'd make him happy, and now I wish I were more selfish and convinced him to fight for Starkhaven._

_It's his choice, and I can't help but wonder if I insist on taking him with me on these missions so that I sway the vote in my favor. Is that wrong of me? Maybe I should back off, give him some space to sort things out. _

_I wish I had a female friend to turn to for advice on this sort of thing. Aveline, well, we all know how her relationship skills are. Isabela doesn't care for any relationships and Merrill, well I'm not so sure Merrill has ever been in love before. She's never mentioned it if she has, though the way her clansfolk look at her I don't think any of them are interested. Poor girl._

_Maybe Lady Elegant can help. Either way, I'll leave Sebastian to the Chantry next time. Maybe some distance is what he needs, what we both need. _


	42. Questioning Beliefs: Anders

_Dearest Father,_

_I went to see Anders today, mostly because he's been really reclusive lately. He comes out when I ask him to, but he doesn't bother to come visit me like he used to when I lived at Gamlen's. Now I have to hunt him down, and more and more I noticed his clinic was closed. I didn't want to pry, because according to Varric he's still harboring feelings for me so I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. But I finally caught up with him and found out what he's been up to._

_He softened my heart when I first entered the clinic, putting out milk for any stray cats that may be thirsty. It was a gentler side I hadn't seen before; no Justice, no vengeance, just the kind hearted man that heals refugees from Ferelden for no coin and offers treats to the local strays. I wish he were like this all the time Father, so gentle and sweet. Of course it didn't take long for our conversation to turn unpleasant._

_Anders began by thanking me, for making a name for myself in Kirkwall. He claims it's done a lot for mages, me up in Hightown having come from the streets of Lowtown. Sure I worked hard at it, and sacrificed a lot to get to where I am now, but that had nothing to do with me being a mage and everything to do with giving Mother back what she had lost. I don't think Anders sees it that way though._

_He said I was the type of leader his circle of apostates needed, that I was some kind of spokesperson that could tell the world we won't be punished any longer for our Maker given gifts. That's when I realized the depth of what he was up to, why he had begun hiding himself away._

_I told him there was no way I was going to volunteer to lead his revolution. Is it strange that as a mage I say I don't agree with his plight that all mages should be free? Look at all the free mages I've come across in the last 4 years? Not one of them has been innocent of any wrong doing. Are there good mages in the world? Maker I hope so, but I've seen more bad than good, so no, I don't want freedom for all mages._

_Anders pleaded with me. Told me that the mages he's associated with look up to me, that they want what I have. Honestly Father I have no idea why I am allowed to walk free, and in the public eye no less. I don't know if it's Carver or Cullen protecting me behind the Gallows walls. Or maybe it's just dumb luck. Or maybe the knight-commander is using me as an example as much as Anders wants to; that she's counting on me doing something so horrific one day that she can say, "See? I tried to give a mage her freedom, and look what happened!"_

_I made the mistake of asking him if the Circle was so bad. That didn't go over well at all. He brought up you and Mother, asking me why I thought you both had fought so hard to keep Bethany and I out of the Circle. He said you are tormented, told every day that you were born with sin, that the Maker hated you. Anders said he saw more mages die from suicide than demons._

_There was similar talk from Grace about the Starkhaven Circle. Are they all corrupt Father? Are none of them assisting the mages as they should? While Anders wanting to free the mages I can support and get behind, only because of what he's told me, I can not lead them. If they are truly good, and I hope they are for Anders to be consorting with them, then they deserve a chance to try I suppose as much as I have been given the opportunity. If only this was all Anders wanted._

_When he began going on about how the Chantry itself must be overturned, that there was in fact a revolution forming, I had to take a step back. Mages are born mages, Templars are created by man. That's what he said, and he's right, but again I have seen too many bad things happen because of mages that have used their gifts to hurt people. As the guard polices the citizens, the Templars need to police the mages._

_It's something he and I will never agree on, and I have a feeling you and I wouldn't either Father._

_Thankfully I ended our talk on a positive note, asking him why none of my friends can ever strive to be the best wallop player or something. That got him to laugh, and it was nice to see him smile again, even if only for a moment. Then he said he wouldn't be doing what he was doing without my support, that there was no way he could keep Justice from surfacing without me. "I know you won't let me lose myself to him," he had said._

_No pressure there, right? I feel like I can barely keep control of myself these days, and now Anders has willingly placed his sanity in my hands. With all that he's involved in, I can't be with him every day and night. What if something happens while they are attempting to free mages from the Gallows? What if he gets caught, and Justice reveals himself to the Templars? They'll run their blades through him without hesitation, thinking he's an abomination!_

_I love that he trusts me this much, and I hate it all the same. He's unknowingly put this weight upon my shoulders that I just don't know if I can carry. His faith in me, in my ability to protect him from the spirit that possesses him... I can't do it Father. I don't even know how, or if, I could do it again._

_Maker, please don't let me fail my friend. I don't think I could live with myself if something were to happen to him. To any of them. They have all become my family now, and the thought of losing them terrifies me._

_Sorry to lay all this on you Father, but my vow to avoid the Chantry has left me with few options to turn to in my need for comfort. At least I have you, somewhere, looking out for me. I will do what I can for Anders, and if that means assisting him with the freeing of mages I will. I must protect my friends as they have done for me. Maybe if I keep an eye on who he is letting go free, I can make sure nothing bad happens. _

_Or at least try._


	43. Night Terrors

_Dearest Father,_

_For a while now I was putting off visiting Arianni in the alienage. Mostly because I usually have Fenris with me, and he despises the place, but also because the letter she had sent me was worrisome. She said that Feynriel's nightmares had returned, and neither the Keeper nor the first enchanter knew how to help. What good would I be when those two didn't have the answers? But something told me I should go and look into it, now rather than later, so I went._

_Varric, Fenris, and Aveline joined me in visiting the lowest corner of Lowtown. We met with Arianni, who was heartbroken when I spoke with her. Feynriel refused to see her, sent her away, and she just got word that two days ago Feynriel fell into a nightmare and has yet to return. _

_If only I had gone sooner, maybe I could've prevented this. But I was too wrapped up in my own business, and didn't want to face what I knew I would have to, so I avoided her._

_Arianni said Feynriel was near death, according to the Keeper. My guilt in delaying the inevitable had me agreeing to anything, so when Arianni told me that Keeper Marethari had an idea for a ritual to go after Feynriel in the Fade, I volunteered. Aveline immediately disagreed with me, stating that what we were going to attempt was best left for the Circle. But if only someone Feynriel trusts could reach him, it would have to be me, and it would have to be today._

_Marethari arrived, and filled us in on what exactly was we were dealing with. Feynriel is what's called a Dreamer, someone who has the ability to manipulate the Fade. A very rare talent because of the demons they attract. If a demon was successful in inhabiting one of these Dreamers, they very well could be unstoppable. I tried not to think about it, people out there with the power to manipulate dreams. It's frightening to imagine, as Marethari explained that Tevinter Dreamers used to enter the minds of the enemy just to kill them in their sleep._

_The Keeper gave me one more bit of news, one that did not sit well with me. She told me that if we can not stop the demons from possessing Feynriel, then it was up to me to kill him, thus making him Tranquil. I was honest with her when I told her that becoming Tranquil was Feynriel's greatest fear, and it was not something I was prepared to do. She seemed reluctant to send me after that, but what other choice was there?_

_We have one hour before Marethari is ready to perform the ritual. Aveline didn't want to come; said she wouldn't be of any use in a realm of dreams and magic. Fenris was hesitant, but said he'd go if I asked him to, which I did. Of course Varric was fascinated, and had no problem jumping into the Fade. As a dwarf, it's probably one of the few opportunities he'll get to visit, and then no doubt will have a million stories from it I'm sure._

_With Aveline out, I needed to choose one more person. Marethari warned me to choose carefully, that temptation may be too great for some. That immediately counted Isabela out in my mind; she'd probably give up a leg for a ship or something, so I opted not to even bother asking her. Between you and I Father, I would never trust Merrill in the Fade. Maker knows what other deals with demons she'd agree to. I also wouldn't think to ask Sebastian; crossing the Veil would go against everything he believes in. Which only left me Anders._

_He was hesitant at first. His main concern, and rightly so, is Justice. How would a trip to the Fade effect the spirit within? Anders isn't sure, and neither am I, but I guess we'll find out. I don't know if there's any chance of you finding a way to me while I'm there, but if it's possible, well, you know where I'll be._

* * *

"It is good to feel the breath of the Fade again, not the empty air of your world."

As they feared, Justice was the dominant one in the Fade. Hawke tried to reach out to Anders, but her efforts were met with nothing but resistance. The spirit was almost annoyed at Hawke for her attempts, but seemed a willing companion in the hunt for Feynriel.

"Come," Justice called. "I sense Feynriel's mind straining. We will not have much time."

Justice led the way, and Hawke was more than willing to give up the leadership role. She hated to admit it, but having the spirit with them seemed to be beneficial. He seemed to somehow feel his way around the large complex of distorted hazed halls that they were dropped into. Varric and Fenris followed Hawke, both unusually silent given the circumstances.

The first demon to approach them was a sloth demon. Justice warned about relaxing around it, but Hawke had no intention of even opening a discussion. Destroying the demon seemed almost too easy; as quickly as it appeared, it diminished back into whatever realm it came from.

After the battle, Justice proceeded down a long hallway, where Hawke finally saw Feynriel. The others in her group were cut off from her as she entered some strange recollection from Feynriel's mind. It was the boy and his father, a loving, tender scene, and Hawke understood now how easy the temptations must be in this place. What she wouldn't give to have the opportunity, though now she kept that thought furthest from her mind.

From all Arianni had told them about Feynriel's father, Hawke knew this vision was false. It was only a demon in disguise, preying on Feynriel's hope that his father had been in his life growing up. Hawke managed to convince the boy, prodded his true memories that did not involve the man, and Feynriel ran from the dream.

A desire demon shifted from the form of Feynriel's father, and the barrier was dropped, allowing Hawke's companions to join her once more. They quickly destroyed the desire demon, and Justice wasted no time leading them to the next area of the Fade where Feynriel had gone to. The only obstacle in their way was a few rage demons.

"This is the dreamer's power," Justice explained. "In his anger over his father, he unknowingly summoned these creatures. He is a danger Hawke - to himself and others."

Hawke wasn't interested in the spirit's opinion, but after another scenario played out before her, she was beginning to think Justice was right; Feynriel still had no control over his power, and would not have survived if it weren't for them. This time it was Marethari telling Feynriel how his magic will save the Dalish, casting him as a hero to his people.

The pride demon didn't go away as easily as the desire, sloth, or rage demons. And Hawke realized now what Marethari warned against: temptation. Justice could not be tempted, and being a dwarf , the demon didn't know what to make of Varric. Hawke kept her mind as focused as possible to prevent the demon's intrusion into her thoughts. So Fenris became the demon's target.

"Those who are free to choose, always want power," the demon said. "You think your friends are different? You think this slave would choose you over his freedom?"

Hawke turned to look at Fenris, knowing his past had always haunted him. She was relieved when he responded defiantly to the demon. "Cast your eyes elsewhere, demon. I won my freedom from the magisters long ago."

It wasn't enough. The demon kept at him, promising power to destroy Danarius and any who would harm him again. It was a gift too tempting to resist, and Fenris accepted.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I can not shake the image of Fenris fighting me in the Fade. My best friend, my ever strong rock of support throughout these last few years, turned on me for a promise of power. The one thing he always feared I'd do if given the chance, accept a demon's offer, and he did it while standing beside me. Ignored us all for a chance at revenge against Danarius._

_I can't really blame him. It's a torment that he has been living with for as long as he can remember, literally. But being put in the position of having to kill him, even if it was only his image in the Fade, still will haunt my dreams, I am certain. He apologized for his weakness, not realizing he was susceptible to such influence, but didn't say anything more on the walk home. I'm glad he didn't, for right now I have no idea what I would say to him._

_As for Feynriel, that didn't end as I had planned either. After the fight with Fenris, Justice took us to another room where the boy was waiting for us. Feynriel thanked me for saving his life, claimed the Fade felt different to him now, and that he knew he could wake himself up. He seemed so proud of himself in that moment Father, so certain that he had a grasp on his powers._

_I was almost convinced that he had. I was ready to walk away, leave the Fade and let him continue his life with the Dalish mastering his new ability. Even Varric said he may be ready. _

_But something stirred within me, something that Feynriel said had my stomach in knots and my heart pounding. He said he wasn't staying with the Dalish, that he wanted to instead go to Tevinter, find someone there to study under, and all I kept thinking about was Fenris, Danarius, and what the mages are like in Tevinter. If Feynriel ended up confiding in the wrong person, in a blood mage..._

_I wonder if it was because we were in the Fade that Justice was able to read my thoughts. He knew my intentions I think before I did, as he positioned himself in front of the boy. If we hadn't gone to the Fade, if I hadn't talked Feynriel out of both scenarios where he was tempted, he may have given in. And I couldn't let him go to Tevinter. Marethari was right. Feynriel is a danger, no matter how successful we were in getting through to him._

_I could not take that risk, Father. And so I killed Feynriel in the Fade, ending life as he knew it. _

_Maker why, why did I have to do this? Why was I the one who willingly ran to the Fade and was forced to practically murder this boy, who like me, had no control in being born with the power he possessed? He is Tranquil now because of me. A walking statue as his mother had said. Arianni ran to him; Maker knows what she will find when she reaches him. A shadow of the son she once knew._

_And all because of me._


	44. Book of Shartan - Fenris Night Terrors

Hawke entered the mansion with hopes of clearing the air between her and Fenris. After what happened in the Fade, he kept his distance, even avoiding their usual gatherings at the Hanged Man. Hoping to break the ice with a book she discovered, she walked up the stairs to the main room in which Fenris could usually be found.

"I have something for you," Hawke said as she settled into the chair across from him. She placed the book on the table and slid it toward him.

Fenris eyed the book with curiosity. He traced the title embedded in the leather cover with his fingertips. "A book?"

"Written by Shartan," Hawke informed him. "We've spoken about him before, remember?"

The warrior nodded, hand still hovering over the letters. "Hawke..."

She was apprehensive about giving him the gift in the first place; a book about a former slave may be too touchy a subject. The tone with which he said her name confirmed her fears. "You hate it," Hawke said, pulling the book out from under his grasp. "I'm sorry, I thought that maybe..."

"It's not that," Fenris insisted, knowing where her thoughts were headed. "In the Imperium, slaves are not permitted to read, or even learn how. Safer to pass along correspondence if your messenger doesn't know what he holds in his hands."

Hawke shook her head at the thought of him not being able to read. "All this time and you've never said anything?"

He shrugged. "It's never come up."

She had to laugh, and slid the book toward him again. "Well now's your chance," Hawke told him. "During the times that we are not killing something, or each other, you'll learn."

Hawke's comment about them killing each other reminded him they had not seen each other since Feynriel's death. "I've been thinking about what happened in the Fade," Fenris said. "That a demon could've played so easily on my fears... disturbs me."

Hawke knew Fenris carried guilt over what had happened, and it pained her heart to see him struggle with his choice when it wasn't his fault. "Fenris, the demon was using magic on your mind. It's as simple as that, really. Do not blame yourself for what happened, I don't blame you. I was more upset about having to fight you; that was the most unpleasant experience out of all of it."

Fenris nodded. "A strange sensation, not being in control of my actions, watching as we fought. Certainly not pleasant for me either, and yet you bested me at that too." He paused for a moment, trying to shake the image from his mind. "That demon did not manage to influence you, however. For all your talk of concern that you may slip, you prove yet again you are stronger than you realize."

Hawke stood and then sat beside him on the bench. "I am strong because of those I keep beside me Fenris, and that includes you."

Fenris turned to her. "I failed you Hawke. But I will not let that happen again."

"I know you won't," she said, and meant it. "Please also remember that I am here for you as well, always. If, or when, you decide to hunt down Danarius, know that you have friends now that will help you. You will never need the power some demon can give you if we are all together."

A small smile curled his lips. "Three years ago I would have doubted that statement. I am glad I decided to remain in Kirkwall."

Hawke couldn't help but laugh. "And befriended a mage too!" she said, playfully bumping into his shoulder with hers. "I am glad you stayed as well, and I promise no more trips to the Fade, at least not anytime soon."

Fenris smirked. "Thank the Maker for that." He studied her for a moment, and then said, "Hawke, you don't have any doubts about what happened to the boy, do you?"

She looked away, refusing to meet his gaze. "Doubts, regrets, I've had it all over the last few days. Tell me I did the right thing Fenris. I need to hear it."

"It was the right thing to do, and you know it because you made the decision. You don't need to hear it from me," he said.

Hawke turned to look at him, a pleading sadness in her eyes. "Who am I to decide the fate of a mage, or Dreamer? I'm an apostate myself Fenris."

"One who knows the dangers with which that entails," Fenris reminded her.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_The visit with Fenris went well, I think. A few awkward moments but we ended the day by going over the first chapter of the book I gave him. I was embarrassed when he told me he couldn't read, felt like an idiot for not realizing it before, and here I go bringing him a book of all things. He isn't one to ask for help, or admit his flaws, and I'm sure in that moment he felt like less of a person because of my gift. I will change that for him Father. I will make sure, or at least try, to give him back everything Danarius stole from him, including his freedom._

_My freedom however has been on my mind a lot recently. After Feynriel, it's hard not to think about. I want to ask Carver if he knows anything about why Meredith allows me to live as I do, but I don't want to put him in that position. I'd never ask him to take a side, mine or the Templars, but by asking him what he knows I'd be doing exactly that._

_It's not an impossibility though, the answer I seek. There's always Cullen. Even though he and I haven't shared words since I visited Carver, maybe it's time to mend that bridge. He had kind words to say about Mother; and deep down I know he has a good soul. In all honesty, I have missed his friendship as well._

_On the subject of missing someone, maybe I'll take Sebastian with me to the Gallows. He was such a support last time, and my avoiding him isn't working out as well as I planned. It's causing me misery, not seeing his smile, or the softness in his eyes. He may have no idea what he wants, but I know what I want, and this distance thing isn't working for me. I should probably tell him what happened with Feynriel too. I want to go to Sundermount, to see for myself what I've done. I think I need to, and I know I'll want Sebastian with me when I go._

_I wonder if he's missed me too?_


	45. Bounty Hunter

She had missed him. Hawke didn't realize how much until his blue eyes were shining back at her when she entered the Chantry. "Hello Sebastian," she said with a warm smile.

His face lit up when she walked through the doors, and now he stood nearly as giddy as a child. "Hawke! I was wondering when you'd stop by. I told myself I'd come find you by weeks end if you hadn't."

"Oh?" Hawke raised her brow. "And what would you have said?"

Sebastian grinned. "That I have missed your company of course. I half thought maybe you were avoiding me."

"Pft," she said dismissively, but then her impossible need to be honest crept into her heart. "Alright, maybe a little."

The immediate sadness in his expression pained her to see. "Have I done something that has offended you?" he asked sincerely.

Hawke shook her head. "No, nothing like that. I just thought maybe we needed some time apart, that maybe you need some time. I don't know. I also might have been doing some things you wouldn't approve of, or at least wouldn't want to be involved in."

"I see," Sebastian responded. "Dangerous things?" He carefully avoided her other reason, saving that discussion for a later time.

She shrugged. "If you're up for a trip to Sundermount, I can explain on the way. Just you, me, and Fenris, if that's okay."

"Of course," he nodded. "Let me get my bow and we'll be off."

Hawke watched as he retreated to the room he had in the Chantry. She couldn't help herself as she wandered to the memorial wall, and eyed the names that he had allowed her to add. It was still hard to believe her mother was gone, though some time had passed. She wondered if she'd ever get used to it.

"Hawke," Elthina's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Grand Cleric," Hawke nodded when she reached the platform where Elthina stood. "It is good to see you again." The last time Hawke had seen Elthina was when Sebastian was begging for a chance to return to the Chantry. The time before that it was a fight about mages and Ser Alrik. But still, the woman was the Grand Cleric, and a friend to Sebastian, so Hawke offered her the respect she deserved.

Elthina smiled. "It is good to see you as well child. I had hoped to have a word."

Hawke took a deep breath. "I'm free now if you'd like to talk."

The Grand Cleric folded her hands on front of her. "I noticed a few more names on the memorial wall," she said, "and realized I have not had the opportunity to offer my condolences."

"Thank you, Your Grace," Hawke said.

"Did you know I dedicated your mother into the Chantry?" Elthina asked.

Hawke shook her head. "No, I wasn't aware."

"She was a beautiful baby," Elthina continued. "Your grandmother was normally a very proper lady, but she was beside herself that day. And Leandra, I'll never forget she nearly put her first in my eye, such a precious innocent." She moved closer to Hawke and lowered her voice. "We may not see eye to eye when it comes to Sebastian, or the mages in Kirkwall, or even the Qunari, whatever your stance may be. But I know you do good in this city, and have restored the Amell name among the nobles of Kirkwall. I have no doubt your mother would be proud."

Hawke was surprised to hear these words from the Grand Cleric, and she thanked her sincerely. "That's kind of you to say. I can only hope I continue to do so," she responded.

"The Maker asks for no more from us than trying our best," Elthina said, and she took a step away from Hawke when she heard Sebastian come down the stairs. "You two be safe out there," she added when Sebastian had joined them.

Hawke remained quiet as they exited the Chantry and made their way toward Fenris' mansion. When she reached for the door, Sebastian stopped her. "Is everything alright Hawke?" he asked. "Did the Grand Cleric say something to upset you?"

She offered Sebastian her best fake smile. "I'm fine," Hawke tried to assure him. "She was merely offering her sympathy."

Sebastian took her hand in his. "I am not blind to the sadness in your eyes Hawke," he said.

Hawke shrugged. "Just waiting for the part where it gets easier to talk about," she told him honestly. "And we have a busy day ahead, so no time to get into it now." She released his hand reluctantly and entered the mansion. Fenris was more than willing to join them, and so the three made their way to Sundermount.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I went to Sundermount today in search of Feynriel, to see what my actions had caused him to live with, and to see if I could find Arianni and apologize to her again. Although I suppose there isn't really a proper way to apologize for turning someone you love tranquil. I'm almost glad she wasn't there, because I don't know what I would've said to her._

_When we arrived, Keeper Marethari informed us that Feynriel was no longer staying with them. His presence was a distraction to the Dalish, and more than a few complained that it was awkward having him around. I don't blame them, honestly. I was having a hard enough time bringing myself to see him. He willingly went to the Gallows, so it seemed that would be our next stop._

_Before returning to Kirkwall, Marethari asked a favor of us, which I gladly offered our assistance. One of the Starkhaven mages had escaped the Gallows and was hiding on top the mountain. I was glad I brought Sebastian with me; I had hoped a few words from him would convince this mage to return. Innley was his name, though we didn't get to have much of a conversation before he began summoning things for us to kill._

_Another blood mage. When we got the Gallows, we reported the news to Cullen, who informed us there were two more missing mages, also suspected of blood magic. Why is there such desperation here Father? Is it only a matter of time before Anders and I fall victim to the demons?_

_Cullen asked for our help in finding the other two mages, which we did rather easily. One was in Darktown and the other on the Coast, and we were able to confirm that both had resorted to blood magic to survive. Unfortunately they weren't any more willing to talk than Innley was, and we were forced to take their lives._

_Three more mages, dead by my hands. I hate this Father, you have no idea how much I hate this._

_I was denied my request to speak with Feynriel. They have him locked up tight in the Gallows for now, unsure of his tranquility given his special circumstances. Cullen did tell me that Arianni had visited him though, only once, and ran from the Gallows in hysterics. She hasn't been back since._

_Fenris and I told Sebastian everything that happened in the Fade. I was surprised Fenris admitted his weakness, but I was touched by the way Sebastian responded - nothing but kindness, and he was insistent that Fenris forgive himself. Maybe Fenris will listen to Sebastian, because I know he's still feeling guilty and nothing I have said seems to change that._

_After we walked Fenris back to the mansion, Sebastian commended me for resisting temptation in the Fade. Though he wasn't pleased to learn that I had agreed to do such a thing, he was thankful that we were all okay, and begged me not to do it again. I assured him I wouldn't, unless the situation was dire, and even then I would discuss it with him first._

_Sebastian seemed reluctant to part company when we reached the steps to the Chantry. I was asked to make another promise - that I stop avoiding him and stop thinking that he needs space to work things through. Time, yes, he admitted to needing that. "But the more we are apart, the more my thoughts drift to you, so we might as well spend the time together," he said._

_I think I can live with that._

* * *

"Anders?"

He was clearly upset as he stormed into her study waving a parchment at her. "Tell me this is a joke? Tell me that you aren't working for the Templars now."

Hawke had just returned from the Gallows not more than an hour ago. Could news have spread that fast that she had apprehended the apostates? "What are you going on about?" she asked cautiously.

Anders handed her the crumbled paper he had been holding. There was a tear at the top, as if pulled from the Chanter's board perhaps? As she read, Hawke felt the color drain from her face. No, this was not how she wanted to be known in Kirkwall.

**On behalf of Knight-Commander Meredith,**  
**the Kirkwall Templar Order offers a gold bounty**  
**for the death or capture of several notorious apostates**  
**who have escaped the Gallows.**

**Follow the example of Serah Hawke,**  
**who valiantly apprehended many Starkhaven apostates in years past,**  
**thereby making the realm safer.**

The notice continued, listing the three mages that Hawke had just killed. She folded the parchment and placed it on the table, gesturing for Anders to have a seat beside her.

"Tell me it isn't true," he begged again.

But Hawke couldn't lie to him. "Anders," she began. "Did you free these mages?"

"Of course I did," Anders admitted without hesitation. "You let Karras live, and now every mage sent to the Gallows falls victim to his control."

"They were all blood mages Anders," Hawke informed him. "No, I am not working for Meredith or the Templars. I went to Sundermount today and the Keeper told me one of these mages was hiding there. Sebastian and I went to try and talk to him peacefully, but he attacked instead."

Anders huffed. "Sebastian, huh?"

Hawke narrowed her eyes at him. "Yes, Sebastian. Why? What does he have to do with it?"

"Chantry, Templars, they are all the same," Anders said as he stood, kicking his chair back. "You're a mage! I don't understand, whose side are you on?"

She shut her eyes, burying her face in her hands. "Anders," she whispered, but she knew he was already at the front door. Candles rattled against their sconces when he slammed the door.

A few moments later, Bodahn stood hesitantly in the doorway. "Messere? Everything alright?"

"It's fine Bodahn," Hawke assured him with a smile. "Thank you."

The dwarf bowed before leaving her alone to her thoughts.


	46. Fool's Gold

"Hawke, I need a favor." The nervous twitch in his voice sent warning bells shrieking in alarm in her head.

Hawke eyed Varric with a curious glance. "It's not often I hear those words from you, Varric," she said with a grin. She couldn't even remember the last time he'd ask for a favor.

Varric laughed. "Trust me Hawke, it's not often I say them."

"Alright then," she said, leaning back in her chair. "Out with it."

"It's for a friend in the Dwarven Merchant's Guild," Varric told her. "He's in Hightown, if you wouldn't mind the short walk to go talk to him."

"Now? I promised Sebastian a visit this morning," Hawke informed him. "Can it wait until this afternoon?"

"Even better, bring Choir Boy along," Varric insisted. "And drag Broody out of his mansion too. I have a feeling I'll need a lot of backup on this one."

Ah, so it was _that_ kind of favor. With a heavy sigh, Hawke reluctantly agreed to talk to Varric's friend. More so out of curiosity than anything else. "Alright Varric, lead the way."

After meeting up with Sebastian at the Chantry and asking Fenris to join them, the four made their way through Hightown to a small alcove just west of the Blooming Rose. Hawke saw an older dwarf with a very neat white beard standing beside a few crates. Next to him was an elf woman, and both their eyes widened as Hawke and her friends approached. Apparently in the company of Varric, they knew who she was.

At first Yevhen, the dwarf, seemed hostile toward Hawke, blaming her for his troubles. Unbelieving of the audacity of the dwarf, Hawke turned to Varric. "This is your favor? To be chastised by a man I've never even met?"

Varric shook his head and played the peace-keeper. "Yevhen's boys went venturing into the Deep Roads," Varric explained. "After hearing about our little adventure, they thought they could find some treasure of their own."

"Hawke isn't to blame," the elf, Dera, spoke up. "These aren't boys, they are grown men." She went on to explain how the three went alone, the middle son refusing to take anyone else for fear of having to share any reward they may find.

"Sounds familiar," Varric commented under his breath.

Yevhen and Dera continued to explain their dysfunctional family. Even though Dera was technically the servant of the house, she had raised Yevhen's children after their mother died. It was a sad story indeed, and it was clear they both cared deeply for the missing dwarves. Well, with the exception of Dera, who didn't hide her disgust for the middle son.

Their fear was that something terrible had happened to boys, as they went alone without the assistance of a full expedition crew like Bartrand had hired. With no mercenaries, no real fighting skill, or even supplies or food and water...

"So you want me to return to the Deep Roads and retrieve them?" Hawke asked.

"Yes," Yevhen said. "Please Serah Hawke, I don't know who else to turn to."

Hawke could feel Varric's eyes on her, waiting for her answer. "Give me a moment, please," she said as she walked away from them, needing space to think.

The only one to follow was Sebastian. He hadn't been there during the last trip to the Deep Roads, but he had heard enough from her companions to know it was not an easy task. "Hawke," he called to her softly, placing his hand on her shoulder. "What is it?"

She turned to look at him, his beautiful blue eyes full of concern. "Truth?"

"Of course," Sebastian said, his fingertips trailing from her shoulder, down her arm, to her hand, which he took in his and held.

"I don't want to go back," Hawke whispered so the others couldn't hear. "We were lucky last time, all of us making it out without being tainted. I don't want to push my luck, or risk the lives of my friends again. The last time brought up a lot of memories for me; my sister, who died because of the darkspawn, Aveline's husband Wesley, whom I killed with my own hands before the taint consumed him... The nightmares I had of that place, of being trapped..." she couldn't continue, her heart heavy from recalling the painful details.

Sebastian gently squeezed her hand. "You'll be prepared this time," he assured her. "No one is there to trap you, and you'll have me by your side."

Hawke shook her head. "I don't think I can."

"I know you Hawke," Sebastian stated, taking her other hand. "If you don't do this, and something happens to those dwarves, you'll never forgive yourself."

Sebastian wasn't wrong, she knew it as much as he did. What would be worse? Facing the demons of her past? Or living with the guilt of knowing she may have been able to save Yevhen's children should the worst happen? "You're right, of course," Hawke admitted.

His bright smile at her resolve was nearly reward enough.

Returning to Yevhen, Hawke agreed to help. "I'll do everything in my power to bring your sons home."

"Thank you messere," Yevhen replied. "Those boys are my life. They used the same passage you did. Please, find them, and bring them home."

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_I don't think I've ever been happier to see the gates of Kirkwall as I was today. Thankfully we didn't have to spend several weeks in the Deep Roads like the last time, but returning there was enough of a reminder of why I didn't want to go back in the first place. My living conscience, otherwise known as Sebastian, convinced me to go._

_He was right to do so. Yevhen's boys got themselves into some serious trouble, and we failed in saving all three. By the time we arrived, the middle son, Iwan, had abandoned his brothers for some legendary sword. We found Emerys easily enough, and he was the one that informed us Iwan had run off and locked their other brother Merin away to battle darkspawn on his own. The entire situation was a mess._

_Varric couldn't stop going on about the familiarity with this family and his own. I felt bad for bringing him along then, having not considered his feelings on returning to the site of Bartrand's betrayal, but Varric assured me he was fine with it._

_We were able to save Merin, but in spending time fighting the darkspawn in order to do so, we failed to save Iwan. I knew Dera wouldn't be so heartbroken over it, but no matter how rotten Iwan was, his father still felt the loss. Much to Varric's disappointment, I gave my portion of the reward to Sebastian for the Chantry. Our mission wasn't a complete success, and I didn't feel right keeping the gold for myself._

_We never did find the sword they were looking for._

_Sebastian surprised me in the confines of the stone. His calming tone convinced Emerys that Merin would be safe and sound, so much so he had me believing it too. I wanted to remind him not to make promises we weren't certain we could keep, but in the end he was right. I asked him on the way back what made him say such a thing, and he told me that choosing to save Merin instead of tracking down Iwan and the sword was the right thing to do, and so the Maker would reward us for the correct decision._

_Every time I think we're a step closer, Sebastian brings up his faith. I'm left wondering what the correct decision is for him, or if he even knows what he wants? He's attentive and kind, becoming bolder with his affections... and yet the Maker still plays a major role in his life._

_Where do I fit in?_


	47. Hometown Breed-Ladies Lights Out-Lowdown

"Thank you all for coming," Hawke said to her friends as they sat around her dining room table. "It's that time of year again, when it's up to us to take care of those destructive night gangs. And in honor of Sebastian joining us for the first time in these raids, I decided to make it a rogue night. Any objections?"

Varric shook his head. "Point the way Hawke, easy coin for a night's work."

"I love a good night on the town," Isabela said. "And the added bonus of getting their stuff!"

Hawke explained the usual plan for Sebastian. "We'll head out just after midnight. Isabela will be, well, Isabela, and flaunt herself as she does. Then when the gangs strike, we'll hit back."

"Is that not dangerous?" Sebastian asked, slightly concerned for the pirate.

"Watch and learn sweet thing," Isabela cooed. "Meet at the Hanged Man? I need to see Martin to stock up."

Hawke nodded. "We'll start there. The Dog Lords have been making life miserable for the locals. Even Gamlen's been complaining about the barking all night. A shame really that they are raising the mabari's to kill innocents. If you can, spare the dogs."

Sebastian couldn't help but smile. Here she was discussing the slaughter of several dozen men and women in the next few hours, and she was more concerned about the animals. "You never cease to amaze me Hawke," he said.

"What?" she asked innocently. "I love mabaris! I am from Ferelden after all." Her mabari, Talyn, as if on cue, released a long soulful howl from the living room.

Over the next hour, battle plans were hashed out and positions were assigned on the large maps of Kirkwall that Hawke had spread out across the table. Sebastian was fascinated with just how well organized she was, and the leadership that she handled with ease.

As Hawke walked Varric and Isabela to the door, Sebastian remained. He remembered the first time he had witnessed Hawke dealing with the night gangs in Hightown. It seemed like so long ago, before he had come to be part of her group of companions. They had only talked three times before; when she avenged his family, when she came to the Chantry after a bad dream, and the night he carried her home when she was too intoxicated to get there on her own.

It was also the night he discovered that she was a mage.

Back then it meant a great deal, finding out that she was an apostate. Lately, Sebastian realized, he only seems to remember that fact when it comes up in conversation, which usually leads to an argument of some sort. When she returned to the dining room, and her lip curled ever so slightly, Sebastian forgot about it again.

* * *

_Dearest Father,_

_What a night, I don't even know where to start! We set out to rid the city of some pesky problems, and I ended the night more confused than ever._

_First we ventured through Lowtown, taking on a group of thugs that called themselves the Dog Lords. After a brief exchange of words before they attacked, it was clear this group was from Ferelden. More refugees no doubt, struggling to survive in the city, but unfortunately they were hurting innocent people, so they had to go. Their leader, Cor Blimey, was easy enough to find hiding in some decrepit alley._

_Our next stop was the docks, where a gang who called themselves the Undercuts were trying to run the place. They would harass passengers from late night ships coming in, go through cargo as it waited on the docks to be brought to storage... there was no end to their crime and corruption. Their leader, a man named Kanky Hammertoe (I mean really Father, who runs around admitting to a name like that!), was hiding in a run down alley in the northeastern section of the docks. Three rogues in the group? Piece of cake!_

_Hightown is where things got interesting. An all women gang calling themselves Invisible Sisters, were spread out all over town. The plan we had been going with, Isabela drawing them out, wasn't going to work with this group. So I had to get creative._

"Wait for me behind that wall," Hawke whispered to Sebastian. She handed him her staff, and then quickly walked away before he could protest. Varric and Isabela were on the other side of the courtyard, already hiding within the shadows of the large columns.

He watched from his hiding spot as she entered the courtyard, her hips swaying with a purpose he didn't yet understand. It was surely distracting to him, but if Isabela in her barely clothed body wasn't going to get this gang's attention, how was Hawke?

And then he realized her plan. Slowly the coinpurse on her hip was coming loose. When the velvet pouch hit the ground without a sound, Hawke continued a circle, walking around the other side of the courtyard, and stopped to pick a flower from a nearby flowerbed before disappearing back behind the wall where he was waiting for her.

Quickly Sebastian grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him, thankful to have her out of harms way. Without her staff she was defenseless if the gang had chosen to attack her alone, and the thought both frightened and infuriated him. He opened his mouth to begin scolding her for her actions, but was stopped when she pressed a soft finger to his lips.

Two members of the Invisible Sisters were already descending upon the find, hoping to grab it and run before the person who dropped it realized it was missing. Isabela immediately jumped out of the shadows to attack, Varric backing her up with Bianca.

Sebastian and Hawke didn't realize that their friends had engaged in combat. The close proximity to each other, Hawke's finger brushing his lips, and his arm tightening around her waist, had the two of them lost in their own world, oblivious to the fighting a few feet away. She stared intently into his deep blue eyes, wanting and begging silently for him to finally make his move.

_He didn't do it Father. We were so close, I was so sure it was going to happen, but then Isabela called for healing and snapped us out of our private reverie. We rushed to assist, taking out the remaining members of the gang, and then headed to a seemingly abandoned house to find their leader. _

_Sebastian remained quiet the rest of the time we spent together, and when we had completed our mission, he retreated back to the Chantry. I guess he needed to return to his safe zone, to the place where he feels most comfortable, because apparently I have the opposite effect on him. _

_I saw it in his eyes, felt it in his touch. He wanted to, I know he did. Maker knows I wanted to. Maybe I'm the fool for continuing to wait for him. Maybe he'll never figure out what he wants, and I'll forever be stuck here, a pathetic pining girl hoping for just a kiss._

_It would've been an amazing kiss._


	48. Wooden Halla - Raiders on the Cliffs

_Dearest Father,_

_Well, here we are again. Sebastian is avoiding me. I went to the Chantry to see if he wanted to take a walk along the Wounded Coast, but one of the Sisters said he was out doing missionary work today. I know my thoughts have been on that near kiss from the other day, and I imagine his thoughts linger there as well. At least I hope so._

_But I wasn't going to let myself sit in and be moody over it any longer. Two days was enough, waiting, hoping he'd stop by, apologize for running off. Two days of Bodahn asking me if I was going out, or Sandal's constant excitement over enchantments not helping my mood. So I started cleaning out my chest, trying to at least be productive in my misery, and found a good reason to get out of the house._

"Hawke? What brings you here?"

The excitement in her voice caused a small bit of guilt to stir within Hawke. "I know it's been a while, I'm sorry Merrill," she said to the elf as she entered the small home in the alienage. "I was hoping to make it up to you, maybe go out for the day and get some sunshine?"

The wide grin on the elf's face was priceless. "Oh I'd love that, I really would. Where are we going?"

Hawke shrugged. "I thought maybe the Wounded Coast? Drag Isabela and Varric out as well? It really is a beautiful day outside, and none of us should be cooped up."

Merrill agreed. "It is lovely this time of year. The trees and flowers are in full bloom, and the birds, they never stop singing!"

"No, they don't," Hawke said with a laugh. "They wake me up bright an early each morning."

"So can we go now?" Merrill asked, with as much enthusiasm as a child ready to explore the world.

"Almost," Hawke said as she pulled her pack from her back. "I have something to give you first." Retrieving the wooden halla from her bag, she handed the sculpture to Merrill.

She accepted the gift, her eyes shining with emotion. "You must have found this at the Dalish camp. I bet it's Master Ilen's work. But what's the occasion?"

"No occasion Merrill," Hawke said. I just thought you'd like it, a reminder of home and your people."

Merrill set the statue on her table and stared at it. "No one has ever given me a present before," she said, a hint of sadness in her voice. "Not something that didn't have some purpose, or that I had need for. It's just so... unexpected. Thank you Hawke, I mean it."

_I felt horrible, Father. I avoid her so often because I know she is a blood mage, the very thing you have warned me against time and time again. When I do take her along, and we come into any confrontation, I feel her tapping into that part of her, and I feel ill. A dark, overwhelming sensation overcomes me, and I feel as if I stand too close, I'm in danger of some demon wishing for another mage to feast upon._

_But the shy, innocence of her, almost makes me think of Bethany. Very sweet, trying to see the best in people and the world around her, even when her own people turn her away. Could be another reason I avoid her, the feel of magic beside me and the dark hair. If I close my eyes, my sister is with me._

* * *

"So, about that nice quiet stroll along the coast?" Varric said sarcastically as they heard someone cursing and giving orders from just below the cliffs.

Hawke shrugged. "Can't hurt to check it out," she said, watching Merrill nervously adjust her staff.

They ran down to the large rock formation to find a few of Kirkwall's guards huddled in fear, as the woman who appeared to be in charge barked her orders. Before they were able to reach the pinned down crew, an arrow came shooting through the air and took out one of the guards.

Hawke and her companions knelt beside the other guards, and the woman began speaking frantically. "You're the bloody reinforcements? Just four of you? I thought the captain would send more!"

"We are not reinforcements, but can help," Hawke said. "What are you doing out here? What are we up against?"

"My first routine assignment," the woman, who introduced herself as Lieutenant Harley, stated. "This is all that is left of my patrol. Unfortunately we are up against Evets' Marauders, and they've already killed six of my men."

Isabela perked up at the mention of Evets. "Oh I've been waiting to get my hands on Evets. We're going to help, right? I have a special poison for that man."

"He isn't among them," Harley informed her. "But his second in command, Fell Orden, is here. A nasty blood mage known for robbing and raping innocent victims that happen to come near their camps. Me and my men haven't been able to get close enough though, the area is full of traps."

Varric looked up expectantly at Hawke. "Traps you say?"

"Two rogues I say," Hawke said with a wink. "Rally your men lieutenant, it's time to rid the coast of this man for good."

_And so my plan for a nice, peaceful day along the coast didn't work out as planned. After a heated battle with the bandits, and a few extra minutes disarming the vast amount of traps along the coast so no one would get hurt, it was back to Kirkwall for us. Merrill was excited to have seen some action today, though taking down another blood mage soured her mood a bit._

_I'm wondering if it's starting to sink in that maybe blood magic isn't such a good idea? Every time we face a blood mage, disaster follows. Is it only a matter of time before Merrill brings that down upon us? It is certainly dangerous to keep her around, but I almost feel if I didn't, she'd be getting herself into more trouble._

_No sign of Sebastian this evening. I'm sure the sisters at the Chantry told him I had come looking for him. I don't know why I expected him to be here when I got home. It was silly to wish for such a thing. I'll give him his space, but not for too long. He didn't want me avoiding him, I won't allow him to do the same._


End file.
